This topic contains 102 replies, has 48 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #5762
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi there,
    If you are new to the forum it would be great to hear a little about you and your experiences. I hope that this will not only help you but will help others, as knowing there are other women out there who have been through similar experiences can be extremely uplifting and helpful.
    We look forward to hearing from you!
    Best Wishes
    Lisa

  • #5893
     Mardi 
    Participant

    Hi I am new to the forum. I have been seeing an abusive partner for about (detail removed by moderator) years. He could be really normal, friendly and charming one minute then the next be very abusive. I have quite a few bad experiences with him, repeatedly throwing or threatening to throw me out his house if I didn’t perform sex well enough for him, he would take my money, deprive me of sleep, warmth etc. He would never please me in the bedroom, it always had to be about me pleasing him. He would push me on the floor, try to strangle me, shake my head violently, grab my wrists so tightly almost to brake them, threatening to break my fingers, kicked the bathroom door in when I was going to the toilet, pulled my hair, picked up different sized knives and pointed them at my groin, my throat, chest, stomach, arms, threatened to stab me if I didn’t give him oral sex. He’s also spat on me, called me various offensive names etc etc. He never calls or texts and asks if I’m ok or ever apologises. I found out he got arrested for some other offence which he has never told me about. He is always so secretive, always has something to hide. He drinks a lot, looks at too much porn and acts out the porn on me, takes drugs and squats in derelict buildings. Somehow I don’t think he makes good husband material to me! I have been in love with this guy for the past (detail removed by moderator) years and it is has been extremely hard to get out of the relationship. I think I have made so many allowances for him and played down all his abuse because I loved him and just wanted to be with him so much. However he went too far the last time when he raped me and threatened to stab me with knives. I really thought he would kill me. This has scared me so much. I have told the police but not made a statement against him. I don’t want to get him into trouble because I love and care about him. However I am never going back to him now. I just don’t feel safe or trust him anymore. He has treated me so badly I deserve better. I feel happier and freer without him. I just hope I can be strong and not feel depressed and panicky when I remember the loss of the love of my life or the loss of a relationship. I hope I can find a better relationship with a good man in the future who will love and treat me right. I look forward to this. Thank you for your support and help, love Mardi. x*x

    • #8308
       godschild 
      Participant

      Hi I am new to this forum. I have be marries for many many years and have suffered various types of abuse from emotional, verbal , smashing my treasured things, ranting , name calling, blatent denial and told im the abuser. I suffer from agoraphobia fear of going out and monophobia dreaded fear of being alone, so im totally dependant on him, got no support other then a lady who used to live near me but has moved, she has had abusive relationships herself I talk to her on th phone when I can.. I cannot leave, many people override this as they do not understand the complexity of my longstandning phobias. What I need is emotional support form Ladies that know how this feels, I didnt even realise it was domestic abuse until 4 years ago when I read books and got knowledge and it has been very very painfull waking up to it all. it all. The past 5 weeks have been hell , he is slowly destroying , me anxiety and emotions are through the roof and he has nor regard for me at all. He has even tried to make himself the victim with the police who have treated me horribley, I even had abuse from a Lady police officer 15 months ago an she lied and got away with it, The Police have no idea of the tactics of abuse.
      Ive ended up in tears and strong emotions this afternoon after he subjected me to a long lecture , not letting me make any response , shouting over me aggressive and demeaning, he said I need to go and get lessons on how to deal with my emotions ! He was comparing me with other Women who would never ” behave ” like me, I asked for back up on what he said, but got none, he keeps on about my emotions and behavior, he will defend anyone else , no matter what they do or say to me, I feel at my wits end and so broken and hurt. When he reduces me to tears he says its emotional blackmail and his abuse gets worse.He totally denes its him, any support welcome. Im trapped in with him and have no one to talk to.

    • #8330
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi godschild,

      Well done for writing your first post, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your partner and you are still suffering.

      Sorry to hear that you have tried to reach out to the police in the past and been let down. Unfortunately this does happen occasionally but I hope it wont stop you reporting the abuse in the future.

      I think you are right, talking to women who have been through what you have been through will help you to feel like you are not alone. I know that you suffer from some clinical fears which adds to your challenges but I am sure that with the right support from the women on this forum and with support from other services you can makes steps to be happier.

      I’m glad you have posted, it’s good to have you with us.

