Are jokes that hurt abuse?

[Treesilhouette]

Are jokes that hurt abuse?

Over the last year my oh has done the following in a jokey way each time:

1) Held (object removed by Moderator) onto me after making tea

2) Thrown (object removed by Moderator) straight at my face repeatedly each though I said ‘Ow that hurts.’

3) Dropped a (object removed by Moderator) on my head to make the children laugh. He claimed it was just a b***k but it hurt.

4) I was playfully jabbing his (object removed by Moderator) while he was reading (website name removed by Moderator) and he leaned over and bit me as a joke but it left a bruise in the shape of the bite mark.

5) Occasionally he has pinched me but not hard.

I know when I write it out it sounds bad but it’s always done in a really jokey way: almost like goofing around. Not in anger.  So sometimes I feel like I’m just being a bit ridiculous and over sensitive.

He has broken things in anger in the past but when I told some people about it and they became involved that had stopped. Nothing has been broken in last year.

[Better-days]

Hi I hope ur ok my partner does and says things similar and will say it’s a joke ect and I can’t take a joke… I think it’s unacceptable and a joke is to make you laugh.. I hope ur ok xx

[Lemons53]

I think so.

My husband throws empty bottle and lids at me all the time saying it’s a joke. I don’t find it funny. I hope you ok.

[Bananaboat]

It can be yes, especially if you don’t find it funny and he carries on, then he says things like you can’t take a joke. My ex would do most of things on your list especially the (object removed by Moderator) as if that was a sign of affection. I think Lundy Bancroft covers jokes that aren’t jokes it in his book from memory. But like everything in abuse it’s about denying your self esteem and asserting their control.

[Treesilhouette]

Yes. I have made it clear I don’t like to be hurt and he has said I don’t like his sense of humour…. Although this was because  of the following: if I ever go to meet friends by myself in an evening or go to the gym he jokes to the kids that I’m off gallivanting. I asked him to stop saying that because I don’t think it’s fair. He is welcome to come meet my friends as my parents have offered to babysit but he chooses not to.

[Treesilhouette]

Also he hasn’t apologised.

[Firsttimedivorcee]

I guess my question would be, is he laughing or are you? If no one is laughing, it’s not funny. Would you do things like what he has as a joke? I understand what you’re saying. There are times where I get told it was just a joke. And things aren’t as bad as I had thought they were. But look at this from the pov of an outsider. What if it was your child going through what you are or a family member. Would you say it’s an overreaction or valid?

[Treesilhouette]

I would be concerned if someone I knew was bitten. Yes. And no I don’t think it’s funny. Sometimes I laugh when I’m nervous though…. Self preservation.

[Workinvictim]

Hi so sorry to hear what you are experiencing,  and from my experience I believe this is abuse,  my ex husband did all above and said the same thing that it was a joke or would say he is trying to toughened me up because I was too soft , the pinch and jabs start soft but then started getting harder to the point I had multiple bruises,  he would apologise when he see the bruises but never actually stop , I now realise this was just a way of him trying to normalise abuse, on a few occasions I try pinching or returning jabs when he says its a joke,  but he soon turn this around to always assert he is more stronger than me, please stay safe, and don’t ignore the red flags also xx

[Lily30]

Reading your post i forgot how mine would “jokingly” pinch me twist my toes slap

me on my back throw something at me last time he wacked his (object removed by Moderator) straight on my face i made a big deal then as i had learnt so much about abuse. Back then i was so naive unaware i really thought this is his way of joking but now i realise how much he mustv hated me and the spite he had for me to hit me and yes i class this as hitting because it hurt me and i would tell him it hurts and he would still doit? I would never do that to someone i loved and its actually so bizarre i would always imagine my sisters or friends in same scenario and i would feel sad so why did i accept it for myself?

(removed by Moderator)

[bov94]

Hi Trees,

I am sorry to hear about your experience. In my opinion, yes this behaviour is abusive. Would you treat anyone else that way?

My ex used ‘jokes’ and nicknames that I didn’t like that were offensive (picking up on my physical insecurities) which I realise on reflection were part of the abuse. I found none of it funny and when I stood up to him he would gas-light me “come on you love it really” “you’re being too sensitive”.

What’s positive is that you’ve recognised the behaviour is not right, I really feel that is a big thing while still in the relationship. I was completely in denial until after we split.

[Treesilhouette]

Thank you. It’s helpful to hear other people’s views. I find it hard to know what to do. Trying to be more assertive. I tried talking with a few friends earlier in the year but I think people find it too much and don’t know what to say/do.

[Put the kettle on]

Mine would call me names, put me down, lots of hurtful comments and when I said I didn’t like it or it upset me he’d say it was a joke, I was too sensitive and if I stood up for myself further he’d just flip out. So I believe if both of you don’t consider it a joke and it’s a repetitive pattern then it’s absolutely abusive

[Littlelemon1234]

I have a similar experience, I’m often told I’m too serious and I can’t take a joke either. Similarly, all these ‘jokes’ are at my own expense. It’s a way to put us down 🙁

hope you’re okay

[StrongLife]

Yes – I heard – ‘ I was just joking’after some garbage he used to do. I found these jokes offensive like I had not right to say anything because it was meant as a joke. It was not funny and happened often

It was verbal initially the went to physical abuse later. This was highly common.

[Author]

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