4th February 2016 at 10:38 am #9013
Has anyone got grown up children that have witnessed the abuse though their childhood and as they got older he was abusive to hem as well. This is my case and its hearbreaking and so unjust. My son lives (removed by moderator) away and will not even talk to me about the abuse, My daughter has turned it around to be me as part of the abuse, infact they have both done that.
Mine has been verbally , emotionally abusive for yeas an years and smashing my things, but got a bit more physical the past (removed by moderator) months, and (removed by moderator) ago he hit me in the face, then went out, I text my Daughter in law as I was very shocked and afraid, neither my Son or her have replied or got in touch wit me in anyway.
(Removed by moderator) months ago when things were bad they said that my husband could go to their or stay there but not me.
My son used to be wonderful and we supported each other but he has now become harder like his Dad it seems, I am very isolated and even my Kids wont give me any support at all.
4th February 2016 at 1:32 pm #9020Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs xx
Yes my daughter hasn’t spoken with me for over a year. My son has recently gone the same way. Both are adults and under their dads spell.
I hope in time things will improve. I read about parental alienation, it did explain alot of what they were doing.
4th February 2016 at 1:34 pm #9021SerenityParticipant
The only way of getting out if this spiral of abuse is to leave and go no contact.
Whilst you are with him and experiencing such horrendous abuse, your feelings of confidence and of being human are being chipped away at.
Your grown up children are unable to face up to the truth about him for a number of reasons: fear, obligation and guilt.
No doubt he is playing the victim role, and would have no conscience about telling your children lies about you in your absence. He is making them feel that, as his children, they have an obligation to be in contact and to acquiesce to his dominant ways. And they probably, under it all, feel terrified of what would happen if they stood up to him ( deep in their minds, they are aware of what he is capable of, and they don’t want it directed at them).
Your only hope is to escape, and start living the life you deserve, where you have freedom, peace, respect from others and choice.
Whilst you are still with him, your children can make the excuse to themselves that he can’t be that bad or you would leave him, etc. Whilst you are still with him, the horrible man can still use you as an emotional, psychological and physical punchbag.
What would give your children the strength, eventually, to stand up and face the truth would be seeing you having the courage to leave and say enough is enough, that you are worth more. To start a life afresh, where they can see you happy and treated by someone as you should be. Their dad’s horrible values will look ugly in comparison.
I am not saying it is easy. It is the hardest thing to leave. They make us think we were wrong, we were lacking, that we couldn’t exist without them and would end up with nothing. Also, you need to be careful for your safety, and get advice on how to leave to minimise risk.
The process and aftermath of leaving is not for the faint-hearted. You need to put on your strongest armour. These abusers will spout vitriol, lie, accuse, twist, try to destroy…but with you getting ascmuch advice, help and support that you can, you will come through, and the freedom and joy you will feel on the other side will be worth it. But it takes time. And a journey starts with a small step.
You deserve much more than the hell you are living in. But you have the strength to overcome and achieve a life of freedom.
4th February 2016 at 4:23 pm #9030
Thanks for that falling skys, I am not alone in it then, I will look up parental alienation, My daughter has very much cut us off from our Grandaughters, We only seethem when it suits her an we usd ot care for them when she went bakc ot work, last year saw them for 48 in total all year no totally due to my husband , He has nver been a problem when we ar with the Girls at all.but She is as controlling if not worse than him I cannot speak out about anything and when I donehave my Grandaughters are used like pawns, it heartbreaking xx
4th February 2016 at 4:33 pm #9032
Thanks Serenity, I am in a very hard position as I suffer from agoraphobia and monophobia a dread of being alone and am dependant on him so cant just leave, its it is hard enough without these diabilities forryou all, I have emotionally left him after the past (removed by moderator), thats hard as I feel I want a hug ans soem kindness but i know it would all be false unitl the next time, but he knows how I am feeling towards him, he wont just worm his way back in this time but I feel so so lonely, but trying to stand my ground thanks for your response. x
4th February 2016 at 3:15 pm #9026AyannaParticipant
Hi godschild, that is absolutely awful. You could actually call the police on them. Make sure they are out of your life. Do you need violent children? What for? Even though you are their mother.
