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    • #106872
      solivagant
      Participant

      Hello,
      I made an application to clairs law and am waiting to hear back. They’ve said there is something that they need to disclose. But I’m still waiting for the call to say what it is.

      Has anyone been through clairs law? What sort of thing do they disclose? Exactly how worried should I be??

      I’m hoping its somthing minor and non important but with a little one on the way and it’s his I’m petrified at what it could be

    • #106873
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      Hi, I think Clair’s law covers dangers of abuse, violence, sex offences. If it’s on Clair’s law register, you should be very concerned!

      • #106875
        solivagant
        Participant

        We arent together but he wants to be in babys life… will it still be bad news for her?

      • #106899
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        (detail removed by Moderator) If your not together? there’s a clue! And you mentioned, your petrified! That’s another! I don’t mean to add to your problems? But… You could lose your baby if social services become involved! I know! Because, it happened to me! This could be a case of… Make your choice now! baby or him? I didn’t get to make the choice! The baby was here, by the time I found out, from a social worker who turned up at my home. She informed me, someone had concerns! And they did their investigation, had enough grounds to remove the baby! And that’s because it was too late! To late for me to have got rid of him! Out of our lives! For the baby’s sake! And mine! Not my choosing! I had no say! If I had suspected anything? I could have had a choice! Before my baby was born. Make your choice, the right one! For yours and your baby’s sake! I mean, for your baby’s sake and yours! Good luck💞