      Best wishes

      Lisa

      Forum Moderator

    • #8565
       hamster 
      Participant

      Hi Lisa, I am new to this forum and I would like to give you an insight into what I have been through, and how it is affecting me know.
      For over a year and an half I have been out of my relationship with my ex husband in which I suffered domestic abuse in the form of controlling, financial, emotional abuse for (detail removed by moderator) did not realize this until I was made to see how I was living by my family support worker. She came on board because I was reaching rock bottom, I had two boys who had autism, my eldest had not left the house for year and half to go to school and I was home teaching my youngest through is suggestion till he got the support at school, and I was shown this was is way of keeping me in, I was the prisioner and he was the jailer. This is hard to explain but it was like I was living in a bubble, did not know any different, and it wasn’t till I got in touch with woman’s aid through my family support worker I could see how I had been living, and how much control he had over me, and through these I was able to stand up to him which was really hard, and divorced him. While I was divorcing him I found that he had a debt of a large amount of money and loans everywhere, and to see how we lived was nothing special, and when I asked for anything he said we were ok with the money, and what I thought was a joint account was in my name only and he was taking out my income monthly and putting into his account.
      After a period of time the situation within the family home was really hitting me rock bottom, and at weekends after he had the children they were turning against me, and my eldest was trying to control me, and in the end I at to leave and move out the area, and a friend put me up and all I left with was a carrier bag of clothes, and the boys stayed with him.
      I know do not have contact with my family, he has turned them against me and I could not go over and see the boys in the grandparents house, at to walk the streets with them, and know I see them when I can, trying to build a bond back up with them, because this as been lost along the way. I know this can be hard for anyone to understand on what I did leaving the boys with the dad, but they were happy with him, and I could not cope emotionally with them then, and still trying hard to build up this bond I had with them.
      At present know I am still trying to rebuild my life, trying to get a job which is really hard, all I ask is my independence, so I can have things I can call my own, by buying nice things.
      Their is one glimmer of hope I have met a guy, and he loves me as a person and not an object, just taking it easy, its just nice to have companionship.
      At the moment I seem to be going through a bad patch in which I am trying to fight, its like the world is against me by not being able to get a job, and this is my fault for being the person I was made and controlled through him, its like it was all my fault, and I am still deep down letting him control my actions, therefore their are still chains I need to break.
      I know it is going take time, but when does it get easier I ask myself lot. and knowing that your group is out their I am not alone Hamster

    • #8567
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Hamster,

      Thank you for your brave and inspirational post and welcome to the forum! You have been amazingly strong and we are very happy to have you here on the forum! The forum is still quite new and there are a few issues being ironed out but I am so pleased to hear that you have already had lots of support from Women’s Aid.

      Be kind to yourself. You have done brilliantly. Happy Posting!

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #12302
       Bashful 
      Participant

      Hi I am new but I don’t know where to start ,Thankyou for accepting me ,I will put my story just tried but get to emotional

    • #12308
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Bashful,

      Take your time and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Perhaps it’s better to do a message on an independent thread, more people are likely to see it.

      When you’re ready to write we will be here.

      Best wishes

      Lisa

    • #16440
       Standing tall 
      Participant

      Hi. I’m new to the forum. I was in a relationship with my abuser for many, many years. I didn’t even realise that it was abuse. He made me and the medical profession believe that I was crazy. I was put on strong antidepressants and sleeping tablets. The final straw was waking up to find that he had ‘taken me’ whilst I slept. I went, with a neighbour, to a solicitor. I gave her a statement. When it came to court I realised that my solicitor was accusing him of rape. I withdrew my statement in fear of the repercussions. I came off the tablets that day, but didn’t tell him. I started to learn that he had convinced me that I had forgotten to take them. He kept ‘pushing my buttons’ until I cracked and slapped him across the face. That was the day he broke my cheekbone and caused me to have a double prolapse. This happened in front of our children. I called the police and, eventually, they helped me to get an injunction against him. But I still had to live with him for a few weeks. He left right at the very last moment. He came round every day and sat on the lawn. He would introduce himself as my husband every time I found a new friend, scaring them away. I then got another injunction to keep him away from me. But the distance wasn’t far enough away. I could still see him when he sat on a wall watching me every day. Our daughter went to live with him within a few months. Our son went after a couple of years. Then neither of them would see me. After a while I got a transfer and changed my name. I didn’t think I was ever going to see my children again, so I decided to hide.
      To cut a very long story short, I wrote and published my first book. I had been writing poetry through all of the abuse. It was scarey to look back on. I didn’t even realise half of the things that had happened. But when a new friend read it, he advised me to get it published, to help others. I hope it is helping others,I haven’t had any feedback yet. I have, recently, submitted a second book. This one covers everything I remember about the abuse I have been submitted to from my childhood and in relationships.
      Putting everything down on paper has helped me deal with my thoughts and feelings. I hope it helps people to realise when they are being abused, before they ‘lose’ most of their life.