Many children abuse their parents. It is a crime and should be treated as such, mercilessly.
Think of yourself. Become selfish, please!
You need to build your life in a way that you do not need help from anyone.
I have an adopted son who tried to rape me. That is already very long ago, before I knew my abusive ex. Since then there is no contact. I have never ever spoken to him again. I threw him out on the street and made him homeless. I was very hard on him and did not care after that.
I know that he is fine now, but he had a very hard time for several years. I do not feel sorry for him.
Please, talk at least to social services if you do not want to speak to the police. xxxx
5th February 2016 at 12:46 am #9065SaharaDParticipant
I simply ask to try to view it from your children’s perspective. Have you read Living with the Dominator and the effects of abuse on children?
Maybe they can’t have contact with you because you trigger deep and painful emotions and memories from growing up in an abusive household.
My father abused all of us and for a long time I was cross at my mother for not leaving. They are still together but I still sometimes see my mother as the enabler.
Even though I’m in my (removed by moderator), I feel like I revert to to age 13 when having to deal with my parents…so i avoid them as much as possible.
5th February 2016 at 10:14 am #9073
Thankyou for that insight, you are a similar age to my Daughter , I havn’t read what you refer to. I also grew up with an abusive father but I never neglected my mom, I often took her away form the situation and always supported her, I couldn’t have done otherwise to be honest.
A Lady who used to live near me also was abused an her husband punched her Girls in the stomach etc, yet thy are fully supportive of their Mom now as well.
My Daughter refused t see her Dad fr over two years at one stage,
My Daughter tells me she has no respect for me and that I don’t deserve any respect as I didn’t leave him , I suffer from agoraphobia and it would have been immposible to look after them by myself.
Yet on the other hand she has joined forces with her Dad now and tells him that she wonder why he stays with me, this doesn’t make any sense at all.
Also she has taken what she wants form both of us , we cared for Grandaughter for (removed by moderator) when she went back to work , for two days a week, then the younger one for (removed by moderator), she has shown no respect to either of us and takes everything she can from us.
Im fairly new on here, so not familiar with your story, have you had an abusive relationship yourself and if you have do you understand your Mom any better
6th March 2016 at 2:17 pm #11037
Has anyone else not had a card from grown up children today. Ive had stomach virus or food poisening for a few days and feeling very very low and dreaded today as my Daughter ignored me last mothers day and has done the same this year.
Hadnt heard from my Son and wife for 3 months since the night I texted back in December when alone and afraid after being hit for the first time, then after my Husband had spoken with my Daughter in Law got a text asking to met up with us both to catch up as though nothing had happened, I replied by E Mail to them and said I was in a very fragile state emotionally and that I wouldnt meet up all together and also expressed my hurt at them ignoring me for 3 months, no respsonse at all to that.
Yet my son spoke to his Dad on phone last week then my son sent him a text saying good to talk to you Dad ,love then his name, he hasnt put love on any of the few texts he has sent me for the past few years.
They eventually dropped a few items we needed in the cuboard outside last night as we have been ill and the were 2 bunches of daffodils, no message and today no text for me but DAD got one saying they hoped we would we better soon, no mention of mothers day but when my husband sent reply he said I was struggling due to mothers day and a reply came to say daffodils were for me, they know how much a card means to me and a text to acknowledge mothers day , yet I am totally ignored and treated like a leaper
My Son used to be lovley caring and had had abuse from his Dad, yet now its me that gets excluded from texts and no repsonse to my E Mail because it told the truth of how I was hurt and the fact I could no longer overide the abuse that was going on and meet up as though all was ok.
I feel so low with aftr effect of bug and so neglected as a Mom, I feel worthless to my children, they have no regard for me because I couldnt leave him due to disabilities, I know I have been a good Mom to them the best I could be anyone else struggling today with mothers day.
