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Like many, many abused women I have mental health issues and have attempted to harm myself several times. These only occurred after I started a relationship with my abuser. Before I met him I had thoughts, but never actually did anything. My abuser was also being treated over a long period for a mental health problem which led to him making a couple of attempts.
I remember him suggesting that we carry out a joint pact. In fact he told me that he would show me how to do it quickly and with less pain. I felt sick and sought help for both of us at that point. I explained it to myself and others as an indicator of how ill he was at that point. In fact, I explained a lot of his abuse as the result of his illness and a disorder which made it hard for him to empathise. Later I realised that he could do it for others – just not for me!
A couple of times during our relationship he encouraged me to commit suicide alone. Once telling me that given how horrible my life had been that everyone would understand and perhaps I should consider it. The last time was during our recent break up. The full horror of his not loving me hit me when I was talking about how I wished I was dead and he told me that I could kill myself as my adult child (a major reason for my staying safe) would get over it.
I do not know a single other person who would say that to a stranger, let alone someone they said they loved. The contrast with my response to his own threats and attempts was astonishing. I was shocked, heartbroken and wanted to protect him and keep him safe. That memory is one of many that I return to when I start sliding down the rabbit hole of missing him.
My therapist has explained to me that she considers him to be very emotionally dangerous and that he would only be satisified if I had ended up dead. In some perverse way it was what he hoped for. Hence his choice of when to leave me (during two major, stressful and life changing events), his refusal to comfort me in anyway during them and his encouragement of my ending my own life.
Evil. Evil. Evil.
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Oh IrisAtwood, how awful for you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all this. I’ve had selfharm thoughts in the past, but I can’t imagine having the man I loved and trusted encouraging me to go ahead! As you said Evil, evil, evil. I thought mine was bad trying to convince me I was paranoid and delusional
Telling our GP I was depressed and needed to go back on meds again just so that I was easier to control and to establish a running mental health issues history. But encouraging you to self harm is despicable. I’m so glad you’re out of there.
These abusers are so cruel and sick! Stay strong ❤️ -
Gold – very funny 🙂
Freedom – it is so horrible to convince someone else that they are mentally ill. As you said, it creates a story that can be used to undermine and control you. I sometimes think that other people probably think that I made things up or exaggerated what he was saying and doing because of my own mental health problems. He also told people that I was abusive!
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