Anyone else struggling?

[Fuzzyfelt]

Cried on and off all yesterday, no tears yet but I want to. Opened presents with kids and watched two films, I feel tired and tearful thinking about the Christmas I thought I’d have. Know he is with all his family, sucking up to his ex and kids… laughing and no thought of me.
I feel selfish for thinking like this but I miss the man I thought he was, I need his arms around me telling me he loves me.
Want this nightmare to end.
Sorry for my lack of Christmas cheer 😓

[KIP.]

The man you thought he was doesn’t exist and will be lying to his ex too. Try to distract yourself by keeping busy. The first while is the worst but it will get easier. I was the mistress of my husband before we got married. I didn’t know he was married as he lived in another country. Devastated when I found out but should have run for the hills then. He just repeated the pattern with me. Their behaviour doesn’t change. If you continue contact he will just keep abusing you. You deserve a decent truthful faithful man. Try to take things an hour at a time then a day at a time. These men are never happy. They just don’t know how to be.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thank you kip, I guess I still go back into thinking it was really me that caused this breakup. Just hurts so very very much . I am scared I’ll never heal, I’ll never be loved and I’ll never be happy alone .
No doubt we are all feeling like this in one way or another.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

It was never you who caused this breakup it was all his doing. You will heal I am sure of it in still trying to be positive despite everything. At least you are in a safe, loving environment with your family. Whatever you think he has is superficial just like he is. They’ll never experience true happiness. They’ll never know what it’s really like to love and we will. They’re the biggest losers out of this not us. Stick in there half of Xmas day has already passed 😊 x*x

[KIP.]

These fears you have are what drive us into the arms of abusers. They’re irrational and caused by our own self loathing and low self esteem. Deliberately caused by our abusers. Have confidence in yourself as a wonderful human being. You need on ones validation x

[Fuzzyfelt]

Positive…. you are so right! Even if we were still together he told me he had to share it with ‘his family’. He would of gone off to his parents and switch off his phone, and be gone hours whilst I sat around waiting for him. If I complained I was told I was selfish. He never incorporated me with them . That’s what caused the arguments when we only got to spend 1/3 weekends together ( because of his job) so I hardly had anytime with him.

The argument that caused him to leave was him going off to see his mum two days in a row ( 4 hours+) on our weekend, when he’d be spending the next weekend there anyway.
Thought it was strange spending so much time there.

[Fuzzyfelt]

KIP he doesn’t even want me… not even a Christmas message. (detail removed by moderator). I’m like used bog roll

[Borntobefree]

Hi fuzzyfelt
Sending you hugs

Christmas time is so painful
You not alone hun

I’ve been through the tears

We are not to blame for our abusers actions

We deserve love not abuse

I loved my ex so so much

But he never loved me ..it was all fake

You are stronger than you think

We need to love ourselfs

Which I’ve never done… I’ve always put others first

Get the s**m.out your head.. he’s not worth it
They want us to feel pain they get a kick out of it they are sick not us

We all been there and still have our struggles
You can do this baby steps all the way

I with you 100% of the way X

[ineedtosurvivethis]

You are such a strong woman. See how far you have become. Its all a facade with him today. I know its hard but you have us all for support. Feel bad for the others with him behind closed doors. The mask will eventually slip. He isn’t that much good of an actor. Think of everything he did wrong. He is the problem.
You have us here. He has himself for a lifetime. How awful!! Merry Christmas sweets x

[Fuzzyfelt]

I’m glad I’m not alone (although I wish we were not helping each other under such circumstances).
I still don’t know if he wears a mask for everyone… his family think he’s great. Think that’s what makes it worse. Although I don’t remember him having any of his own close friends. I’m the one who’s alone not him .

[IrisAtwood]

Fuzzy, that is exactly how he wants you to feel. Kip is right that those negative thoughts and feelings were created in us by our abusers. They are not true. You will heal, you will be loved and it is possible to be happy and content alone – if that is what is right for you.
My ex told me that I was incapable of love and that other people found me boring and attention seeking. That is not true. All of the evidence in my life is to the contrary.
If I don’t have another romantic partner then I know that at least I can love myself as I deserve to be loved! I am working a program for recovery that is similar to the program for people who misuse alcohol but is designed for people with my pattern of thinking and behaviour. One aspect of it to learn to love yourself.
Please don’t let your abuser carry on dictating your feelings. You are worth far more than that.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thanks Iris. What programme are you working on? I was thinking of trying out (detail removed by moderator) . Need to do something

[KIP.]

Hi fuzzyfelt,
(detail removed by modertor)
It worries me when you say he would switch his phone off. Sounds like a cheat. Just like my ex. You don’t need to turn your phone off when at your families house.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Yes that was the one I meant kip… wondered if anyone has tried it?
He didn’t always turn it off but sometimes I found it coincided with his ex turning up…. and he wouldn’t tell me she was going to be there ( or said he’d told me and I must of forgot) she’s his wife who’s divorcing him because of our (detail removed by moderator) affair.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Not long before he ended it he jokingly said I’d ruined his life… but he was the one who told me he wanted me for years and didn’t feel guilty as he deserved happiness!

[KIP.]

The site was fantastic. You can skip to bits that affect you but it really helped me. The thing about abusers is that they are compulsive liars. Never believe a word he says. Even when caught in a lie my ex would swear blind I was wrong. Shocking behaviour. Even swore on his daughters life. Monster.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thanks Kip I’ve been looking at it and was a bit scared it was more sharks feeding off others misery!
I’m really struggling though as I’m worried I’m the n********t  because I need others to validate my self worth! See I’m going crazy!