    • #106896
      Headspinning
      Participant

      Yes I used it a few months ago whilst considering leaving a relationship.
      I knew there was something in his background from before we got together that went to court and I knew his version.
      Given the anger and verbal abuse and suspected coercive control I felt I was subjected to, over the years I came at suspect his version.
      I’m very glad I did. It took 3 weeks for the call to come saying they would like to speak to me. (Pre Covid)
      I went to the police station and was taken to an interview room with 2 police officers who specialised in Domestic abuse.
      They explained that a review had been done, social services and police had reviewed the info and decided that it was in the public interest for a disclosure to be made. They only disclose criminal activity where they feel the current partner is in danger in the relationship – in other words if he has a load of parking tickets or shop lifting offences they won’t disclose. They must have reason to believe there is a potential threat based on his previous convictions.
      I had to sign a disclaimer saying I understood this, wanted the disclosure and would not share the information given as it was for me. Through conversation they said that means don’t go posting it on Facebook etc but we understand this is a big deal and you will want to speak to a friend about it over a bottle of wine and get some support.
      Honestly – the police officers were lovely – very down to earth.
      After I signed the disclosure I was allowed to turn over the page to see what was being disclosed.
      It simply said xx had convictions for domestic abuse against previous partners. It is our opinion that yy is at risk of psychical and emotional abuse in this relationship.
      Beyond that – any info I got was from asking questions of the police officers. I was straight away shocked to see the word “partners” as that indicated more than one and it shook me to see in black and white that police and social services considered me “at risk”
      Through conversation, I was able to get a better understanding of his record – they could tell me the charge he had been found guilty off but weren’t supposed to give me any specific detail. But through persistent questions I got to the bottom of it.
      It was clear my ex’s version was very minimised. There was verbal abuse and (detail removed by Moderator) incidents of physical ( not crazy beating them up which was slightly reassuring because it was then unlikely he would do that to me – but enough to make a charge stand – and any violence is not ok). It really helped to realise I wasn’t mad, it wasn’t me that was the problem and that he had a persistent track record of abusing the women in his life, more than (detail removed by Moderator) of which took it to Court – surely they couldn’t all be independently lying.
      I was then asked if I intended to remain in the relationship and I said no. They discussed whether I felt in current danger and we spoke about safety measures. I had changed my locks. They put a red marker on my address / which indicates in the police system the occupant is at risk of domestic abuse and should be treated as a priority if she calls 999. Both terrifying to be seen as at risk and reassuring to know if he turned up banging at my door the police would be there quickly. They told me about an app I could put in my phone to show my location to a trusted person with an alarm system built in.
      And that was it really! I left, shaken of course. The disclosure told me things I hadn’t already known and it was enough of a catalyst to force me to take action.
      They recommend you don’t challenge the abuser as it can trigger them. But it was going to eat me up so I arranged to meet him In a safe place with someone Trusted present to ensure my safety. He was still trying to reconcile at the time. I had a thought that if he was honest about his past, accepted his need to address his anger management and sought help, we could take time apart and reconsider a few months down the line. In my mind the incidents were before we met, each one in isolation wasn’t truly terrible (I was still shocked and probably minimising) and my abuse had been mostly verbal (A couple of shoves, being grabbed once, throwing something at me once – yes I know, I’m still minimising!) – I was just always worried it would become more physical Though. We had been together over (detail removed by Moderator) years so I thought I at least had to keep an open mind.
      I asked him to tell me what was on his record. He again minimised, flat out denied, said the police were exaggerating, said the women had all lied, justified parts based on the woman’s behaviour etc. Instead of calmly explaining – he turned it in me. He shouted at me as he stood over me refusing to sit down. He then brought up deeply private and intimate things from my past to tell the member of family present to humiliate and embarrass me in retaliation. I asked him to stop and that those things weren’t relevant to what we were here to discuss, but no he was determined to really create hurt and damage me through his words.
      The whole thing was over in (detail removed by Moderator) minutes Leaving me a wreck. The only good thing was that the witness had previously been biast towards helping fix the relationship and when the true colours were displayed that day that was the end of that. Yes I was horribly embarrassed at some of my deepest secrets being chucked out there but I wasn’t judged – we all have our skeletons and mine weren’t illegal – that fact he brought them up to shame me said far more about him than it did about me.
      Am I glad I went for Clare’s law? Absolutely yes. Knowledge is power. It didn’t exist when we got together – if it had I would have used it sooner. When it did come into force I was curious but at that time not considering exiting the relationship and I worried I would then get interference from Social services as I had kids and I genuinely thought what was on his record was one thing and very minor. I wouldn’t hesitate in the future if I had suspicions of a future partner. Am I glad I confronted him? Probably – in spite of it being a horrible (detail removed by Moderator) minutes that haunts me, it solidified who he is.
      Once a partner is brave enough to ask for disclosure and once a disclosure has been made, here is the really interesting bit I was told. You are making it easier and safer for any of his future potential victims. Because ALL future partners are considered to be at risk – therefore if the police become aware of a future partner they don’t need to wait for her to get curious enough to come knocking at their door – disclosure grounds have already been made by you so they can proactively go to her and offer disclosure before she even thinks to ask! In practice I don’t know if police have the manpower to do that in all cases but I found it comforting to know that by my bravery in asking I may have saved someone else inadvertently getting into a long term relationship with him unknowingly.
      I think you are doing the right thing. You have the safety of your young child to consider. If he is a genuine threat maybe the disclosure will help make your case to ensure he has more limited access or only supervised visits? Police are only supposed to make disclosure when in a relationship so be careful how you position it – I made it clear we were at a potential break point and I was deciding whether to continue or not. We still had joint accounts, he still had clothes and possessions in my house, he was still trying to continue, we were still spending some time together while exploring the options. If the relationship is well an truly over they may not make the disclosure because if you aren’t in a relationship you aren’t at risk. Clare’s law is to protect partners – therefore they need to think you are a partner to comply with their authority to disclose. So don’t say you are fully separated and no intention of ever speaking to him or you may get told nothing.
      Good luck – let me know how you get on xx

      • #106942
        solivagant
        Participant

        Thank you so much! This is really helpful I feel more prepared now!! I had told them we were broken up but they still felt the need to tell me they would arrange when to disclose information to me so I’m guessing it must be bad if i had to be in a relationship to get the info, or maybe because there a baby on the way that links us 🤷🏼‍♀️ did you have any children with him? If so were you able to keep him away from them??

