10th August 2019 at 9:41 pm #85468
I was so excited and so ready for change, but now I’m frightened. I applied to university for all the right reasons; better support, better education, hopefully a better future for me and my children. I figured it would be ideal. My son isn’t with me full time; my parents are his legal guardians due to a bad DA relationship I previously had. They’ve always been supportive of me having as much involvement in his life as possible. When I first told my mam about wanting to go to university, she disagreed with me and said it would be at my sons “detriment” but I explained it to my dad who then explained it to my mam and she changed her mind. Or so I thought. However my dads been telling me that if I am going to go to university, I need to make sure it doesn’t affect him or my sister negatively as apparently my m**s been giving them “hell”. He understands I want to better myself for my son and our future, but he’s insisted that I “can’t make this worse” and began talking about the way my mam treats us all – how she’ll just use this as another reason to treat us badly as she wants a full time job and if I go to university she can’t get one. She’s the kind of person to call me a name in front of my children, and when I’ve told her not to name-call, especially in front of my children, she then mouths “shut up” across the room. She reminds me of my abusive ex when she does that; he would mouth threats too. This is triggering my PTSD; I had another son who passed away when I was at work, I’m afraid that if I go to university something awful will happen to my living son.
10th August 2019 at 11:32 pm #85476HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Is there a possibility to go through with your application regardless of your mothers caprices?
My suggestion would be to absolutely keep going, this is what you wish to do, you would still be exited if it wasn’t for her trying to sabotage your application.
It shows you are gaining power and independence, it doesn’t sit well with her, showing clearly this is exactly what needs to be done, to get away from her, get your education and independence.
Go through with it, find a way to get independent right now and start studying this autumn, I think you received some advice how to do that on another post.
About your ptsd, pls seek treatment if you haven’t already, your health is very important and it will help you deal with your triggers. I’d be upset too if someone would mouth me to shut up. It’s absolutely disrespectful behaviour and you deserve so much better.
Try to breathe deeply and calmly, there will be a solution for this, keep steady.
Sending you a hug, Good night 💕😴
11th August 2019 at 7:48 am #85490
It’s just the way my dad keeps telling that that I “can’t make this any worse” – I know that me taking these steps will cause huge backlash for him and my sister as they’re who live with her, when she’s not happy when me, she has a go at them. I don’t want to make life worse for them.
11th August 2019 at 8:07 am #85491KIP.Participant
This is how a bully and manipulator works. It’s sad but it really doesn’t matter what you do, she is going to carry on with her bullying behaviour. If you don’t go to uni she will say you’re not trying to better yourself, if you do go to uni she will accuse you of something else. It’s just how they work. They simply change the goal posts. My therapist told me I married my mother. I believe there’s truth in that. You cannot change your life to try to protect your father and sister. It’s because you all change your ways that your mother continues her behaviour. I know the anxiety about leaving your child and I’m so sorry for your loss. Have you tried cognitive behaviour therapy. There’s a good book called Mind over Mood. Try to get some therapy. I think your mother will simply carry on being abusive no matter what you do but university and education is your way out of it. Good job prospects. Meeting new people. Opening up your life experience. Try to at least follow through with the process. If it becomes too much you can always pull out. There is so much help also available to students for mental health now. You have to have dreams x
11th August 2019 at 8:24 am #85493
Thank you for the responses and the advice. I’m currently getting EMDR therapy so hoping that will help, early days at the moment though. I just don’t understand how wanting to work for something for me and my son could make things worse, but I’m so worried it will somehow. I moved something in their house the other day as it was in the way and I was accused of “overstepping” because I moved this object. When she’s in a bad mood, everything’s an issue. My dad stood up to her once about how she talks to us all and she just stormed out of the house
11th August 2019 at 12:13 pm #85501blue eyesParticipant
If you want to go to University, then you go. Take no notice of your mother. I was in exactly the same position as you all those years ago. My mother didn’t want me to go for her own selfish reasons and I put off going for three years. I went to university eventually and it was brilliant. It will be the making of you. You will meet lots of different people and you will gain confidence. Hang on to your own truth and dreams don’t let your mother dissuade you or knock your confidence. Don’t discuss it with her just carry on making your plans. Your sister and your father just want an easy life and no aggro from your mother. This is not fair you are allowed and entitled to do what makes you happy. Imagine being free of your mother how wonderful does that sound? Sometimes there is an element of jealousy with narc mothers.Maybe she is envious that you have the courage to do something exciting with your life, maybe she would have liked to do this but was scared. Maybe there is something missing in her life and she needs to have the control and power over you to make her feel better. It is wrong she shouldn’t stand in your way. You had the courage to escape one abuser- use that courage again. x
11th August 2019 at 1:58 pm #85512
That’s exactly how I keep thinking; court told me I need to keep doing what I’m doing and keep improving; I need to sustain the changes I’ve made and keep myself safe. I want to keep bettering myself and I know that one day I’ll be able to take over completely in the care of my child. I also know I need to be around people again; how can I prove my choices in men have changed if I’m isolated in my house all the time and never around new people? I have no friends, a like-minded friend would be nice. I need the financial support as well as Universal Credit is sending me into poverty fast.. I don’t want my mam controlling my progression. I want to make my child proud
11th August 2019 at 6:02 pm #85513[email protected]Participant
SD if you were my daughter I’d be very proud of you for having so much aspiration and ambition.Despite everything you’ve been through look how strong you are wanting to plough on ahead. Your mum needs to realise you’ll be earning more money getting a uni grant than being on UC. She very much wants to keep control off everyone including your little boy. As long as you can divide your time up between study and your boy your doing what’s best for you both. I’d apply and see what happens. I think once you see your new future you’ll fight for that custody and get it no problem XX you deserve a good life keep going I think your so inspiring 🌈 love 💕 diymum XX
11th August 2019 at 8:42 pm #85526lover of no contactParticipant
I think you’re so inspiring too SweetD. Onwards and upwards! You’re concentrating on the things you can change. You can’t control the decisions of the court and custody. But you can show them how you’re healing and moving forward and as you say the plan is to get back the custody of your children from your mam and your ex.
‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can…and the Wisdom to know the difference’….. Serenity Prayer
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.