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Are jokes that hurt abuse?
Over the last year my oh has done the following in a jokey way each time:
1) Held (object removed by Moderator) onto me after making tea
2) Thrown (object removed by Moderator) straight at my face repeatedly each though I said ‘Ow that hurts.’
3) Dropped a (object removed by Moderator) on my head to make the children laugh. He claimed it was just a b***k but it hurt.
4) I was playfully jabbing his (object removed by Moderator) while he was reading (website name removed by Moderator) and he leaned over and bit me as a joke but it left a bruise in the shape of the bite mark.
5) Occasionally he has pinched me but not hard.
I know when I write it out it sounds bad but it’s always done in a really jokey way: almost like goofing around. Not in anger. So sometimes I feel like I’m just being a bit ridiculous and over sensitive.
He has broken things in anger in the past but when I told some people about it and they became involved that had stopped. Nothing has been broken in last year.
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It can be yes, especially if you don’t find it funny and he carries on, then he says things like you can’t take a joke. My ex would do most of things on your list especially the (object removed by Moderator) as if that was a sign of affection. I think Lundy Bancroft covers jokes that aren’t jokes it in his book from memory. But like everything in abuse it’s about denying your self esteem and asserting their control.
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Yes. I have made it clear I don’t like to be hurt and he has said I don’t like his sense of humour…. Although this was because of the following: if I ever go to meet friends by myself in an evening or go to the gym he jokes to the kids that I’m off gallivanting. I asked him to stop saying that because I don’t think it’s fair. He is welcome to come meet my friends as my parents have offered to babysit but he chooses not to.
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I guess my question would be, is he laughing or are you? If no one is laughing, it’s not funny. Would you do things like what he has as a joke? I understand what you’re saying. There are times where I get told it was just a joke. And things aren’t as bad as I had thought they were. But look at this from the pov of an outsider. What if it was your child going through what you are or a family member. Would you say it’s an overreaction or valid?
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Hi so sorry to hear what you are experiencing, and from my experience I believe this is abuse, my ex husband did all above and said the same thing that it was a joke or would say he is trying to toughened me up because I was too soft , the pinch and jabs start soft but then started getting harder to the point I had multiple bruises, he would apologise when he see the bruises but never actually stop , I now realise this was just a way of him trying to normalise abuse, on a few occasions I try pinching or returning jabs when he says its a joke, but he soon turn this around to always assert he is more stronger than me, please stay safe, and don’t ignore the red flags also xx
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Hi Trees,
I am sorry to hear about your experience. In my opinion, yes this behaviour is abusive. Would you treat anyone else that way?
My ex used ‘jokes’ and nicknames that I didn’t like that were offensive (picking up on my physical insecurities) which I realise on reflection were part of the abuse. I found none of it funny and when I stood up to him he would gas-light me “come on you love it really” “you’re being too sensitive”.
What’s positive is that you’ve recognised the behaviour is not right, I really feel that is a big thing while still in the relationship. I was completely in denial until after we split.
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