Tagged: 

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #34428
      Hollapops-
      Participant

      Hi all, I’m new to the forum and would really like some comfort. I spent (detail removed by Moderator) with a guy who was initially very charming, enthusiastic and attentive..wanting to see me all the time, posting pictures of me and us all over social media, getting me to meet all his friends etc (lovebombing?), he was very interested in my past which had been difficult and he seemed understanding and caring about my sensitivities.I was a little dubious at fist as he had been single for (detail removed by Moderator) and as he was in his late (detail removed by Moderator) i did worry about this; however his business had come first and i admired that part of his personality. When I began to gather feelings for him, small insecurities would come out and gradually he really started to play on these. He started calling me names (in a ‘jokey’ way..) and when i told him to stop, he would say ‘you’re too sensitive’, ‘grow a backbone’ and when i reacted to this he would get annoyed and say ‘learn to take criticism, you cant be in cotton wall all your life’. He also created a timetable of when we could see each other and if i wanted to change this he would get annoyed at me and call me ‘needy and controlling’. If I had a minor mood change, he would call this a ‘meltdown’ and I would often put his behaviour down to inexperience (not being in a relationship etc) and sometimes tell him this but he just said i was in denial about my own ‘wrong ways’. I actually consider myself as a strong, independent person; however over the time we were together his criticisms became so unrealistic that i began questioning my sanity, to the point where i ended up in hospital being assessed and have now got a label of a Personality Disorder. This has been difficult to accept, especially when i think about the circumstances to how i got here. He broke up with me a (detail removed by Moderator) ago because ‘he wanted his time back’, plus I had started to say that i was unhappy and maybe wanting to leave (I stayed because I thought it was me that had to change and also attachment issues). I accept this situation and I am grateful as it wasn’t a happy partnership. However I’m now left with these horrible feelings of self-doubt, am I too sensitive? Was I imagining his behaviour? I am in no doubt that he now tells people I was ‘crazy’ and I just wish people knew what he was doing to me as everyone thinks he is so charming. I guess i’m angry but also don’t really know who i am anymore? Has anyone else felt like this and been painted as ‘crazy’. Do people ever realise that it was the boyfriend that was in the wrong?

    • #34436
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Hollapops,

      All the things which you describe him as doing are highly abusive. They fit the pattern of a perpetrator, and I am sure every woman here would agree.

      Abuse affects our mental health ; and if the abuse is emotional or psychological, we begin to doubt ourselves and this makes us unravel even more, especially when our abuser ‘gaslights’ and tells us we are imagining things or exaggerating. The truth is that they are overstepping normal, respectful boundaries and are being abusive.

      Many women here have suffered from mental health issues following. Many of us have been diagnosed with PTSD. I would look into this if I were you: you might recognise some of the symptoms. I have read that post-abuse, many vi times appear to show a personality disorder- such as BPD or histrionic personality disorder- when in fact they are merely traumatised.

      Hugs X

      • #34448
        Hollapops-
        Participant

        Thank you, I replied below as wasn’t sure how the replies work. I’ve since received a few more replies and i’m ever so grateful. Support is a huge comfort and i’m very thankful x

    • #34438
      Suntree
      Participant

      Nope you are not too sensitive.

      Anyone who uses that argument is because they have no justification for their own behavior and it is easy to throw self doubt onto someone else and smoke screen and mirrors.

      Women are conditioned not to cause fuss. Men however can make as much fuss as they can case they are well men and its manly right???

      Don’t take him back, it will get more controlling as time will go on.

      AS for personality disorder label use it to help get some therapy with someone who understand emotional and controlling abuse and how that affects the minds of someone who is being controlled.

      I would also say break all contact with him and block any social media you have.

      Give yourself time to heal from this relationship

      • #34445
        Hollapops-
        Participant

        Thank you, I replied below as wasn’t sure how the replies work. I’ve since received a few more replies and i’m ever so grateful. Support is a huge comfort..so thank you

    • #34439
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hello Hollapops and welcome.

      I’m crazy and proud! I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable personality disorder/emotional intensity disorder. Yes I am very sensitive and there is nothing wrong with this. I don’t give a flying f, if my ex tells people I’m crazy. If anyone says it to me I will say as a joke that he made me that way. I definitely didn’t make him into an abuser.

      My diagnosis stems from childhood trauma and my symptoms were triggered and exacerbated by my abusive husband. It is not appropriate to call anyone names or put them down.

      This is what men with over inflated egos and power and control issues and abusers do. They put you on a pedastal, pursue you relentlessly and then tear you down.

