Anyone Else At Divorce/Financial stage and Exhausted?

[Hereforhelp]

As my title says… anyone else at this point (I can’t share details as legal stage)… and feeling exhausted/unsure of how it will end?
I do not regret leaving no matter how challenging life is right now it won’t always be this way. Life would feel worse if my husband was back in our lives.
I felt low recently as I have had too much on my plate to deal with alone… I missed ‘a husband/father’ who was never emotionally engaged with us… so then I imagined what Christmas would be like this year with him around …. I resent him doing whatever TF he wants, he has no responsibilities whatsoever…. I want to walk away from court feeling like I did all I could for a fair outcome (which my husband is doing everything within his power to stop, he wants everything his way…
So nothing changed with him, he is the same cowardly bullying a*****e he always was… he has tried to get at me subtly and each time I report to the police but it is never enough (he does things now which are just about the wrong side of the Law so the police give me a crime number but nothing else comes of it.

When we are divorced and court stuff is finalised I really hope I have a positive or even fair ending to share as my children and I have already been through too much (some of you will be aware of the tragic start we had to this year)..

Why did I write this? …… I think I am looking for encouragement in a safe space. So many solicitors, hospital appointments, waiting for 56 day notice, I had to have my beautiful old lady cat euthanized as she was very old and poorly.

I think I am getting ready for the final stage, I am not as strong as I was feeling just because …2 years of fighting to leave, divorce, the continuing of his abuse… I am also realky disappointed in 2 long term friendships.. these 2 people whom I love have totally changed towards me, leaving me out and distancing themselves since I separated… I have made new friendships but it still hurts when old friends suddenly change.

I wish I had left mine years earlier as all those unsure years I was unhappy and I look back now and I can see how pointless it was remaining in an unhappy relationship for so many years. When I question my old self as to why I stayed married for so many years I can see I had low self worth, I put his and other people’s happiness before my own… I didn’t actually acknowledge if I was happy or not… I just kept trying to fix everything as I believed so strongly In the traditional values of marriage, thick and thin blah blah.. I now view traditional as toxic.

Rant over

Big hugs to all of you women on here ❤️ HFH

[Twisted Sister]

Hi HTH

Huge ((((hugs)))) to you!

You have been through a phenomenal amount, just this year alone, without everything else you’ve had to contend with, and exhaustion is a huge part of the result, the emotional trauma, the psychological affects of spending such a large part of your life being deluded about who you were with and how you must keep trying!

Not only is there the ‘thick and thin thing’, but also the ‘for the kids’, ‘not breaking up the family’, such toxic social messages out there that we all feel beholden to uphold, but also the hopes that things wouldn’t always stay so bad! What you can know, is that you did everything humanly possible to help, until you realised how fruitless it was, and that nothing was ever going to change. You need to know that you have not actively led to this situation, you have actively tried to change things for the positive and he no doubt gaslighted you and misled and manipulated all he could, and has probably done a convincing ‘job’ on your friends. I hope court at least slapped orders on him to not use third parties against you, to isolate and further abuse you, as everyone is aware of how prevalent this is from an abusive partner/ex. Its the first thing they do after is to preen their self-image, and slander you as the controller, and them as the victim, distorting truths to alienate you to your friends and children in every way possible.

Those societal messages need moderating huh! So much that. We all need to know the affects of their controlling behaviour and where boundaries are crossed, and know that this is never going to lead to a fruitful relationship, just lots of unreasonable and pain.

All great in hindsight though! So much easier when we can finally see it, and who they are really.

I’m sure there are others on here sadly in a very similar place to you, but I think we all relate to the experience you’ve gone through and your life now to varying degrees.

You’ve done an amazing job to hold it together as well as you have, and don’t expect too much of yourself, you’ve held it together and that in itself is a phenomenal achievement, look after yourself all you can.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twix]

Hey, I hear you and sending huge hugs x the final push is the hardest but you’ve come this far & you need to dig deep, find the fire in you & put it all into the final fight for what you deserve x

I’m so sorry you lost your fur baby, I’ve been there & it’s heart wrenching when they’ve been by your side through all of it.

I’m at this stage with my initial divorce hearing this month. I’ve been absent online due to ongoing police legal proceedings which have thankfully now ended. On top of my struggle to get him to engage with solicitors whilst restraining order in place is the fact I’ve had to apply for a child arrangement order.

I never expected to go down this route, my IDVA saw it coming long before I did, I just needed to go through it to reach the point I knew I had to take action.

Ultimately my child’s welfare has guided me to take action. He’s the one guiding my actions to change our lives for the better. Had I not had him I’m certain I’d have stayed in the relationship for loyalty’s sake & the belief I could fix him. I too believed in marriage for life & the initial feeling of failure at that has thankfully subsided.

I’m 8 months out, getting stronger every day, but I hear you on the fight & the drain emotionally is so real.

I’m still experiencing the abuse despite the separation & restraining order, but he’s managed to hang himself through his actions. Only time will tell what happens to him, but my feeling is now that the past is the past. I’m grateful for what we had when it was good & glad that I get the opportunity to start again. I know this doesn’t happen for everyone & each person reaches their breaking point at their own time.

My advice would be to trust your gut & never ever give up on yourself, we only have one life & should live it to the fullest xx stay strong ladies feeling stuck & indecisive, your time will come xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi HFH

I’m nowhere near where you are. However I just wanted to say that you are and have achieved so much.

You sound tired, but that’s natural you’ve been through so much. Very sorry for the loss of you pet cat too 💔

Sometimes everything happens at once, we feel drained, and I always believe that with change, such as this, comes positive things.

You’ve changed and become stronger and I’m also finding that people that clung to me and used me fell away from me as I’ve got stronger, I’m no use to them. But you do find new people that come into your life. As you already have.

I’m rambling on, only because I feel something good will come out of all of this and that you and your children deserve to be happy and free 💕

Wishing you well, strength and sending hugs 🥰

CB X

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