6th March 2016 at 3:16 pm #11038KIP.Participant
Hello godschild, are you receiving counselling? Have you considered that your husband is causing many of your illnesses? I’ve had no card from my son but I don’t need a card from him to validate me. I know I’ve been a good mum and did my best and I cannot rely on other people’s behaviour to make me happy. My ex was arrested and removed from my home and soon after he funded a flat for my son to move into. Deliberately leaving me vulnerable on my own. I don’t hold this against my son. It was his decision and nothing I could have said would have changed his mind. He’s going to have to come to terms with his behaviour in his own time. What I’m trying to say is ignore your children and expect nothing. Then when they do something positive, it will be nice. I think the daffodils were a peace offering and I’d be super pleased to receive them. My son doesn’t want involved in his parents arguments so I do not involve him. Unlike his Dad, but my son is fed up with his dad nipping his ear. Rise above it all. Please contact your local Women’s Aid. They are great. Happy Mothers Day and keep posting❤️
6th March 2016 at 3:58 pm #11039
I have an hour per week with WA via telephone as I cant get out alone, I have been waiting since the beginning of Feb for an appointment with community mental health team and after much perseverance at last I have a CPN coming on monday week, not go much faith in them as ive suffered disabilities for decades and not received much help at all.
I do know the abuse has really aggravated my conditions.
I am pretty sure my Daughter in Law would have picked up the daffs whilst getting the few bits of shopping we needed.
Its not just today, My son sites me as being part of the abuse problem despite suferring from his Dad himself and witnessing it through childhood, I dont involve him wherever I can. Its so hard that he will commnicate with his dad but not me, thanks for your reply KIP, its not really validation I needed today but to know that he loves me an cares. He never used to be like this, used to make such a fuss of me on mothers day
6th March 2016 at 4:31 pm #11040katieloveParticipant
I did not receive anything from my adult children. My ex (abuser) is not their dad and they did not live at home when the abuse was going on. My son tried to call this afternoon but I am so upset I have ignored his call. My daughter told me that I should not be upset – I was angry: how dare they dictate whether I can feel disappointment or not. And to top it off, my mum yet again let me down by choosing to see other family; I arrived at her house to find out that she had gone out to somewhere I had asked her to go yesterday and her response had been – I never go there at the weekend – I have spent the day in tears. Is this day a trigger do you think?
I, like you, feel let down by the people I have dedicated my life to and who should care about me.
6th March 2016 at 5:52 pm #11041
Sending you a hug katielove from one hurt Mom to another. People are too fond of telling us us how we should feel, you are understandably upset, this is one day a year to honour yuor mom and express thanks for all she has done for you and you clearly wated to honour your own mom as well and she has let you down, I feel when we are abused we must have a lable on us that so many others diregard us.
Even my husband ( abuser ) has text my son and daughter to say he cant understand why they cant send me a simple card or text and he is very hard hearted towards me.
My mom is long gone now, but she wasnt always all she should have been to me but I honoured her on mothers day and really made an effort. One year my mom had walked out on me as she did sometimes when I voiced my own opinion that did not suit her , yet I still got flowers and from her Grandchildren and when I took them to her she had gone to my brothers in a differant part of the country and hadnt even said.
This day is a trigger as when our childern let us down and dissapoint us by not bothering with us , it makes you feel the same worthlessness that abuse does. xxxxxxxx
6th March 2016 at 7:07 pm #11042
So glad you posted for support, this is a very painful part of the abuse, the subtle alienation of the abuser between us and our children (our loved ones).
I can relate. I have awareness around the dynamic, set up by the abuser because I have lived it, have suffered it as you are now.
Serenity is right, you have to eventually go No Contact with him if you want to save your relationships with your grown children. That is your long-term aim. Don’t worry about your dependence on him etc. Keep posting and sharing and you will get the strength to leave.