    • #16723
       anero 
      Participant

      Hi,
      I am new and never posted before. I’m feeling physically and emotionally drained and that I can’t talk to family or friends because I know what they will say.
      I’ve been with my partner (removed by moderator) years. I have (removed by moderator) year old kids and we have a (removed by moderator) year old together. He isn’t physically violent. It’s his mood swings, constant complaining, drinking, putting everyone else before me and the kids. etc
      I work and we decided he would stop working away and be a stay at home Dad. Not sure if this was the right choice as it put added financial strain on.
      He always has an excuse for going to pub, got to see someone or a mates Birthday or football. This weekend has become tyical. As soon as I finish work at (removed by moderator) he picks me up, drops himself off at pub, i drive home, cook, clean, baths, everything normal,some of which he could have done during the day. Comes home irrational around 10/11pm and goes to bed. After he has moaned about what me and the kids have it haven’t done to his satisfaction. I told him don’t spent much money as we only have (removed by moderator) left for the week for shopping. He spent it and didn’t care. I’m paying off (removed by moderator) a month for his gambling debt. He has ruined furniture and thrown rubbish and milk all over carpets. He never comes anywhere with us and when he does ruins it. Constantly accuses me of cheating. Has held a knife to my throat. I’ve tried to get him to leave many times. Even had police take him away but always comes back.
      I’m always waiting for the next good day
      We are all miserable. Reasoning with him is futile as he just throws out accusations. The police and my therapist have told me it’s abuse and isn’t right so why am I not asking for help. I’m confused. Me and the kids used to be Abe so happy. I feel so trapped. Thanks for the cent. He is out now spending the money he got (removed by moderator) from helping a mate rather than helping replace the shopping money.

    • #16739
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi anero,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m very sorry to read what you’re going through, it sounds extremely stressful and upsetting. It’s sounds like your husband is being emotionally abusive and very controlling. His gambling and spending money inappropriately is financial abuse. You also explain very serious threatening behaviour and physical abuse by him holding a knife to your throat. Sadly we know that abusers do not take responsibility for their actions and do not change, the cycle sadly always continues. You say that you and the kids used to be so happy, it sounds like it’s him that’s causing the unhappiness; you deserve a happier life without abuse from him.

      I understand that it can feel overwhelming when thinking about how to make changes, but it is possible and there is lots of help available. I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker. They can provide listening support and talk through your options.

      You might also find it helpful start a new topic yourself to ensure that your post gets noticed here on the forum as this section is often not obvious to other forum users.

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

    • #17831
       butterfly 
      Participant

      hi lisa im new to the forum and wanted some advice, my abuse ended (removed by moderator) ago after nearly (removed by moderator) years of abuse i finally put him in jail (removed by moderator) years ago. Although sometime it still feels like im living with it all again, maybe after (removed by moderator) years of someone controlling you its hard to get over, i was raped, burnt, kidnapped to name just a few ive had (removed by moderator) years of therapy on and of and been to most groups but i just cant seem to move on and im` wondering if its living in the same house with all the memories of what went on, ive tried my best to hep myself and even thought ive come such a long way i just want to get to the point where i stop thinking of the past and move on,ive replaced nearly everything that me and him had together well what i had that he didnt steal from me,to see if that would make a differece but it hasnt, im in social housing and with it being such a long time ago i dont think they would hepl me, thankyou xxxx

    • #17845
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi butterfly,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry to read what you have been through, you explain very serious abuse over a long period of time. It is very normal and understandable for the effects of abuse to be long-lasting, so you are not alone in feeling like you do. Every survivor goes through their own individual healing process, so try to be kind and patient with yourself, it sounds like you have made huge progress already.

      I can’t tell you what to do with regards to your living arrangements, that’s your decision, however I would say to follow your instinct. Everyone’s situation is unique to them, but many survivors do find that moving to a new area and away from any links or anything that reminds you of the abuse can help in terms of ‘moving on’. In terms of approaching housing, you may not be deemed at high priority as you are not currently fleeing domestic abuse, but you should still be able to request a transfer; you would need to see a housing advisor about this.

