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    • #126580
      Put the kettle on

      I’m so confused, i keep getting told how great the ex is now and my experiences are questioned/doubted, i feel crazy. Now he’s apparently not violent which is good if true but then it makes me feel bad about myself. Recently something happened and I thought people would see what I see, what I experienced but they don’t and i feel so frustrated. Is there something wrong with me for feeling frustrated I’m not believed? Now he’s got a new relationship which is going so well and I feel there’s something wrong with me if he can move on so seamlessly and I’m just a mess.

    • #126590
      Grey Rock

      You know he hasn’t changed, that’s the important thing. No doubt he played the Mr Wonderful act with you when you were first together too, and probably any previous po artners. It’s how we get hooked in. Waiting for that Mr Wonderful to re-emerge. But it’s just a facade. An unsustainable act. They’ll always fool some people. I’ve had to distance myself from some of my ex’s flying monkeys myself. I was angry with them for a while, but nowadays I’m not surprised or angry. After all, I fell for the act myself and believed all kinds of crazy lies. Just hold on to your own truth. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lived in this kind of relationship can truly appreciate the insanitary of it to be honest. I’m just grateful for this forum and other resources like it.
      Stay strong.

      • #126619
        Put the kettle on

        Thanks for your reply.
        I don’t think he’s changed as i see the behaviour still but it’s others telling me he has. Abusers are very manipulative people though.

    • #126625


      I really hate to say this, but the day these men change is the day I wake up and discover that I am a 5ft 10inch international super model, it is not going to happen, they cannot change and I am in reality (detail removed by moderator) on a good day.
      Flippant yes? true yes?!!!

      Take care of you, beachhutXx

    • #126633

      I totally get this! This happens a lot to me, people don’t see what you see, why would they that’s why our abusers are so good at what they do. It’s hard for other people to truly understand what we’ve been through if they’ve never been through something similar. Just don’t let other people make you believe your truth isn’t real, that’s what I keep having to tell myself. It doesn’t matter what other people believe, the abuser is literally manipulating everyone around them to make them believe they are this amazing person that they are not. What matters is you know the truth and don’t let that falter! Easier said then done I know

    • #126639

      Hi Put the kettle on,

      Grey Rock took the words right out of my mouth. You’re not crazy, there’s nothing wrong with you.

      Sadly, there are just those who will shelve the truth. They may know the truth deep down but its unsavoury and they’d prefer to Bury their heads in the sand, especially if your ex is charismatic. Most of us would rather see the best in people. Life is more pleasant that way.

      He is not violent with his new partner – not yet anyway. He hadn’t had chance to secure her in his net yet. Sadly, he will become violent. Its just a matter of time.

      Try to leave him behind and ditch those who are telling you he’s changed. He’s using them as flying monkeys and although they not be aware that’s what they are, he is very aware. That makes them dangerous!

      Hang on to your truth. It will come out sooner or later. You know what he did and what he is like. You need to look out for you now and disassociate from all those who think he has changed.

    • #126674
      Put the kettle on

      Thank you for your replies. I have very few friends and they don’t understand what it’s like so i appreciate you taking the time to respond.

    • #128068

      Hi Put the kettle on

      I hope things are moving on a bit better?

      It’s always difficult if you move in the same circles. For some reason friends like to keep us updated on the ex. I don’t think it’s malicious, just thoughtless. I dealt with it by reminding them that he’s an ex so find something else to talk about.

      It’s surprising when friends stay friendly with someone they know has behaved badly. Your friends accept he was violent with you but ‘isn’t any more’ so that’s alright then. They believe you, which is good, because often they don’t.

      Now they want to believe he’s changed while you’re determined to prove he hasn’t. No doubt you’re right and he’ll revert to type before long. Thank your lucky stars he’s moved on. Pity the new woman, you know what’s coming. You were her once. If an ex had told you about the violence you’d have written her off as a crazy. The only one getting hurt right now is you.

    • #128116
      ladiesand gentlemen

      He hasn’t changed, he is just doing what they do, charming at first,heplful,cant do enough for you etc etc
      AS time goes on his new partner and everyone else ,will see what you know to be true !!!
      Mine was utterly charming at first, then slowly over the years it started, the neglect,critisism,negative comments, being ignored unless they want something !!! Total disregard for your feelings, dreams or desires
      Just remember you will feel better, and it is defiantly not YOUR fault
      Stay strong
      Take care xx

    • #129354
      Put the kettle on

      Thanks for your replies.

      I know he hasn’t changed, I’ve seen the proof. It’s my own frustrations at others not seeing it.

    • #129360

      When his new love interest starts to say the same as you, some will start to wonder. Others will still refuse to see the abuse even if they witness it with their own eyes.

      It’s not worth your frustration. Cut them out if your life. If they don’t have enough faith in you to believe you, they are not worthy of you. xx

      • #129372

        I would also say that their inability to see what’s happening is a reflection of them, not you. They are driven by their own biases, issues, motivations and self protection. For example, I am convinced that one reason people are so ignorant about abuse is that it’s much easier for them to dismiss it as something that happens to or is perpetrated by certain types of people. That way they can live in the belief that it’s not something that will affect them or their friends/family and they don’t need to worry about it. They don’t want to admit that they completely misjudged somebody, because that opens up the possibility that they could be a victim.

        The fact that they are not willing to question their viewpoint is a big limitation on their ability to be a supportive, empathetic friend and is probably much more wide reaching than their viewpoint on domestic abuse. They are too preoccupied with their own perspective to be a good friend. Sadly in my experience it often takes big issues like this for it to be obvious that certain people are like this. They may be generally well meaning, nice people, but their personal blind spots get in the way. xxxx

    • #129576
      Living Warrior

      You will find that to everyone else these people are the best thing since sliced bread…. thats because they twist the truth to fit their objectives.. they have years of experience with lying and have no conscience.
      Everyone gets sucked in by their lies, as only people who question their motives or antics are shown their real colours.

      You are not losing your mind, u know the real person… he just wears masks around others x*x

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