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Hi. Should a child know about the contact book. My little one mentioned the orange book that daddy has that he can write messages to mummy and tell mummy about her time with daddy.
I feel she didn’t need to know about the book. We use the book to discuss concerns etc. If she thinks it’s about her then she may start trying to read it.
He kept the last book and said it’s not practical when I can just let him text email or what’s app. Police told him to return it but he fidnt. So I just sent a new book when he collected her and wrote why I had to start book number 2
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Hello there,
Everyone I have ever talked to who has an abusive ex, has had the experience that the ex refuses to write in the contact book, and mine never did. But that fitted in with his general lack of respect for the law.
I feel in theory it is good suggestion and well meant by solicitor etc, but difficult in practice.As far as your child is concerned you don’t mention how old they are but as such, personally I don’t think it is a bad thing that she knows it exists. She may even start insisting that her dad write in it. Which I don’t think is a bad thing either, personally. And I do understand people might disagree. Even if it is something like ‘we had fishfingers for tea and then x tripped over in the yard and had to have a plaster…’ would maybe get them into the habit of writing something in preparation for something more serious …(again I do accept others may disagree and for goodness sake if you think this advice is rubbish, I’m not at all offended, I do understand we need to do things that work for us.
My guess is though, it will never get written in. Personally I think it is the awareness you are fostering in your child that it is important to tell mummy things that is the best way of keeping her safe.
I have had some terrible times when mine was younger coming back from ex, where i had to put together pieces of information. Not really serious things but serious enough, like the time she came back and her head was crawling with nits and he hadn’t done anything about it (then he blamed it on me…). I used to check every week but as soon as she was there he hadn’t checked. That was upsetting for both of us.
Big hugs, if nothing else hope this post comes across as solidarity…
ftc
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Hi Surviving.
In general, no. Children should not be involved in matters between the parents, or put it the middle of anything. A young child seeing the book go back and forth between parents will be inquisitive. That daddy is telling mummy about her time with daddy is a simple enough explanation. Most young children it will suffice.
Keeping to basics, ie. Dental appt. went great, no cavities, trip to zoo was fun, she really loves penguins, we grabbed dinner tonight at a pasta restaurant after the zoo, will ease the worry of what she may get ahold of if she did ever read it. And I do understand with an abuser this is difficult, they like to cause issues.
Maybe have a mediator on hand and agree that any significant concerns get addressed in their presence at a meet.He kept the book as a control tactic and is also defying authority. Control and Power. There may be something in it he thinks is bad against him, or there may be something he feels he can use against you, or he wants you to worry about why he has kept the book. Don’t worry about it. You did the right thing sending a new one and writing the note. I’d camera shot that note before he rips it out or this book disappears. Just so you have it.
You sound like your thinking well despite the stress and antics of an abuser. Here if you need to talk again.
Chickadee
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Sorry to disagree. Openly talking about what an abusive relationship is (in a general way) is not the same as ‘putting a child in the middle of anything’. We all need to do this, as part of an educational process (and schools do the same).
Children are children and they learn things regardless of what you think they are noticing or not noticing.As far as I’m aware, there is no legal measure in place in our national system to enforce that an ex (or an abusive ex) is obliged to write anything in a contact book.
Hence they don’t.
all best
ftc
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He sent the book back again with nothing written In it and then text me later about how out little one was with him and trying to get the to get the older kids to message him but they refuse to. So I called the crime team again and even they have had enough of him not listening so hopefully he will get a harassment order this time
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