Viewing 16 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #17866
      KIP.
      Participant

      I like to save inspiring posts and this was one I re read this morning. Thanks to whoever posted it and I’d like to pass it on……

      You miss the good times, of which there were no doubt many because all our abusers started out as charming men – that’s why we got into relationships with them in the first place.

      Here’s what stops me missing my ex – perhaps it will help you. I remind myself that my ex is a liar and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…

      But he was lying the whole time. All the things he told me – all a fantasy. He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence).

      The real him is a self-serving and nasty individual who I never would have fallen for if he had revealed his true self to me.

      So you see I don’t miss him, but I miss aspects of the “fake” him – the one that was pretending to be nice to reel me in. Does my ex sound anything like yours? If so then put the “fake” him out of your mind – that man doesn’t exist.

    • #17868

      KIP,When I read this i thought that I wrote it a while back,it 100% is my scenario, then I saw the bit about physical violence & realised it wasn’t me as mine wasn’t physical. But it has helped me,my ex was a chameleon who moulded himself into whoever he was with, I only saw glimpses of the real him,most of the time he was getting into my head & personality for his own motives. I feel that my mind & life were torn inside out by a fraudster who I believed, I am still suffering now although we do not see or speak anymore. 😧

    • #17872
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      I missing my ex every second of my days but in court I felt sick see him inside. And I don’t even wanted to look at him. The ex inside my head that I miss is not that monster. I hate the person that I met in court. So who do I miss all this time. I literally felt sick even when it’s over.

    • #17878
      Suntree
      Participant

      Nope. I miss the fantasy in my head of my “ever after” what I realise is I had it all with the wrong person.
      Now I have none of my fantasy but what I have is a happy house and living in the here and now. I’ll take that over a dream any day.

    • #17888
      Serenity
      Participant

      Thanks, KIP.

      Yes, these abusers don’t know how to have real relationships. Using people is second nature to them. They like to play people like fiddles.

      If the fiddle breaks( that is, we stop reacting to their games and ignore them), they dump us and go and find a new fiddle to play. X

    • #17907
      White Rose
      Participant

      No. I don’t miss him. I find myself thinking of him in a positive way occassionally, then I remember the other side to him and try to forget.

    • #18140
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I missed my ex while we were together, when the kind part of him would disappear for days at a time, to be replaced by someone with a cruel, black heart. He only left today, but I’m hoping to be able to remember this truth in the difficult weeks and months to come x

    • #49401
      Anabela
      Participant

      That is so truth… Today I am feeling nostalgic ‘missing him’. But to be honest, ever since I moved in with him and then while I was still living in UK and kept a relationship I was missing him. The man I met. The man I thought he was. It felt as that man had a nasty twin who killed his brother and was the one living with me. And there were moments when I thought the old him came back. But then he would say something, do something, to show his true self. And pretty soon things would go back to normal…

    • #49402
      KIP.
      Participant

      Wow. I can’t believe how long ago it was when I posted that. It’s still true though. It’s just not painful to read now. I can tell you I’m a different woman now and given time you will be too. I find myself going for days now without thinking of him. I used to constantly think of him from the moment I woke up till I went to bed. Looking back I think it was more likely PTSD. Being anxious and on high alert for danger all the time. Another twisted way they get to occupy your thoughts. The first couple of years after leaving were worse than any two with him. My mental health went off the scale. I now know about the psychology behind it and it is truely mind blowing. Just hang in there. I was with mine for decades so it took me a while to recover. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Oh what fun we can have when we are free x it will happen….

    • #49403
      Confused123
      Participant

      110% Agree with your post, it is the fake them we missed, reality is that person never existed so nothing to miss girls, we fell in love with mr imaginary , we had the last laugh as we left,,, to all the kind beautiful strong minded ladies who have left and to all those still in process u are all survivors too and will join us soon

    • #49437
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi kip
      Do I miss my ex .. nope I hate him with a passion

      Iam still processing how an evil person
      Can break you down bit by bit .
      And blame me for the abuse
      And have no empathy towards me ..
      Only thing is .. I’ve learned so much now
      I can spot an abuser a mile off …

      I will rise even if I stumble

      I would rather live alone now ..than live with tje tin man who never had a heart .. and murdered mine

    • #49438
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      I’m still at the stage of thinking about him most of the day every day. Most of the time I can see him very clearly for who he is and just feel a sort of sick, depressive feeling of horror and sadness. I would have really liked for him to be real.

      When I do miss him it is always missing his ‘nice act’ where he pretended to be Boyfriend of the Year. He was very convincing so it’s taking my mind a long time to understand and accept that it was all an act, because I would never even think of putting on an act like that let alone carrying it out for months on end so it’s hard for me to understand.

      The only other thing I miss is sex. I feel a bit embarassed to say that I really liked his body and found him sexy because he was confident and masculine. It felt so great after not enjoying sex with a boyfriend years before him. I felt so lucky to have found a man who was apparently good, kind, faithful as well as masculine and sexy so it still hurts a lot and feels absolutely rubbish that it was all fake, that I was sharing him with god knows who else and that now I am all alone.

      I think he triggered a sort of addiction in me. Before him I had gone for years with little to no sex drive and no interest in relationships as I was extremely depressed then recovering from depression. I wonder if it is also my hormones, I feel like my body is screaming at me that it wants to get pregnant, has anyone else ever felt that? I never used to feel it when I was younger, I wonder if it is because I am getting older and my body feels like there isn’t much time left which is depressing. I think it was partly the reason why I ended up with him, I think my body seems to be sending off ‘impregnate me now’ vibes at the moment which keep attracting these horrible predators. 🙁

    • #49439
      KIP.
      Participant

      ”We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they’ve caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don’t hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of “No Contact.” You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs – “Go to the Devil.” No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word.”

      Unfortunately because of the nature of who they are, namely abusers, through and through, they will use anything we tell them that we don’t like, they will do, to upset us. Now if we told a normal person not to do such and such because it would hurt us, the normal person would refrain from doing it. But abusers, true to their nature, will always do the thing that will upset us the most.

    • #49460
      Sunshine
      Participant

      Kip, for me this is so true and I’ve only just realised this. I spent a long time wanting him to say sorry to apologise etc etc it doesn’t happen… they never look/think they are to blame. No contact which I have said previously has been pushed on me but it’s a weight off my shoulders now! I can finally see what I should of pushed for xx I proberly still love him but I need to get over this and no contact is the only way I can find the real me 🙁

    • #49494
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey sunshine, I’m finding the real me again. The happy, chirpy, confident girl I was before my abuser pushed her down so far I forgot she ever existed. I hope you continue to find the real you too 😃

    • #49496
      Dragonfly
      Participant

      Hello. I’m glad to say I miss absolutely nothing about him. After the final attack something clicked in my head. All feelings for him gone.it took a while to realise he was wearing a mask throughout (in fact two men!). I’m still left with the aftermath but slowly getting there.

      Don’t miss either of them one bit 😄

    • #49499
      Missssy
      Participant

      I just want to say well done to everyone that has managed to find themselves again. You are all so strong and have come so far.

      I really admire you and I hope that one day I too will be able to see my ‘worth’. I don’t think I have any really. But hopefully that will change at some point.

Viewing 16 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account