Then when you’re left your relationships with your children will improve. They will see the truth of who you are, the lovely person and good mother you are. He will lose his power over your ‘relationship between you and your children’. His subtle undermining of you, criticisms of you, twisting things about you, the painting of you in a bad light, the ‘pretending’ to care about you to them while sticking a dagger in you (example: texting your son and daughter to say he can’t understand why they cant send you a simple card or text and then hitting you, etc).
Know that your abuser has feigned that he is concerned that their is a rift between you and your children. He ‘pretends’ to care yet he CAUSED it, by his covert, subtle back-stabbing of you to them). Our abusers get a ‘high’ from our distress and upset. What better way for him to get his ‘fix’ of feeling good because you are feeling bad. He is manipulating things behind the scenes, all very underhand and calculating. He knows what he is doing. Your adult children are not aware that they are being manipulated by their father. Like any bully, he is turning your children against you.
I see my bully boss doing at work about her victims. She acts like a sheep (all subtle undermining and criticisms of her victims, cloaked and dressed up as praise) but it has the affect of turning other work colleagues against her victims who she wants to bully. So not only is my boss bullying her ‘victims’ but now she has ‘set it up’, she can relax as the other work colleagues turn against against victims. She can sit back and relax as her bullying is carried out for her by others and she can enjoy the fruits of her labour, the distress, the upset, the hurt, the feeling of worthlessness, the unmanageable working day, the exclusion of her victims. And she can laugh. This is a great game. Because it is a game to them.
6th March 2016 at 7:39 pm #11043
Had to submit that post then because I was afraid I may lose it.
I’ll share a little bit of my experience with you. My relationship with my 2 grown children and 2 younger ones is very normal and good now. Btw, I didn’t receive any cards, nor flowers or presents. They are with their dad today, he orchestrated another celebration for them today that they have to attend to, which meant they suggested celebrating mother’s Day for me next week. I managed to orchestrate to take the 2 teenagers for a walk today for an hour where I treated them!!
Anyway, before I separated (went No Contact) from their abuser dad, my relationship with my just adult children was very poor. My older child was being confided in by her dad that he wanted to separate even before I knew. He was grooming her to side with him. She was really sarcastic towards me and had no respect for me. She saw her abuser dad as King of the Castle (which he acted like.. God’s gift..) and she viewed me as worthless, lacking etc. Yet the reality was the opposite, he was lazy, irresponsible , reckless with money, a drinker etc. Anything we had, nice house, private schools were down to me. But he had primed them from birth in that they would think him learned and capable. One example,He did this by filling our house with learned, intellectually challenging books yet he never read any of them!! But when people came to our house they believed ‘the image he portrayed’. Basically he knew how to sell himself to his children (aided by his family who supported his grandiosity and arrogance). Then simultaneously as he built his ‘grand image’ he undermined me to my children (yes from birth, one day at a time, all their lives). Unfortunately, his contemptuous attitude was ‘caught’ by my children towards me. He had in fact ‘brainwashed’ them in their attitude towards me. He was a ‘master manipulator’.
However, I am a great believer in the POWER of the truth and THE POWER of goodness. My children although they had been reared on this deception orchestrated by my abuser and his family, could not ignore the truth of who I was and all the loving, self-sacrificing things I had done as a mother.
And deep down, they have witnessed and lived through one day at a time his hostility, his angry tones, his impatience of them, his abuse of me (although they do think if I hadn’t have done this or that he wouldn’t have to get so mad).
So now with No Contact they can see more clearly and his tactics to do with me don’t have the same power so our relationships have gone from strength to strength. I know if I hadn’t have gone No Contact with my abuser, he would have succeeded in completely destroying the ‘relationship between at least 2 of my children and I’).
Not all children side with the abuser. My abuser mum used to try to manipulate me against my abuser dad. Her tactics did not work. I remember her trying but as a child I always saw the truth of who he was so clearly so it never worked on me. But the major consequence for me was because I didn’t side with her she abused me badly. However my brother did side with my abuser mum against my dad even though he knew the goodness of my dad. But I’d say fear made him do it. Children will do anything to survive. My dad is now dead and I have peace of mind in that I never sided with the abuser. My brother has to live with the consequences of his actions and choices out of his fear, that he ended up treating my dad badly in unison with the abuser mum.