        Thanks

    • #106958
      Headspinning
      Participant

      I had 2 children but they weren’t his so we have no links thank goodness!!

      • #111789
        Wateringcan
        Participant

        Dont put him on birth certificate. X

    • #111797
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Solivagent. Lots of good advice above. For your question about whether it will be bad news for your daughter if he stays in her life, in my experience yes, it will be bad for her.

      The overwhelming experience of mothers on this site shows that living with an abuser is bad for the children. Unfortunately, I did raise my children with their father and it has affected them both to varying degrees. Even if they don’t abuse the child (and they do usually manipulate them) then they will often try to use the child as a weapon against the mother.


      @Wateringcan
      mentioned not putting him on the birth certificate. A quick google search revealed that “if the father is not named on the birth certificate, they have no legal rights regarding their child. He would have to enter into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the mother, which would give the father the same rights as the mother, or the father can apply to court for a Parental Responsibility Order.”

      If he wants to be involved, he will risk exposing his abuse.

      • #111798
        solivagant
        Participant

        He’s insisting he will be in the child’s life and wanting 50/50 custody and trying to ensure that he will be registered on birth certificate. I got the result from Claire law and its so much worse than I could have imagined but there appears to be no way to protect baby from him 😔

    • #111803
      Eggshells
      Participant

      I would strongly recommend that you ring Rights for Women and Citizens Advice.

      As far as I’m aware you can refuse to put him on the birth certificate and you can also refuse to sign a parental responsibility agreement. However insistent he is being, he can’t make you do either of those things. You must stand your ground on this. The only option he will have is to go to court and if he is already flagged up on a Clare’s Law search, that won’t work in his favour. You need to get other people involved now. Talk to your midwife and/or your GP about this and tell them that you and your baby will need safeguarding.

      Don’t despair. This might not be easy but he can’t force his way into your baby’s life. He needs the court behind him. Start putting wheels in motion now so that a court will see that he is not a safe person for the baby to be left alone with.

    • #111815
      solivagant
      Participant

      I have tried to get the ball in motion. I spoke to police for harassment but they won’t doing anything, I spoke to gp about the stress and they said think about the money when the babys been born, the midwife often offers to help but never follows through what she said so its just an on going battle to receive any help at all! I got a case worker from womens aid last week so hopefully things will start picking up but there’s not much longer before baby’s here! At the point I’m at i don’t want her to come and of she does im scared about leaving the hospital because once I’m out then I have to try manage baby and continue to do everything else. I won’t get to rest and I don’t know how to protect her after bringing her home because I can almost garuntee as soon as I say she’s born but no contact until courts sort something he’s gonna get really mad!!! But he might not do anything until after he’s got what he wants than my life will be so much worse!

    • #111817
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Solivagent

      I wish I had this information before the travesties we went through.

      There are ways to protect your baby from him, try contacting Rights of Women, coram children’s legal centre, justice for women, and express your concerns to your gp.

      You need to go as soon as possible, alone, to register your baby.

      Keep your pregnancy quiet and only tell a very trusted few when you give birth.

      He will try to get information from your family and friends, warn them of this. He will likely cry and try to emotionally blackmail them for information about you and the pregnancy/baby.

      Don’t post on social media, and block him/his friends, from all of yours.

      Have you called WA for their advice?

      Its shocking that this man is still out there abusing women and making babies!

      Its very likely you could apply for a non-mol order against him to protect you both, based on the disclosures and his behaviour and future threat to you both.

      Warmest wishes to you

      TS

    • #111842
      solivagant
      Participant

      I’ve tried multiple times to get through to rights of women but I can’t seem to ever get through! I will look into the others though see what I can find out! I won’t be telling anyone I’ve had the baby until AFTER ive registered it, thats when I will be telling close friends and the father. I have deleted all social media so I cannot be found on it. I have for individual things but have really pushed for a case worker. I now have one but there’s still a long way to go!!

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