      Perhaps it may be worth exploring different types of therapy, or other ways of looking after yourself emotionally; for example taking up a new hobby or activity. I’m sure the other forum users will be able to advise on techniques that have helped with their own healing.

      Keep posting,

      Lisa

    • #17890
       snickers 
      Participant

      hi I’m new. Just trying to work things out in my. If I’m being abused its subtle. The property we live in is in a terrible state, I’m too ashamed to have visitors. He keeps saying he’ll fix it up – he has the skills, but he doesn’t, and he won’t let workmen do it either. This has been going on for years. If I ask for it to be done he says its my fault it hasn’t been done because I keep changing my mind. Then I explain what I want done and he holds up his hands and says he can’t understand me and I need to draw out a plan. When I draw out a plan he just puts it in his piles of papers and loses it. All this is done in a harassed tone as if I’m a nagging child. I’ve tried to have a heart-to-heart with him a couple of times, but I can’t make a connection, he is so sharp-toned I end up crying myself to sleep. I told him I wanted to leave and he was super-nice for a few weeks, I thought it was all going to be OK. Now I feel like a fool, it was an act. He is back to how he was. Sulking, angry, sullen, and with an attitude that he is a long-suffering husband trying his very best with his immature demanding wife. I read on the forum that keeping someone awake is abusive, I hadn’t realised, he does that and expecting sex always and acting like a beaten dog like I’m the most ungrateful wife in the world when I don’t want it. And making out ‘jokingly’ to the kids that I don’t love him, and also (cringe-makingly) making jokes about how he doesn’t get sex. Just an ongoing story about what a long-suffering hard-working, considerate guy he is. Why don’t I speak out to him? Call him on it? I try, then I’m being over-sensitive, it was just a joke, I’m no fun, all in his exasperated tone, like he’s the most understanding guy in the world and I’m a crazy who always thinks the worse of him. Then the hurt, angry sulk from him. (Though he assures me he is never angry with me). Like I’ve been really inappropriate and hurt him.
      He calls at least three times a day from work to talk about nothing, it really winds me up, I’m so busy in the day I don’t want to chat about nothing, and it feels like I’m being monitored. He is always ‘fussing’ after me, ‘you should take this route’ when I’m going out somewhere – or ‘don’t forget you are going out to your club tonight’ or ‘are you keeping an eye on those potatoes’ (boiling on the hob), like I’m constantly being micromanaged, its suffocating. I just want to scream at him to get out of my face. But he is a model husband, brings in the wage, doesn’t hit me, makes me a cup of tea in the morning, loads the dishwasher, and fussing over me is because he loves me? Its impossible to get it into an email, I’m trying but its not working. I feel guilty all the time for not being good enough at housework, or cooking, or communicating, or having sex. Its all communicated to me through angry glares and accusations. There are times when he behaves OK obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t still be there, but the angry moods are becoming more the normal state of affairs. I’m afraid to be out with him because I don’t know how he will behave and whether he will shame me in public by glaring at me, ignoring me, or arguing with me. I don’t let him drive me anymore, I do the driving because he has terrified me in the past with his erratic driving when he is angry with me, me being afraid just makes him angrier. I make sure I keep the keys with me. Often when I’ve been out and I come back happy he says to me ‘you are allowed to smile you know – why are you so miserable I thought you’d be happy after going to your club – you often look miserable after you’ve been there’ But I’m not miserable, I was quite happy. Thanks for telling me what a miserable wreck I look – that helps so much – not. Its like he can’t bear to see me happy. He also tells me not to worry I’m putting on weight (I wasn’t worried) because I’m fattening up beautifully as he wobbles my tummy, it makes me so angry, though I refuse to show it. Leaving isn’t a simple option, for various reasons I can’t go into here because likely would identify me. Just need any feedback on whether this classes as abuse so that I can go forward with that information.

    • #17972
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi snickers,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read what you are going through with your husband. I’m afraid it does sound like you are explaining an abusive relationship. There are several aspects of what you have said that suggest your husband is being abusive; the micromanaging everything you do, the monitoring you by phoning regularly, the accusations/put downs/mocking, the sleep deprivation and him not liking it when you are feeling happy. You also explain him turning situations round onto you and making you the one at fault, which all abusers do. All of these things, as you know, add up to have a very detrimental effect on your well-being and life as a whole. This type of emotional abuse and coercive control can be very subtle, difficult to recognise and to explain but is very serious and damaging.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to call the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They will not tell you what to do but can help to validate your feelings and talk through your options with you.