      There’s a reason he was single for (detail removed by Moderator). No woman would put up with his nastiness. There is a difference between criticism and a personal attack on your identity and integrity. name calling is not criticism. “he created a timetable”=business deal? = control freak

      The best I advice I can say is not to care what people think and listen to your own gut instinct! I consider myself a strong and independent person in spite of my emotional struggles. My abusive husband told me I was useless and lazy. I now have had a part time job for (detail removed by Moderator) and I have my own flat that only I have to look after! My abusive husband said I was putting us in debt. I am now debt free for over a years with savings (he never had savings). When I was in the refuge the staff there wanted me to not take or quit my job. I refused because I know that I would go crazier just sitting in a room with four walls and nothing to do. I had a problem with my landlord and ended up in a bed and breakfast. People who were unqualified to comment on my situation started giving me “advice”: I should move in with them, I should move back with my parents, I should look for a private flat again etc…” I ignored them all and now I’ve got my own social housing association brand new build flat.

      I can only recommend doing some courses or therapy to deal with your “sensitivity” (which is not a bad thing!) and coping with your self doubt. I have always struggle with self doubt from childhood and it is a symptom/trait of my disorder.

      Because you mentioned that you had a difficult past before this abuser came along, you might have some healing to do from the past. This is what abusers do, they prey on your vulnerability and unresolved angst…it make them feel powerful and in control when they point out your “flaws”( which aren’t really flaws at all but natural human traits).

      I’m a good person. You are a good person. That’s all that matters. Nobody is perfect and as long as you are not hurting (by hurting I mean truly hurt not deflate their egos) anyone keeping doing you.

      • #34447
        Hollapops-
        Participant

        Thank you for your incredible words of support and for sharing your experience. It’s a comfort to hear more from a BPD perspective and it’s the first time i’ve heard such positivity. I put a bit more info below as wasn’t sure how to reply on here till now.

    • #34441
      Hollapops-
      Participant

      Thank you Serenity, I really appreciate your response. I did get diagnosed with BPD recently, but looking back i’m sure I was pushed towards this diagnosis by my ex-partners ‘obsession’ with my behaviour. He seemed convinced that there was something wrong with me and kept pushing me towards websites, books relating to BPD (he introduced me to the term). I admit I became a bit obsessed with this too and kept finding and creating similarities between myself and the traits. I think he really wanted me to have a ‘label’..and possibly I did too in order to justify my ‘reactions’ to things that he did. I do have a bit of a broken past and issue with abandonment which he knew about quite early on and I do believe he used this against me, because to be fair i’ve been really resilient all these years all the way up to meeting him. Once I had the label, it then became ‘my responsibility’ to change and ‘my issue’ became the excuse for everything. I wasnt me anymore. Close friends said i had become a shell of myself and yet it was him that said he was ‘stepping on Eggshells’ around me. If we did have a week of calm, something would trigger an argument and it would be my fault, he would get angry at me for crying but then would say ‘i’m sorry, to be fair to you, you have been trying really hard with your BPD and I was wrong to snap etc’. Basically if i stuck up for myself when he called me names or ignored me then i was ‘crazy BPD girl’. I’m hoping I can get re-assessed for PTSD.

    • #34451
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi Hollapops,

      Welcome to the Forum. keep posting and reading the other ladies’ posts and you will heal and become stronger. Your sharing your story and your feelings help us too.

    • #34501
      Nova
      Participant

      Welcome Hollapops,
      we all support each other and its good that your posting to gain more understanding.
      re BPD my recent ex, mentioned it when I met him and that he was on anti depressants, and that hed tried to commit suicide, now I think thats all lies, as I now know him,…it was for the sympathy card, sick head he has.
      By the end of our toxic time together, he had virtually convinced me that I was paranoid, & had mental health problems..(detail removed by moderator).
      No I didnt, he has though.

      So I understand where your coming from, its all part of his sick manipulative abusive & control plan.

      Read some good books like ‘Why does he do that’ Lundy Bancroft & ‘The Dominator’ Pat Craven
      best to read and be informed…& No Contact is the only! way forward…clear your healthy mind of all his cr*p.

      hugs
      Cx

    • #34569
      Jupiter
      Participant

      I feel very strongly about women being tagged with personality disorders.Being hurt and traumatised is normal when someone has been badly abused.
      I live with PTSD and my trauma books state that this condition is a normal reaction to abnormal events such as abuse in all its forms often spanning many years.In her powerful book-Trauma And Recovery Judith Herman discusses the common problem of women being diagnosed as hysterical etc arguing that PTSD is more realistic.Personality disorders ,to me,are another way to blame women for being survivors of mens abuse and indicate total lack of understanding or insight into the complex outcomes of various abuses by the docs who create the diagnostic criteria in the first place.It took me years to get ptsd diagnosed.We are living in a blame the victim culture and domestic abuse is included in this distorted mindset.If a person is heartbroken following a bereavement we dont blame their personality!I would love to see normal emotions accepted again instead of being medicalised by the psychiatric brotherhood who apparently live their privileged lives.
      Jupiter x

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content