Anyone else had this battle?

[Username]

Hi,
I am new around here, but here goes….

I live with my OH, have done for years. We met in a less than ideal situation, but he was amazing when we first got together (or so I thought at the time….). He would surprise me by turning up unannounced, message me all the time to make sure I was okay. At the time I was going through a really rough patch personally and I think I needed that.

My OH has significant mental health issues that predate me, prior to me he also had addictions and alsorts but was clean when we met and doing reasonably well.

Looking back now, this relationship has probably never been truly ‘healthy’, but when two people get into a relationship who are very broken, is it ever going to be?!?

Things have gone down hill with him since that initial period, but there has always been the excuse of his mental health.

He tries to dictate my whole life and until about (detail removed by Moderator) ago was successfully doing exactly that. I no longer left the house because of accusations (cheating, meeting men etc), I no longer socialised, I rarely saw any of my family, all financial choices were run by him, he bought me clothes, even the perfume was his choice. Nothing at all was my choice anymore and I excused it because of his mental health, even though I literally hardly existed anymore.

(detail removed by Moderator) he then had what I thought was another episode of his mental illness….. Nope. He had spent our savings on drugs, all of them. Then tried to inform me I was crazy and that we never had savings. It took me (detail removed by Moderator) before he would tell me what he was taking….. So I could try and figure out how much danger I was in (his MH was caused and is triggered by using). This was always a red line for me, and I basically allowed him to erase it.

However it was also what made me realise how unhealthy things were and made me start researching. One day when he was high, I went out and got a voluntary role (detail removed by Moderator). He was not happy, he still is not. I just needed something real, a little space to breathe. I have managed to hold on to doing this, but barely. He tries to manipulate me into not going every time I am supposed to be there. I come home to accusations of cheating and he messages me constantly through the day and ‘pops in’ frequently. This right now is my only sane space.

He is still using. When he has got stuff, he may as well not be here, is on porn sites, basically does what he wants regardless. When he doesn’t have anything he is aggressive and horrible. Tip toeing around him is what my life has become – my immediate thought when asked a question is ‘what would he want me to say’.

(detail removed by Moderator) I decided to be brave and ask him why he won’t stop doing drugs…. His reply was very literally that he does drugs so that he doesn’t beat me because of all the lies and deceit (that are purely in his head). I write that and I know how messed up that is, but here’s the kicker….

For some messed up reason I just can’t leave, I can’t even bring myself to want to. It would destroy me. I keep thinking that the situation is redeemable. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Ux

[Tiffany]

He sounds like my ex. I got together with him when I was really vulnerable. He convinced me that he supported me and looked after me in a way which my family did not. No one else was helping so it was easy to believe he was looking out for me and understood when no one else did.

He also had mental health issues which got increasingly bad as time went on, but he wouldn’t get help.

Looking back, he was always abusive. Even at the start there were little digs at me and my family making me feel worse. His ‘helping’ gave him increasing control over my life. He gradually isolated me from friends and family. All so subtly that I didn’t even see it. He went over the course of several years from being my saviour to being my jailer. And then he started hitting me.

In the end I did the only thing I could and left. I felt awful at the time. Like I was deserting him because I couldn’t deal with his mental health issues. But he was hurting me, and he had no intention of stopping. He liked hurting me. It made him feel in control. There is nothing you can do to help with that.

[KIP.]

Women’s aid will rightly tell you that mental health and domestic abuse are two separate issues. Many men have mental health problems but do not abuse their partners. Ask yourself if he abuses others in the same way he does to you? If the answer is no, then he chooses to abuse you. He has control over his behaviour and absolutely knows what he is doing is wrong. Can he control himself around others? Then he chooses to abuse you in private. These are all domestic abusers tactics. He is not your responsibility. Abusers will suck the life from us. They have no interest in anything but themselves. He won’t change and abuse always gets worse. Please contact your local women’s aid. Ring the helpline number on here and have a read of Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Accusing us of cheating is very common (usually it’s them that are cheating). Preventing us from working is also part of the isolation that abused like to keep us in. What you describe is typical domestic abuse. He’s trying to hide it behind drug abuse and mental health.

[Anabela]

First of all, well done for keeping your role (detail removed by Moderator). The journey to freedom is a long one and it starts from simple things. Like your volunteering. Which is more than volunteering but you standing up for yourself and building independence. Is there anyone you developed a friendship there or anyone that has capacity to understand? For me it really helped to tell about my situation to outsider and the first person i opened up to was my senior.
Secondly, by calling things by their real names- admitting that you are in abusive relationship. So even if right now you cant imagine ever leaving him, you have started naking the right steps.

Mine did not use the hard stuff (at least not to my knowledge) but he smoked weed. Loads. Hus excuse was that it is partially my fault for making relationship difficult which at a time i accepted. He also constantly accused me of lying, cheating and i even felt as if i cheated until i realized that it is not me the problem.

You can leave. Step by step you can build the strength to leave. Because he will not change and i dont think he seems to realize he is doing anything wrong.
There is an amazing book that i keep recommending to everyone Why does he do that. It was a source of knowledge, of comfort, of validation.

More than (detail removed by Moderator) ago i also could not picture myself leaving. I thought i was a hopeless case and i will stay with him forever enjoying leftovers of his affection and being patient through the bad times. I loved him very much. But right now almost (detail removed by Moderator) single leaving him was the best thing i have done. So it is possible to unlove someone you cant inagine your life without.

Hugs xx

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