Anyone successfully left / had him leave via divorce?

[Blahblahblah1234]

Just read a depressing post from another poster about how divorce appointment didn’t go well RE emotional abuse and financial settlement in divorce. I was shocked as my parents got divorced without abuse and my mother stayed in house until all children left university. In fact, she got a much higher settlement even after that and still lives in house after buying my father out. (He didn’t always contribute to mortgage as was supposed to.) Wondering if this has misled me to think it’s easier than it actually is. I’m not hugely bothered about money eventually, I just want to stay here now with my children.

I’ve spoken to solicitor and WA RE occupational order and non-molestation orders and can say it seems divorce is my only way out. Can’t afford one though and he’s already told me he wouldn’t cooperate or sign anything which is absolutely true.

Did anyone get legal aid for divorce? Did it speed up the process? I doubt I’d be eligible as I have a job but most of my money goes towards running the house. Could anyone give me advice re getting legal aid if they had it – either here or PM?

He will lose it after I send papers and will be worse than hell living here if it can get any worse than it already is. (Before 10am this morning, in front of our young children, he already called me 5 different obscene insults. Broke my heart when my youngest repeated half of one insult to me, telling me that’s what I was, in an innocent way.) I know I need to end this ASAP for their sake primarily but I also want the best security and routine for my children and I’ll not give up on that- not just yet anyway. (Mortgages for very poor standard one bed flats far away from their school here are same as my nice house.)

Just really hoping someone will tell me a) records of abuse mean the divorce will be fast and force him out even if he doesn’t sign anything / turn up and b) even though I’m on half decent salary, I can get legal aid re abuse. I saw the gov website. It says domestic ‘violence’ or financial abuse only so doesn’t look good.

Wondering about evidence strength too for legal aid if it was ever possible? I have been to police re coercion once very recently) but I really don’t want my kid’s school / social services involved and only narrowly missed that by refusing to give my children’s names. I have spoken to local WA a couple of times and I have log and recordings of some horrible stuff. (To some extent violent – dragging and pushing me out of the bed and kicking where I was sitting. I have one recording when I should have left from 8 years ago too where I was sick and throwing up with bug. Just had baby and he was shouting abuse about how useless / weak etc I was- if I can get my iCloud to work!)

Sorry for long post! Keeping fingers crossed for some good news xx

[KIP.]

Those five insults are abusive behaviour and also child abuse. It’s illegal. I’d argue that along with the history of abuse would be enough for an occupation order. Are you keeping a journal or talking to women’s aid? Abusing the mother in front of the child is child abuse. Go down that route too. Have you spoken to your local domestic abuse police unit. If your child will repeat what he said to the police they may act. Divorce is just a piece of paper. Even if they don’t act, you have had to report his behaviour to the police and that will help with your occupation order. They will give you a crime number. The main thing is getting him out and kept away from you.

[Tiffany]

I was lucky enough not to be married to my abuser. I moved out and came back on weekends to try and help fix the relationship (I had no idea I was being abused at the time, just that he was acting erratically and that I needed some space away from him). Over the course of the several week it took me to decide to leave, even only seeing him on weekends, and with him trying very hard to woo me back, I saw an escalation of abusive behaviour. I think attempting to serve your abuser divorce papers while living with him could be really dangerous. I would imagine that his behaviour will become more erratic, and that the abuse will worsen if you try it. If you feel you can’t leave the house (and I know this is the case for some women), then you need to push for an occupation order. Otherwise I would recommend moving out and then starting divorce proceedings. Unfortunately what you described that happened with your parents sounds perfectly feasible for non-abusive couples, but almost impossible for abusers and their victims. Abusers just don’t act reasonably. And in situations where they are losing their victims they are even worse than they normally are.

It only took weeks for my abusers actions to share me out if returning. Seeing him two days a week. I can’t imagine what things would have been like if I tried to end things while living with him. And he wasn’t even a particularly scary abuser. He specialises in guilt tripping and gaslighting. I think in your best case scenario, it’s going to take longer than that to get the divorce through. And as your abuser is unlikely to cooperate it could take much longer.

I second KIP’s advice on going back to women’s aid and seeing if you can get advise on getting an occupation order.

[Lisa]

Hi there Blahblah blah, I am sorry to hear about what has been happening, what you describe in front of your children is horrible. You and your children do not deserve to live like that, it is important that you remember that you aren’t to blame. The abuser is always responsible for their actions. Do continue to access all of the support that you can.

If you take a look at the information Rights of Women have put together about the Legal Aid Gateway I am sure you will find some useful information. You could also get some advice from their Family Law advice line, you can find out more at their website

DV Assist are a specialist service around Injunctions including Occupation orders and Non- Molestation orders they would be able to offer you some guidance around these.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thank you – just saw this.

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thank you! Solicitor and local WA that I spoke to say very, very hard to get occupation order unless extreme violence because “they don’t want to make a man homeless.” His family are far away and I’m not sure about affordability of him (or I living) alone which they apparently consider.

I look into it again though – does anyone know if you can try to get one without them knowing? Ie they only find out if it’s successful? I think I know answer 🙁

[Author]

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