Anyone with a partner who has ADHD or ADD?

[TiredZiggy]

Hi
I’m not going to go into the whole history of my relationship. I’ve posted on here previously. I just wanted some advice please. My husband can be verbally abusive and controlling in subtle ways. This has become more prominent when he has family stresses (with his immediate family) he takes it out on me basically. Myself and the kids have also noticed he has strange behaviours. He drums with his hands a lot and finds it very difficult remembering what you’ve discussed with him in a conversation. He keeps spreadsheets for everything and has multiple and I mean multiple bank accounts with little ‘pots’ everywhere and becomes fixated with savings penny’s here and there. When you’re speaking to him he’ll keep tapping and drumming with his hands and making beat boxing sounds in the room when he’s alone. He told me when he was little he was very hyperactive and used to have meltdowns all the time. But he’d sit and bash his head against the wall to sooth himself. He’s very intelligent when it comes to numbers and has a really good job but he lacks common sense with every day things. He cannot tap into people’s emotions or situations that well and completely misses the point at times. He’s not a good judge of time, like he’ll start a massive job 10 mins before we’re due to leave the house and things like that. Could this just be his personality or could there be other issues? Anyone with similar experiences? My teenager suggested he may have an underlying issue. He’s seeing a counsellor at the moment but the counsellor hasn’t mentioned anything, but there again how can I be sure what he’s telling them? People generally love him when they meet him. But they aren’t married to him!

[Lisa]

Hello TiredZiggy,

I’m sure other users will be able to offer some insight on this subject and may have experience that they feel comfortable to share.

In the meantime, I just wanted to highlight the importance of noting that having a medical or mental health diagnosis, or suspected condition, does not excuse abusive behaviour. The abuser is responsible for their actions regardless of this, and a diagnosis should never be used to justify, minimise or excuse abuse.

We know that there are many individuals who live with mental health issues, addiction, previous trauma, disabilities etc. who do not abuse or hurt their partners, so this is not a justification.

It’s natural to want to understand and rationalise abuse when we are experiencing it, but this might be a useful factor to bear in mind.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Bananaboat]

My ex used to say he had ADHD as a kid, used this to explain why he couldn’t remember birthdays or special occasions, why he drank and needed weed, why he’d have outbursts, why we all annoyed him etc…and for a while I used this diagnosis to justify his behaviour but as Lisa said, conditions don’t excuse abuse. Overtime I realised he was choosing to act this way, the condition whether real or not was being used as a cover. Once I accepted that his tactics changed to depression, or addiction, or stress or whatever he thought might work that week. Don’t know if that helps in anyway x

[browneyedmum]

Hey hey, Lisa’s spot on.

Spoken as an Autistic woman who cares for nuerodiverse kids, you can be Autistic and be an a*****e too. (detail removed by Moderator)

Not an excuse, rather an explanation. Your husband might have learned those behaviours from his up-bringing as back in the day, as an un-DX’d Autistic person. While I grew up un-DX’d my childhood and family life back then was pretty terrible, insofar as the lengths of what my parents did to ‘control’ me and trying to use ‘conventional’ parenting methods. When those failed, they resorted to measures that were increasingly abusive.

Again, not an excuse, but an explanation. Because ultimately, I still choose the way I act and re-act to things. At the end of the day, I am responsible for my actions.

The drumming of his hands reads to me like stimming, which many Autistic people do to try to relieve anxiety and stress.

The bazillion spreadsheets and counting every penny is a behaviour I share there too. Its a special interest / fixation of mine … to make sure that going forward, I have financial security and can support my kids. I hide money all over the place too. I grew up in poverty and I’m hyper-sensitive there. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

Hitting his head against a wall reads to me again as a potential stimming issue, where he’s not stimming in “safe” ways. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

Insofar as being aware of other’s emotions, while I do have deep empathy once I’m ‘clued in’ to what’s going on, I routinely miss the signs that other people expect me to pick up on. That adds to my social anxiety. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

I do tend to lose track of time, especially when I “get into the zone” or “get into the flow”. Sometimes, I might get some ‘spoons’ with which I have the energy and capacity to sort out a complex problem. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

Even though I’m now separated from my spouse (having to do with things that had nothing to do with my Autism), it wasn’t until I was treated by my ex as an Autistic person that our relationship improved. Certainly getting DX’d was very re-affirming there.

However… again… speaking as an Autistic woman, these are not excuses, but rather are explanations. Ask him to find ways of alleviating his need to stim. There are loads of strategies that can be used there.

Ask him to stop with the language, “verbal abuse”, encourage him to use words that won’t offend others. If he’s truly Autistic, he may have already done the work there … in repeating interactions in his head over and over, trying to get it “right”.

And let him stim, if he needs to stim.

Finally, also recognise that neurodiverse people can be a******s too. Or even worse… there is so much information on the internet about Autistic and ADHD features… I’ve often wondered if abusers take that on in order to continue their abuse. That scenario is horrific because it erodes trust in folks who are honestly Autistic.

All the above… might be an explanation, but not an excuse. At the end of the day, I can still choose my words and how I approach conflict xX.

[TiredZiggy]

Thanks everyone. Yeah I’m looking for an excuse I’m just interested to know because the drumming literally drives us all crazy so does the spreadsheet thing. He’s quite an arrogant person so he’d never get diagnosed. I couldn’t even suggest it to him because that would knock his ego too much. He had his verbal attack (detail removed by Moderator) & has simmered how now, but it’ll happen again. It’s always in this pattern. Thanks everyone.

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