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There were lots of strange demands designed to assert and keep control. Itās not what he is asking rather itās the fact heās in control. Making you do stuff he commands. I had to tell him I loved him more. I had to give him sex twice a week. I had to ask to spend money or to go on holiday. It slowly creeps into your whole way of living. Insidious x
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Entitlement to sex yep that rings true!
Rules about how the car should be parked!
Sometimes though their demands are so bizarre you can only laugh ! One I ll never forget was the girls made bird feeders but they couldnāt be hung in the garden as that would attract birds and if there were birds then the cats would come in and poo in the flower beds š try to explain that to your child ! I think on this occasion I overuuled him but the saddest thing is that I thought he had a valid point!!! -
Itās incredible how our brains start to be altered into their thinking, such is the dysfunction of abuse. I began reality testing everything. I would have to ask friends and family members if this or that was right. I was even convinced in law he had conjugal rights. The lengths they go to is indescribable. It was either the threat of rape or agree he had conjugal rights. This kind of brain washing gets worse and worse until we donāt know up from down and right from wrong. What kind of a man doesnāt want to see his kids hang their bird feeder. That was all to do with control too. Asserting that heās top dog such is their own insecurities. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Imagine being free enough to hang a hundred bird feeders and having a wonderful garden full of nature.
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This has got me thinking of all the ridiculous things I have been asked to do or comply with over time; asking if I can eat food that is in the cupboard, having words I am not allowed to use etc. And yes, I have to ask my friends/family all the time if this/that is right because I am so used to this version of ‘normal’ that it feels like I am the one in the wrong.
Maybe we should use this thread to share the most ridiculous demands we have had to meet to keep the peace? Some of them are laughable (though I can’t recall any right now, will have a think!) -
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Yes Ebony, that is more like it is for me too. I felt like it got to the point where I had to ask. I does specify that I have to ‘let him know’ but when I do this I know that he will get stroppy, and make me feel guilty about it, say I am putting my needs before his, tell me how lonely he feels etc. Before he has come up to bed with me, we were talking but I didn’t want sex and when he knew that wasn’t going to happen he just went downstairs again, not even thinking about how that might make me feel.
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The sex thing is an issue for me too- he wonāt demand it as such but if I donāt do it for say 2 or 3 days running heāll start making out that he never gets sex anymore and that I obviously donāt love him and then sometimes go and sleep on the sofa in a sulk ! Itās so pathetic and at the time I kinda feel guilty but then when I think about it Iām sure this kind of behaviour isnāt the norm in most stable relationships xx
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Sex must be given freely without fear of consequences or coercion. Otherwise itās rape or sexual assault. Nobody in a loving caring relationship would even consider having sex with someone who clearly doesnāt want to. Have a look at the Thames Valley Video on YouTube about sex and a cup of tea x very enlightening. It really doesnāt matter how bizarre their demands were, for mine he would simply change the goal posts. I became obsessed with cleaning the house because a lot of his abuse was about how untidy the house was. I thought if I cleaned obsessively, the abuse would stop. It didnāt. He just abused me about something else. They donāt even remember the demands they make. I was desperately trying to meet one set of demands when he just forgot all about them and moved onto something else. Dysfunctional destructive behaviour. I changed the things I watched on tv. My taste in music. I couldnāt work. It really does destroy our sense of self and self worth. And they do it deliberately x
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Kip the house tidying thing rings true for me- Iām constantly anxious over the state of the house so he doesnāt tell me what a disgusting s**t tip it is (itās never that bad either just typical home where children live !) I donāt stop tidying !x the more I hear others similar stories the more it makes me realise how bad it all is .. I just wonder why so many men seem to act like this ? Itās not as uncommon as I thought judging by the amount of people using this site for support. x
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It’s just all part of everything isn’t it? I never ‘had’ to ask to go to bed but I used to do it anyway because I couldn’t deal with the grump I got otherwise. Also if I went to bed early he would then come in later and expect that I left the light on – then he’d shower, bang about or start chatting to me etc etc but yet if I stayed up to try and get stuff done he would turn the lights off and I had to creep around trying not to disturb him.
I think the cleaning thing is not only about trying not to ‘upset’ them but about control – I felt like if the house was clean and I’d done everything I had control over something (although I didn’t really because I had to fit the cleaning around him and his schedule).
I’m in the early stages of out and I’m looking back on every element of our life together and really seeing it now and it’s b****y frightening. I can’t believe how much control he had over everything. I never thought I would ever get myself in that situation š
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I think what I have found is that one thing on it’s own doesn’t seem that bad but when you add up the whole picture and realise that things that made you feel uncomfortable but never even thought of as abusive were all part of the pattern/cycle it makes you view everything very differently which I have struggled with x
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Dragon I know just what you mean – itās one of the reasons I found it hard describing my issues to the lady at womenās aid who I phoned – because individually these problems sound insignificant but itās the accumulation of things that makes it so bad ..itās so complex and hard to describe sometimes until you really think about it all and remember all the sh*tty things thatāve happened x
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Definitely- it makes you doubt everything. I sometimes think itās all me and that I just over-react or take things the wrong way but I know that nobody else ever makes me doubt myself or feel this way so it must be him X
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Oh ladies! Yes! That was my relationship all over! My daughter told me to sit down and stop trying to find something to tidy – I didn’t need to do that anymore; I could just sit and ignore that bit of fluff on the carpet – easier said than done however š. And the sex thing! Why on earth would we want to have sex with someone that makes us feel second rate and inadequate in every b****y way! And my bedtime was the other way around. He used to dismiss me!
Thank you for reminding me why I left! -
Oh yes! An accumulation of many things – one big thing of his is the car – we have one family car which is parked on the road outside our house, he is obsessed with keeping it in the same spot, even tho itās a public highway and anyone can park there. He didnāt like me going anywhere in the evenings, including taking the children to activities etc in case we lost this space. He wouldnāt tell me not to go but if I did and that space was occupied on return heād have a major strop and it would be my fault for using the car, and it made me wary of using it. He installed cctv and would sit for hours watching someone elseās car. He would put letters through neighbors doors, I found this out when I found a reply posted back through our door. Car keys would regularly go missing and he would blame youngest child…
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Oh man, that has reminded me of mine, we have a drive but even when he is at work he won’t let any members of my family park on the drive, if anyone was parked in his space when he got home he would hit the roof to the point if my Mum was visiting, I would make her park on the road because I was scared he would come home whilst she was parked on the drive.
Also, cups. I am not allowed to drink out of any of ‘his’ mugs or glasses. I mean the absolute brazen disrespect! He bought me an extra mug so that if my other one is dirty I have another one to drink from. So thoughtful. -
Itās so ridiculous! Btw when I began working and needed the car for work he hated me working and it would cause a lot of stress, he banned me from working evenings. As soon as I had scraped enough money together I bought my own car. The āfamilyā car is still sitting unused on the road outside our house, He wonāt sell it but is having to pay tax and insurance cos I cancelled it. (I paid to run the car). I think he is just leaving it there so no one else can park there š
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