      Unfortunately not many forum users tend to see this section of the forum, so please consider copying your post and re-posting it in one of the other forums.

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

  • #5981
     Notorious 
    Participant

    Hello, I’m a newbie and I feel totally alone and not too sure if I will be told that everything is my fault on this website.
    I have been married to my husband for (detail removed by moderator) years but with him (number removed by moderator).  He has 2 adult daughters from his first marriage and we have one daughter aged (detail removed by moderator) together.
    We have had our ups and downs throughout the years and I have really struggled with being a step-parent and if ever given the chance again i would run in the opposite direction.
    My husband and I have history, I have had counselling with Relate and other independents who advise me that he is verbally abusive and also emotionally blackmailing.
    This morning has been awful for me. The cycles of him being ok and then ‘having a wobbly’ as he calls it continue.
    Basically, about 4 years ago I was in a low place in our life, I felt completely unloved, uncherished and when I approached my husband for emotional support, like I always thought you had to, it wasn’t there, I got the ‘it’s all in your head’. My husband believes that the holidays we go on and the theatre trips that he organises are demonstrative in his affection towards me as loving and giving. I beg to differ.
    During this bad time and my low self-esteem period, I worked closely with a male colleague as I needed to learn more about the job I do, unfortunately, he could see that I was very down on myself and we got close. Not physically close though but we did text. Some of his texts were quite ‘saucy’ however, I usually didn’t respond, or would say that I was a married woman. However, we were friends. You will call it an emotional affair – so I suppose I deserve everything I get.
    On holiday in (detail removed by moderator) I received a text from my colleague asking if I was ok, signing it off with kisses. I wasn’t expecting any texts from him to be honest, or had I generated any to expect a response. He was a work colleague and I had ceased private texting him months before then. My husband had got my phone as he was checking football results, so saw the text and i suppose the verbal/emotional abuse started from there onwards till present day.
    Husband exposed me to interrogations, usually about 1/2am in the morning, waking me up hurling abuse at me. He had this chap followed, paid £1500 to do so, stalking him, threatening to hurt him, but saying it to me.
    Nothing happened with this man and I, not even so much as a kiss, except one at Christmas. I could go on and on.
    I had counselling as I thought I have some sort of mental issue and problems and my counsellors all tell me that my husband has the problems as it is in his head.
    Now I am being held to task and being threatened by my husband to leave my job or my marriage is over. He said that I am to move out but to leave our daughter with him. He made sure she heard what a disgusting Mother she has this morning, I begged him to leave, but he wants me to go.
    You may agree with all of this. i have nobody and don’t deserve anyone, but I just can’t leave my daughter, I love her so much.
    He’s trying to drive a wedge between my Mum, Sister and I and he’s already damaged a friendship I had with my daughter’s ex-childminder.
    I just wish I could turn the clocks back as I feel so guilty for everything that I have done in the past. I understand now that I should have kept my stupid self esteem issues to myself – heaven knows how much self-loathing I have. I am not important. You don’t have to reply to me, it doesn’t matter.

    • #5984
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Dear Notorious,

      Firstly, you are important and it does matter. It sounds like you have been enduring emotional abuse for a very long time and that must be draining for you.

      You are somebody and you deserve everything. its natural to want to stay with your daughter, your husband knows how much she means to you and is using this to continue the mental abuse.

      It may be worth contacting your local women’s support service about your situation. You could also call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 where a trained female helpline worker can talk through options with you.

      I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes,

      Lisa

    • #5992
       Notorious 
      Participant

      Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for your reply, I rang yesterday and spoke to a very lovely lady who has confirmed my devastating existence over the last (detail removed by moderator) at least and she gave me a reference number as it is time that something was done.

      My husband and I had the most horrific argument yesterday morning with him running me down in front of our daughter. I also lost my cool with him and responded aggressively too. I asked him to leave but he says he’s not going anywhere and I am not allowed to leave with our daughter.

      Yesterday evening was awful as he was at home slumping around on the settee with this ‘hurt’ expression. He wants me to leave my job as this will make everything alright for him… I haven’t done anything wrong to have to leave my job and why should it be my responsibility to put his head right?

