Anyone else found cycle repeat itself?

[Trapped.]

Hi all.

Exactly (detail removed by Moderator) ago today. I left the kids dad due to domestic violence.

Since then, I thought I’d found the love of my life, but now I’m not so sure and feel like I’m in the same cycle as before.

Anyone else feel like this? I slightly feel like I’m being paranoid.

Thanks x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Trapped,

If you feel it then you feel it, you are not paranoid. Sometimes we do end up with another abuser, but this time, you are more alert to what is happening, more in tune with those little ‘red flags’.

So, now is the hard part. Do you listen to your gut and see the signs and walk away now before you invest any more time and energy to this relationship, or do you make it a mission to work on this guy and see if you can succeed in making a difference in a new relationship with a new man? That’s got to be your call, but you should know by now that abusers are abusers and nothing we do or say will change that.

I’ve walked away from a few guys due to the red flags. If people want to think I’m paranoid, that’s up to them, but I know I will NEVER compromise myself again and be stuck in a relationship that is unhealthy. I know what I’m looking for and if the signs say otherwise then I have to walk away.
This is especially important as I have a child (well, young man now but he still lives at home) and whatever relationships I have or decisions I make will impact on him. My home is happy and harmonious, there is no way I will have someone who brings any negativity in to it.

If this doesn’t feel right do what is best for you and the kids. Please don’t go through it all again.

[Trapped.]

You’re so right. I think I ignored the red flags before because I was infatuated in love with him. But now because of his behaviour and actions, I’m starting to resent him and it’s like the fog is being lifted but I still feel attatched to him like a dog on a chain.

[Wants To Help]

You have managed to leave an abuser before, so unless you fear this guy can do you or the children some serious harm if you try to leave him, you know you have the strength to do it again. So sorry that you have to face this a second time in just a short space of time.

You may have bonded with this man’s child, but sadly, you cannot stay with an abuser for the sake of someone else’s child, enough of us stay with an abuser for our own children, and that’s hard enough to deal with. You are doing your children and his child no favours whatsoever to remain with him.

Please try and break free from that chain. However you did it before with the father of your children, try and do the same again. Staying with him is only going to bring more misery and you all deserve so much more than that.

[Trapped.]

But then I get full of hope that we could turn into something amazing like young said in the first comment?

But.. is it really liable? Most likely not.

I feel sick I’ve got myself in this position again and sad that I’ve fallen for another abuser xx

[Anonymous]

Trapped…my little lovelie…..ah yes, we are human aren’t we? We are all students of life here. We learn as we go. And one of those things that’s best learned sooner than later is – Falling for – doesn’t mean Staying in. So what we fall for it. We’re not so immune to their poison that we don’t take a trip down what’s familiar here. We do. We stick our toes in and go for a dip. But, the more educated we become, the more we remember our past, the more we question and listen to our own radar the quicker we pop our heads up out of it like you are doing now and say – Oh hold on a minute here!!! Where was my head?? It happens, to all of us.

Most important thing is however, that you just jump straight up out of that little poisoned bubble bath and go Nope, not having it, not having it. See it, smell it, know it, not doing it.

You know a thing or two about false hope, right? You do know that regardless of how much you stare at that alligator it’s not going to turn into a bunny rabbit, right? You have to trust your gut here and your own good sense. The longer you do, the quicker you will see these people long before they lay a snare and trap for you. And even if you do find yourself in their grasp you just wiggle free. Like you are doing now, right??

Don’t feel sick that you fell into this again, feel good that you are seeing it for what it is. We lay new patterns in our brains when we do this. The old ways start becoming more bumpy when our little cart wants to go down them. We back up and go no, no, no….I’m going back to my new path, forgiving myself or whatever I have to do here and going right back to making those ruts in the road the smooth ones. Any inventor will tell you that they make so many mistakes before they get it right and it’s the mistakes that actually get them to – their invention. Without them, no invention. Dust your bum off and get back up on your horse.

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