Anyone else worry he wasn’t a (detail removed by moderator)?

[MeOnScreen]

Hi All

Been coming to terms for the past couple of years that my ex was an abusive n********t.
Been feeling c**p for the last week after finding out he’s having a kid to his newish gf and imagining how perfect there relationship.
Feeling a lot better today however I’ve started wondering if he was a (detail removed by moderator).
He 100% gaslighted me a lot. If I did anything less then perfect he would flip, for example forgetting something really small (such an a (detail removed by moderator) for an overnight stay it would be the end of the world.
I couldn’t confront any of his behaviour without him accusing me a being a miserable b*tch and a moaner breaking up with me (before reconciling with me a couple of days later).
He was physically abusive once and on another occasion threatened to spit in my face (detail removed by moderator).
When he would scream and shout at me I would apologise and cry and say I’m sorry for for making him angry but he even when I was crying he would continue to scream in my face.
I secretly recorded him screaming in my face once and once he calmed down I showed him
It and he looked really humiliated with himself but asked me to deleted the recording.

I think my issue is, I’ve been listening to this audiobook called N********t Abuse Recovery, which is really informative however I didn’t think he always fits the narrative (detail removed by moderator). For example he actually has a really good relationship with the mother of his first child and they get on well (detail removed by moderator).

Wondering if anyone else has these moments and doubts whether their ex was abusive (detail removed by moderator) and worries that they weren’t.

I read back on old messages between me and ex, when I was very young, and at the beginning I do think he was a lot more understanding and I was a real moody cow sometimes I think and I wonder did I make him like this!?

[Lifeinterrupted]

I’ve wondered this, too; and spoke to my counsellor about it. In reality, only a very tiny % of the population would fit the criteria for a true n********t ( n**********c personality disorder). However, it is a spectrum, and a lot of toxic people do exhibit n**********c traitsand behaviours. It’s just a label, don’t get too hung up on it – someone might not quite ” fit” but that doesn’t mean they aren’t absolutely toxic, abusive and dangerous.

You did not make him like this, he chose to behave like this. We are brainwashed into blaming and doubting ourselves, but if we had the power to make them so cruel and callous, we’d also be able to make them stop. And we can’t, because they know exactly what they’re doing.

They always seem really lovely at the beginning, that is part of the the pattern. I’ve questioned myself on this many times. The reality is, the niceness is a facade designed to get you to trust them and attach. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Please don’t feel in any way that you caused this, and know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. Sending you a big hug x

[Darcy]

Good afternoon my beautuiful angel … meonscreen
I totally understand you wanting to ‘diagnose’ the actions and behaviours of your ex partner (and we have all done it) let me tell you, however you never will, and more to the point you will exhaust yourself trying.
Whatever label you want to give him, he was not a very nice human being.
What I would encourage you to do is use that energy to invest in yourself, find out who you are now.
What do you like, what don’t you like, what are your boundaries , what makes you laugh, because when you have lived with an abuser you forget all these things and who you are…invest that energy into you
Sending you love and support
D xx

[Author]

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