There are no winners in an abusive home. Everyone gets affected badly and does things they wish they hadn’t done. Abuse is cunning, baffling and powerful. Thank God for this Forum, to keep us aware.
6th March 2016 at 8:15 pm #11044
Also, now that I’m no longer the primary (drug) in my ex husband’s addiction to power and control, he had to find another drug (victim). He unfortunately didn’t choose another woman (lucky for the other woman) but has turned his attentions to our just-adult daughter. Due to his abuse of her, her mind, emotions and life are a mess. Her physical and emotional health are deteriorating by the day, due to the escalation of his abuse (he needs his regular ‘fix’ of power and control) towards her. When he sees her weakened by his abuse on all levels (her relationships, her exams, everything is suffering because of his abuse of her) he feels POWERFUL. In his addiction to Power and Control he is prepared to sacrifice his own beautiful, young daughter. Anyway, a chance has come for her to go abroad for a year with her studies so hopefully that will be her escape from the abusive relationship for her.
Anyway I tell you this in that, since he has turned his full attentions to her (she was always his secondary victim of his abuse, since her birth, I was the first) her relationship with her siblings has considerably worsened since the escalation of his abuse towards her.
Her siblings (my children) who once sided with him against me, are now fine with me (as he can’t make contact with me to abuse me), but they side with him against her.
The abuser’s mother (who lives abroad) has rung the older sibling complaining about ‘my abused daughter) and saying what a hard time abuser dad is getting from ‘the abused’. Victim -blaming is going on by abuser’s family and now ‘my daughter who is being abused’ is being given out to by her siblings for ‘upsetting’ abuser dad, thus a rift is starting to form between my abused daughter and her siblings. He pretends ‘concern’ too, for her, to his family, to his children and others for ‘the state she is’ yet he is the one behind the scenes causing it!!! Exactly the dynamic between you are your grown children (all caused by your abuser).
Unfortunately my abused daughter is still blaming herself for his abuse. But I can see the pattern emerging again. The relationship between my daughter and her siblings is worsening due to the abuser. And none of them can see it as he has the Power and Control in this situation.
No one can see it but me.
Hope my experiences help.
6th March 2016 at 10:01 pm #11048
Thankyou so much for taking time to write so much detail for me , lover of no contact, it helps me see what havoc the decades of abuse have done to the whole family and ive become the baddy to them all now.
The last few days he has hooked me back into him as ive been really unwell with this stomach bug, he has appeared nice and caring but he was the same last year when I was ill then after a few days he was so cruel to me.
I have felt so unwell and in need of care that I have softened my reserve towards him and have just so wanted him to change.
Earlier (detail removed by moderator) he had phoned my son, away from my earshot but came back to say that he had told my Son that I had changed and was wanting to do a lot of things for myself and had cut him out of many things, he said my son seemed to understand him !, so actually he has talked my son around to feel sorry for him, after the call my son sent him this text saying good to speak to you Dad, Love *****, I felt this was to hurt me, as my son is ignoring me.
Being unwell has dragged me right back down .
My husband has kept saying to me that ive really changed and there is something wrong with me, he says he cant understand it that Ive just cut him off in many ways, its because following so much verbal abuse and then being hit for the first time over christmas, I came ot my end with it all.
Just need the strength to pick up form this bug and get back to where I was, all three of my family him and the two children have put me in a position of being alone alone with them all against me and it never used to be this way, they saw him for how he was, but he always goes against me and twists things as you said.
So why now have I have been drawn back in to needing him and just hoping he will change, how weak am I for being like this, he is nicer I get drawn back in, thanks again need to keep being guided in the right direction, had to miss my appointment with my WA helper due to being so unwell this week so ive been isolated with him again.
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