Anyone had dreadful cruelty form abuser when ill

[godschild]

Ive been pretty distraught the past two days and totally alone, I called Samaritans late last night but ended up feeling worse, I don’t mean to knock them but she had no idea at all about abuse, I t old her I had (detail removed by moderator) and could not get out without my Husband, yet she kept asking things that made it obvious se had not listened to what I had said, I was in a real state and wanted to talk to someone but it did not work out
I’m at a very low point as I suffer long tem severe anxiety and agoraphobia and Ive been struggling to overcome physical illness for weeks, its made my anxiety worse and my stress levels are thro the roof so as ever my abuser has taken full advantage of this, he turned me into a total wreck then abuses me for crying and being distressed.

I cannot go out alone at all and cannot stay at home alone and I really struggle to go anywhere (detail removed by moderator), I had to go to hospital for a test, he was dreadful, he threatened and did walk off and leave me for a short time, I was in tears in the hospital as it was so hard to get there anyway.

I was panic stricken and terrified (detail removed by moderator) when something showed up on the test and I now have to take medication (detail removed by moderator) and if that does not work, its tests, I am terrified I have something awful wrong and terrified that I may have to go to hospital, I went to pieces when I was told, he just walked out of the room and left me sobbing, he will not listen to my fears but keeps forcing his own bombastic opinions on me totally disregarding my phobias, he has made cruel frightening comments and I had to stay alone for (detail removed by moderator)

I am very weak and breathless and he has moaned and moaned about the things I need making comment if I ask for things, (detail removed by moderator) and I have dreadful fear of side effects as ive had some awful ones in the past, I know he will not help me when I’m terrified or if the side effects are bad

I’m really not well enough yo be going down stairs as I need bed rest but in the end yesterday I have gone down to get my needs, he kept coming into my room yesterday to make deliberate conversation to upset me so I told him I did not want him coming in but because I stood up for myself and would not let him make me worse and more distraught he makes comments about me only wanting food from him.

I just feel I need to have support (detail removed by moderator) its horrific to know that he will not be there for me has anyone else suffered such cruelty when ill, I was in dreadful panics yesterday and when I’m crying and in real fear that he has caused he then says he wont come near me and that I’m hell to live with.

Any validation of this cruel treatment from others would help, I am so utterly alone, I text my son about my test results, just a brief reply will pray for you, I have no one to talk to at all, my daughter has just ignored my e mail I feel so alone and scared.

No one seems to care at all, sorry this is so long just need t o pour my heart out to those who understand

[KIP.]

Absolutely. They see illness as a weakness and like a true predator they go for the prey when it’s weak and vulnerable. I even had to phone NHS 24 and get up to let the emergency doctor in while he just slept. They make us feel like we are an inconvenience and they are doing us a big favour by just doing what a complete stranger would do. All my illness got better when he was gone. He was the cause of depression and anxiety and associated physical illness. I was always treating the symptoms but he was always the cause. Do you receive any outside help at all? Social service? You need to tell someone about this. He won’t change and abuse always gets worse.

[Dragonfly]

I’m not sure what advice I can give you but can tell you my story in brief. I had a very serious illness and now attend hospital for the rest of my life. Each time I was due my appointment about three weeks prior he would make me so stressed my test results would come back as a false positive. In turn I would have to endure more invasive tests to make sure my illness hadn’t returned. This meant more stress, time off work, wasting NHS time and money.

In my experience (two abusive men) they almost thrive on making us Ill. No idea why. All part of the abusive cycle I suppose.

Could you try speaking to your children again? Maybe they don’t understand. If they did perhaps they could be more hands on.

[godschild]

Dragonfly forgot to say, My children are always busy, and they won’t even acknowledge his abuse now, wont even talk about it to me, they both suffered at his hands especially my son, my daughter lives  miles away but is very selfish like her Dad and gives me zero support on anything, the both site me as being part of the issue, I think they cant cope with all he did when they were growing up but I find their generation are all take and don’t give parents the care.

I actually text my son and his wife years ago the only time my abuser hit me and he then walked out and left me alone they totally ignored me, the police called my son on another occasion as my abuser had chest pains and had to go to hospital and he totally refused to come and sit with me, its heartbreaking as ive been the very best supportive Mom I could be despite my own illneses and the abuse yet I am discarded now

[godschild]

Thankyou Kip, years ago, has Social services, no help at all, Ive tried every avenue to get help, GP did not want to know just reffered me to community mental health they phyciatrist who came to the home said their service had nothing to offer me and said get in touch with DA people, I had 12 weeks of telephone support with WA that was it, I have set many bounderies and when not physically ill, ive been a lot stronger.

Hr thinks because he may cook me something when ill that he is wonderful, ive told him he is cruel but he cannot see it

[godschild]

Thankyou for sharing that Dragonfly, what on earth makes them tick, whenever ive had to attend appointments mine has stressed me so much before, I had (detail removed by moderator), can be very serious, (detail removed by moderator), but he was hateful about taking me to out of hours GP, ranting all the way then walked off and left me while in there and us being ill seems to be such an inconvenience to them why do they cause it, how can they be so inhumane and not care.

[KIP.]

