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Time has repeated itself for me, i joined this forum nearly 3 years ago,when the abuse started, he said, he was gonna get help, no he did not, so he has had another temper tantrum, and told me to get out of the house, so we have separated again, i am living in my bedroom, door locked,waiting to hear from (name of organisation removed by Moderator).
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oh no, please dont feel this way at all! i had seen your post & know 100% that there are women who have had to live exactly the same way (in a room or bedroom) in the homes they shared with their abusers (whilst they were finding a way out etc) – i was hoping that one of them might notice your post & respond. it just all depends upon when the women come onto the forum. so please hang in there
(i did have to live alongside my abuser for 2 years until i got him out)
dont know what your situation is re: where you are living, whether it is rented or mortgaged, or if just in one persons name. and without this information it is difficult to know exactly what to say, because each of these examples mean different possibilities etc
(i was a joint homeowner myself)
have you tried the live chat on this site just to chat about things whilst you are awaiting a response on the forum. or are you able to contact your local da service when they are open
please stay strong because hopefully you will not feel so helpless once you start receiving the advice, help & support you need x -
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I own, well jointly owned property, i have no friends or relatives, cant leave this bedroom as i cant go anywhere, apart from the supermarket,the kids dont say anything to me about the way i have to live, just maybe staying out of it all. So im stuck living like this until (name of organisation removed by Moderator) contact me.
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Hi sweet4 !
Yeah, to 2nd what @minimeerkat … I did until very very recently share the house with my ex, my abuser. Fortunately for me, he decided to move out just as holidays were starting. But up until then, when we separated, I took the matrimonial bedroom with our children piling in as well because they felt safer with me than him, they wanted to look after me and themselves.
My ex took a back bedroom. He bought himself a single bed citing, “once we’re divorced, this bed can be used for the kids at ‘my’ place.”
‘my’ is single quoted. He pushed his mum out to a care home and is now occupying her house, already calling it his and its being paid for out of his mum’s accounts. /deep-breath Anyhoo…
But before then, I mostly lived in between my office and the matrimonial bedroom even though we have many shared family spaces to be in as well. I always felt like I couldn’t go out without some justification such as, “I’m hungry” or “Its dinnertime and the kids are hungry”. I didn’t feel comfortable with taking showers unless my ex was out.
Also, my ex still tried to paint himself out as the victim. “It doesn’t feel like a home”, he told me … where by his own choices, he’s living in that back bedroom. My ex has always had choices around how he behaved and he behaved so poorly, even his children didn’t feel safe unless they were sleeping with me. Even so, he was trying to paint it out like I was forcing him out.
No I was not forcing him out. I was minding my own business as much as I could. I spent most my time working and/or doing stuff like meal planning, online grocery shop, participating here where I kept out of his way. But for his own self-narrative, he wants to paint it out as if he was the victim and I made the household so oppressive, he didn’t want to come out of the back bedroom.
I did nothing to make this house seem unsafe for him … except for sticking up for my viewpoints and my opinions on so many things … when I suggested any of those, he’d accuse me of “not listening to him”. No, I heard him loud and clear especially with his shouting. I just didn’t agree with him. So of course I wasn’t ‘listening’. And of course, what I did, did not make him unsafe where by contrast, he’d do things that made me and the children feel unsafe.
In another circumstance where he was trying to paint himself out as a victim, where I was sticking up for myself and my views, he accused me of being in his space. I was at least a meter away from him and pointed out the floor space between our feet.
Also, he tried to gaslight me with the idea that I had a way of shouting at him, without actually shouting.
It’s not easy getting immediate support over the holidays. Though I hope the above gives you a bit of courage xX.
Also remember: he can’t push you out if you own the home jointly. Take what empowerment that you can from that… that played a huge part in finally convincing my ex that he needed to go and that for the time being, we still co-own the house and our children are better settled here under my care. So my ex went to live elsewhere.
That’s been a relief to me, but also very annoying because meanwhile, he gets to feel like “Super-dad”, swanning in and out as he pleases. We did set a boundary where he needs to let me know when he’s coming. But also, I get the crux of looking after the children as a single mum.
It’s possible and perhaps even likely that you won’t hear from help until … 8th Jan if for no other reason than that it is holidays.
Sending you love and strength xX.
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Very low on finances, some unexpected bills too, which my partner knows about but leans on me for money constantly and for nothing good – drugs/ tobacco/ alcohol etc. sometimes he borrows from other people after I have said no and been firm. I then it’s a major issue when they want the money back. This week is hardest as was away for Christmas and got bombarded the whole time I was away. It’s unaffordable and now, first time in my life I won’t make all my bills this month. I had asked for his kids not to come this weekend so could eat really cheap and not have to worry about them but he didn’t make other arrangements. Then starts an argument when they’re here and I won’t argue in front of them or berate their dad in front of them and he knows it. So when that happens I just have to go away – upstairs or out somewhere because I just can’t look at him. He knows it’s distressing, he knows I can’t afford it and he continues to do it. He really has to go and once services are open again this week I’ll be having another go at getting him out.
It’s always promises of I’ll get help tomorrow or even (laughably) I’ll pay you back tomorrow. With what, from whom. All lies. Telling me he’s applied for thousands of jobs and nobody calls back. I simply don’t believe that at all.
It’s silly really because there’s so many people going through so much worse and there’s a really simple solution here, I’m just finding putting him out to live on the streets really difficult to do. -
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I’m out now but yes I lived in my bedroom for several months before getting out. I wasn’t allowed downstairs- i was made to feel extremely unwelcome if he was there and he would intimidate me until I left. Simply I couldn’t go down after the youngest went to bed – I was an adult sent to bed at the same time as a baby!
To survive, I had to keep food & drink supplies in my room for me and the kids – who also weren’t allowed in the living space if he was there. It was awful and the sheer fear ifI realised I needed to pop downstairs for something was horrible. At the same time, he chose to sleep on a sofa but told the world I’d made him – so he was the victim, and if a pet made a mess because he didn’t let them out it was 100% my fault and left for me to clean up. I couldn’t even take the baby down until he decided it was time to get up which at weekends was usually midday!
Just like browneyedmum I’d get random texts about this didn’t feel like a home, he didn’t feel welcome etc. Zero recognition of how it was impacting me or the kids!
I wouldn’t wish this way of living on anyone, it makes your home a place you fear being but the positives were it reinforced I had to get out, it pushed me to contact the right places to move things along, it made the kids see this side of him, I was able to start claiming UC as I could confirm we lived separate lives (but still declare he lived there) and, I enjoyed the space in the evenings to start to watch tv I liked again or read books. I never went anywhere in the house without my phone and it was good practice for being super organised with planning ahead – which I can laugh about now but at the time I was in a living nightmare. Look after yourself, the peace afterwards is worth it xx
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