[KIP.]

Take it slowly. Is it others or him you need to validate your self worth? You are the one on this website needing help. I would not think a n********t would never admit that. Let alone seek help. I’ve sent you a personal message x

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thanks Kip, I’m struggling with who I am and what’s real at the moment. I can’t trust a single thing in my head right now

[cloudyday]

Yep I share your self doubt and loss of self worth. Can totally relate to your feelings. He constantly tells me that if I break with him I will end up with a player who cheats on me as that is all that is out there for me. They make our esteem so low that we have no self worth. Need to learn to love ourselves but its hard when you are constantly put down by these n*********s. We need to do something in our lives that makes us feel good about ourselves. Struggling tonight as he is has walked out after yet another argument which again he said is all my fault. Christmas night alone. All time low. Like you I cant trust a single thing going on in my head. Tired and drained.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Oh cloudy days my heart goes out to you. It’s like they start an argument however you try to avoid it so they can walk out. Leaving you confused and devastated. I used to hold my frustrations/ doubts in but of course that causes anxiety, depression and I’d spend days working out the best way to air my concerns. Ended up thinking I had communication problems.I feel weak and pathetic.

Has he returned yet? I hope you are ok

[cloudyday]

Hi Fuzzyfelt

Sorry its taken so long to reply. Yea he returned (detail removed by moderator)(we dont live together) but made my life hell for the rest of Christmas and did the same to me on New Years Eve and I saw the New Year in alone at home. We went out on New Years Eve, according to him my dress was too short and he was brewing for a row. Came home half way through evening and a half hour later he was gone again leaving me to see the New Year in alone. Felt so low again. then (detail removed by moderator) messaged me happy new year with a kiss. What a headf***k. You are right it leaves you confused, devastated, frustrated, upset, hurt, anxiety at an all time high. Ive never experienced such a bad christmas and new year. Things have just got worse and worse. Blaming my family for not liking him, putting them and me down all the time. Saying he is the good guy and playing the victim. The other evening he was shouting in my face calling me pathetic for not standing up to my family. Telling me Im weak. You fuzzyfelt are no more weak and pathetic than I am. They are the weak and pathetic ones but they make us believe we are what they say we are. He starts arguments all the time over nothing. As you say you try to avoid it but you know its building and building until it explodes. He does it normally when he wants to go out on a Friday. Causes a massive row so he can go. There i never a way to avoid it. He drains me. He hasnt been physically violent to me but he talks about violent acts and what he would like to do to people that cross him. He even mentioned my family and I said that if ever he did anything I would not hesitate to get the police. He truly scares me with the things he says.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Hi again,
Lovely to hear from you but sad to hear you have to put up with so much c**p.
I’m holding out for a much better year and Christmas now he’s gone. I hope you find your freedom too.
We are strong women who have been manipulated and abused to feed their weak and damaged souls. We can rise again and love and live ….

[cloudyday]

I really admire you so much that you have broken free. Still trying to find my strength but I’m working on it every day. The trouble is I know he wont go easily and I think I will have to go through hell to come out the other side. How did you manage to break free. I don’t live with him. When Ive tried to end things in the past he bombards me with texts and calls and turns up at my house. He threatens to kill himself and plays the victim. Turns everything around an I’m the bad one. I let him in as I don’t want a scene. and then I’m back in that cycle again. I’m going to find out if he has a history of this kind of behaviour. I heard about Clares Law through the forum and I think I would be best advised to find out if there have been violent or abusive incidents in the past with his previous partners. He said police have been involved before but made out that he had never done anything and his previous partners were out to trap him.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Hi again,
The first time he was married so it was easier to end it, the second time he split with wife and love bombed me and we got engaged.  months later he discarded me when I protested against his behaviour. I had no choice, I didn’t know he was a n********t or that I was abused. Thought I was a crazy needy b***h! I don’t know what’s worse tbh, I was suicidal. Worst pain ever….
I’m slowly recovering ( detail removed by moderator) but today he turned up(detail removed by moderator)!!!!! I sent him on his way but I am hurting still .. I just want it all to be a nightmare and wake up and find the lovely guy I thought I had. I still struggle with that concept.
I don’t think there’s an easy path, we have to face our pain, deal with it and move on.
It’s a lesson in learning about our inner wounds .
I send you lots of love , please pm me if you need a chat x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Fuzzyfelt,

I can really relate to your sentence: “I just want it all to be a nightmare and wake up and find the lovely guy I thought I had. I still struggle with that concept”

That is exactly how I’m feeling right now, sums it up perfectly. It’s just so dreadfully hard and sad isn’t it? We thought we’d met these wonderful kind loving men, we thought we had a future with them, then it all blows up and we realise that our dream has turned into our worst nightmare. And it takes so incredibly long to heal from, and the journey is so painful.

Well done for sending him on his way, sounds like a classic hoovering attempt. My ex hoovered me a lot until I got the police involved as it became harassment. Don’t feel the need to communicate with him at all, can you go full no contact? They always have a door in otherwise and that is the worrying part.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Hi Sunshine,
Yes it’s a sad old business and one I wish I could get over ASAP lol.
I have gone full no contact but if he turns up it makes it hard! I just went Grey Rock when he turned up so he didn’t get any fuel from me.
I won’t be treated like some cheap tart… he can p*** off, I’m stronger now, have grown boundaries and I’m not his puppet anymore.
Still b****y hurts as those doubts creep in about him and was he really that bad? Yes yes yes he was.
Keep strong Sunshine x*x

[Author]

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