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Hi everyone
Firstly apologies for not posting for a while….my head has been all over the place.
Quick summary of abuse…married over 20 years…. having been on this forum and doing lots of reading…I have now realised that he is abusive towards me and one of our children ( who stands up to him). I now see him for what he is …a bully who has to control those around him.
About 2 months ago I built up the courage to say I could not live like this anymore.
Since then he has been the perfect husband. Not even any little blips! In some ways this has hurt me even more as it is now obvious to me it was choice behaviour before.
I built up even more courage over the weekend and said again that I can’t live like this. He was completely in shock and kept saying that he has been nice. He then proceeded to tell me that the whole of his life was about me and he could not live without me.
I presume that the past few months have been love bombing…has anyone else experienced anything like this?
Take care x -
Hi gerbil iv not posted in a couple weeks. I had a little health scare but I’m totally fine and I’m the same since then he’s no controlling he’s been not starting arguments. He still says to me daily I don’t think u love me but I feel the same I think is this just the calm before the storm or what. I don’t know it’s brain frying. So I don’t have any advice but I know how you are feeling x*x
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Oh yes. After a bad bad time when hes been so bad i just cant take anymore and he knows it he is nice over nice will do anything and everything for me.
This happens all the time and i find myself every time doubting myself wondering what on earth im doing here. Ive been married same amount of time as you and the fact that you now see and recognise the abuse is amazing well done but now dont fall back sweetie this is a game to him, we have all read that they wont ever change none of them do sadly as much as that hurts to say they wont. I think this is just another tactic sweetie be safe be firm beleive in what you know is true. Take care xxxx -
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Yes I have experienced this I believe it’s called hoovering. Look up the Cycle of Abuse, and FOG (Fear, Obligation ,Guilt). It’s part of emotional abuse and makes us confused as we then start to question how we feel and question their behaviour as now they’re being so nice. It’s awful. The more you learn though the more you will notice these things. Start to take note and understand what is going on. My husband is very manipulative and it took me a long time to understand and see the pattern of behaviours
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Oh gosh yes I experienced those ‘so shocked’ reactions, even though I had said how unhappy I was,he was and wanted to separate… he feigned surprise, behaved ‘really nicely’ (his words), he then went into victim mode, threanted suicide and then went into full abuse mode once separated a while.and no chance of a reconciliation…
Do not trust a word he says, he will habe no plans of leaving as they don’t leave like healthy people… reread any journals you have to remind you of the other sides he has shown you
It is realky tough. . Coming out of the FOG is good to read up on.
Big hugs ❤️
HFH -
Yes, definitely, was with my now ex, for (detail removed by moderator) before I finally left, with our children – during a nice phase, which was outward to the world, but quietly, dangerously brooding, while in the house together, when children were out of the house.
We left (detail removed by moderator) and even now, I struggle to comprehend his outlook.
He now has a new partner, (detail removed by moderator) he is treating her the same, as he did me. I can her the same sentences/conversations, we had. Along with a new perspective of distance/time away, (detail removed by moderator)
They believe they are right, see no issues in their behaviours, therefore, they are unable to change it, not because they can’t, but because they don’t want too.
Before we left, he gave a whole range of – good, bad, evil, ugly, loving, happy, fierce, cheerful, threatening, suicidal, quiet or nasty.
It took me years of watching, carefully for patterns and trying to unravel truth, lies, anger and blame to find a truth. It was never what I thought – all my fault – it was, I left, once I understood I could only control my own thoughts, emotions and actions. Not his, I was not responsible for his emotions, any of them.
Leaving was the hardest part for me, but once the courage was found, and choice made, it was easy.
Discovering those things, was not easy, explaining, also was hard, as it felt like trying to catch smoke!
If the things my children now tell me, about how he was with them, had been known, at the time – some are horrid – throwing chairs around, screaming at them, yelling, threatening them with violence – not acting on it…….
They have started thanking me, for leaving when I did, after giving years of hell!
Sending love, I hope things remained calm, and stable.
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