I would try social services again. Things have drastically changed over the last couple of years. Domestic abuse is more understood and you may get a personal carer or some help that excludes him from being near you. Ring Rights for Women too just to see how you stand legally and financially. It might give you the confidence to get rid of your abuser x

[godschild]

Thanks Kip, they told me about agencies if I needed anyone to sit with me, (detail removed by moderator), I cant be alone at all and need to be in my own home due to the agopraphobia which ive had over (detail removed by moderator) years, I had issues as a child, no doubt he has made them worse.

[Dragonfly]

Unsure what to suggest. You know you have support here right? But you need more practical help by the sound of it too. Is there maybe any support network set up for your particular illness? I mean something online whereby you can share experiences?  (detail removed by moderator)

This forum has been and still is a great help to me too.

[godschild]

I have suffered for decades had every form of treatment, I was a member of anxiety uk, learned a lot from them, there are some on line forums, just reading other people who have similar helps, knowing that other people know the extent of it all, I had a friend on line (detail removed by moderator) but shew has just cut me off after several years of friendship then another so called friend who suffered similar turned horrible on me, people use you and I think when you are abused you get cut off as well and lose people

[Tiffany]

My abuser used my health issues to abuse me. He was alternately hugely helpful and supportive and incredibly unkind and hurtful. I left after things got physical and I realised he was messing with my mind.

The thing I find interesting, I just looked up (detail removed by moderator) which I had never heard of before, and it describes accurately the state that my abuser tried to put me in. He built my fears of what would happen if I was alone, convinced me that he was the only person who would truly support me. I suspect that you have already considered this, but it seems highly possible that your abuser is the cause as well as it’s focus. He may well have exploited your agoraphobia in order to create this state for you. I have no idea what you can do about it though, especially when it is so entrenched. My fears gradually diminished after I left my ex but he never managed to push the fears into the realms of phobias. Also my underlying health condition improved so I became less vulnerable to his fear mongering. I would reach out for help if you can. As KIP says, things may have improved since your last efforts. I really think things could improve if you could escape him, but I have no idea how you do it.

[godschild]

Thankyou Tiffany, I get those two extremes as well, he can be very helpful then I see the cracks begin, and he is vile to me, no rhyme or reason to why he changes, its total Jeckle and hyde.

I was a very very frightened child afraid to be alone, so it was already there but he has defiantely pushed it much further for me.

I’m beginning to see the horror of how frightened and insecure he has made me by not being there over the decades when ive really needed support, I have somehow made him my security, illogically when I have no security in him at all quite the opposite, he could have done so much to help me with it all, but he never encourages me, comforts me , talks to me about my fears or supports me, he just rides over them and tells me what I can or cant cope with. He uses my phobias to terrify me as well. Its like due to my recent illness ive really seen how insecure and afraid I am with him.

I have found the mental health service varying form useless to abusive over the decades Ive suffered, my abuser called the ambulance to me a ploy to say I needed commiting , a really lovely paramedic took two hours to pursued me to go to the hospital as he said things had improved, the medical staff were very kind, but the mental health nurse was horrible, she said of my agoraphobia , you have the same choice as I do to go to work each day to decide whether to go out or not and you choose to stay in an abusive relationship, I went to pieces as I was already at my end, I made a complaint and she was officially told off, I don’t find anything has changed in my area, I always end up in a worse state.

[Tiffany]

I would maybe contact the domestic abuse team rather than mental health initially now. They have made great leaps in understanding of the dynamics of abuse and legislation and other services are slow to catch up. They might be able to put you in touch with the right mental health team to help you – and it would be at your pace rather than something that you were forced into by your abuser.

[godschild]

Thankyou Tiffany, I tried to find some councelling from those qualified in abuse but to no avail. my own local WA councelling shut down, I cannot get out alone to get to amyone, WA wont come out because of him but once I’m over this illnees, I am going to see if I can maybe get some support by skype but getting the right help from people trained in abuse is ni on immposible, ive tried for years.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I didn’t realise how many abusers did this until I came here. Mine does the same. The things written about in these posts, making me stressed and cry before medical appointments so that I don’t turn up or turn up in a state, making worse for me at home when I’m ill.

I don’t know if this is anything possible for you, and sorry if it’s something already ruled out, but would you be able to have him removed from your home and get a live-in carer?

[Anonymous]

Also, try the samaritans again because I’m found they’re a bit like the womens aid helpline. Lottery over whether you get someone who’s nice and understands. I was so lucky that I got to speak to one of the kindest most understanding ladies I’ve ever spoken to about this when I called the samaritans, but that was only after trying to call them about a month earlier when I got someone who was nice but didn’t seem to understand. x

[godschild]

Thankyou Blue Dolphin, I did not realise that it was common for them upset us before medical appiontments etc, its happened so often to me it cant be just chance, its deliberate. He then says to me , you always behave like this when you are ill or you always get like this when you have a medical appointment, when its HIM that behaves like it.

I was looking today at carers, they charge almost £1,000 a week for 24 hour service, his business is from home as well and I do get out and away with him, in calmer times, due to my disabilities all round my life would be far worse if I could not get out, be financially proved for, this hard but the alternative would at present be impossible for me.

Thankyou for advise on samaritans I did actually call them the other night feeling very distressed and she made me feel so much worse, I explained (detail removed by moderator) but she could not have listed as she asked questions that were ridiculous, she was very robotic n her conversation and just repeated what I was saying, she had no idea at all about abuse, but I will try again maybe, as you say its the luck of the draw , I have on a couple of occasions got two lovey ladies who really interacted with me

[Author]

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