      He text me this morning after he’d gone to work to say that he loves me and our daughter and the life we have but cannot live his life in fear that this person that he thinks will try and take advantage of me again, coming to my place of work.

      I feel numb to the core, sleep awful and keep crying for my daughter, it’s nearly Christmas and I just don’t know what to do or how to react to him. He won’t leave and thinks that I can just be ‘ok’ after Monday. He doesn’t understand the impact Monday has had on me and he is too irrational for me to even explain, let alone get any empathy from him.

      It’s always all about what he wants. All about him.

      Please help me, I feel scared for my future and am a broken woman. I cry for my daughter, she’s (age removed by moderator) and excited about Christmas and I have done nothing about wrapping presents or cards, I just don’t know what to do… I have put up with so much from him over the (detail removed by moderator) of our time together, and even think the trouble started way before our daughter was born, but I was totally in love with him.

      Thank you for your kindness, this is such a hard life for me. Please don’t let him take my daughter off me, he’ll ruin her and spoil her and turn her against me.

      x

    • #8359
       godschild 
      Participant

      Thankyou Lisa, I have cried so much because of all of his put downs and nastiness yesterday, feel so washed out today and exhausted, no energy, im trying everyday to just do some small things and every time I make progress end up back right down and feel I can hardly function , I feel sick, and physical emotional pain if that makes sense, rising up in my chest, im so so hurt by him. I need a support worker but even the waiting list is closed, I cant get anywhere to meet anyone and no one will come to my home, im so so isolated

    • #8526
       godschild 
      Participant

      It took me a week to be able to log in to this site , I was feeling pretty desperate and isolated, Ive introduced myself, tried to interact and no response at all, already feel worthless and it seems no one wants to know me on here either, I don’t know why I bothered its horrible

    • #8541
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi godschild,

      Sorry to hear that you are not feeling supported. Maybe you could start a new thread under one of the other topics? I’m sure others will understand your situation and offer support when they can.

      I hope you feel able to stay with us a little longer.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #16725
       anero 
      Participant

      I apologise for the errors in the message. Tried to post while toddler was climbing over me x

  • #6200
     Princesshuggybear 
    Participant

    Hi am I’m new to the forum [detail removed by moderator] months ago a left my partner after a long time together. It was only after leaving that he had been using emotional and mental abuse against me for years. Unfortunately just after leaving I had a complete emotional,mental and physical breakdown. To the point I couldn’t deal with the day to day things. If I went out I had panic attacks. He’d kept me away from my family and friends, always telling me I was useless, failure no good at anything, I was fat,ugly. Even though he works aboard he still affected me. He made do things I didn’t want to do. A few years ago when he was home I woke up to find that he’d hit me while I was a sleep knocking out 2 crowns and snapping one which as now left me with no front teeth. When I look in the mirror all I see is someone who is fat and ugly. And it doesn’t matter how many people tell me I’m not that’s how I feel. We are divorced now but are still sorting the financial side of things out. And each time I think I’m picking myself up a letter from his solicitor can knock me back again.
    Unfortunately as a child I suffered from sexual abuse the person responsible as been bought to justice. But I have the memories of this on top of everything else that someways I wonder what’s the point in carrying on. But that would mean he’s won, so even though it’s a struggle I carry on. Trying to rebuild my life, I’ve moved back Close to my family. Who are helping and supporting were they can. This week as been a struggle,especially the end of last week when he sent a letter,it’s knocked me back so much. Just don’t know what to do anymore …..

  • #6209
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    hello and a warm welcome to Princesshuggybear, Mardi, & Notorious,

    i just wanted to say hi and say how brave you have been in sharing your stories here, i find it extremely difficult to post particular detail of my situation and you have managed to be so clear in stating how difficult your lives are due to the abuse you are suffering.

    I hope you will find lots of support here, we’re all here for you and although we all experience different things it never stops being surprising how very similar they all are too, as well as the similarities of how we are left feeling as a result, and what the children go through.

    I am very sorry for your situations and hope that you will feel comfortable to keep posting and feeling supported. Writing these things down can also be so helpful to getting them out of going round and round in your head and start moving forward with them.

    warmest wishes to you all xxKS

  • #6219
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Dear Princesshuggybear,

    It sounds like you have been enduring abuse for a really long time and have never had the opportunity to take time for yourself.

    It sounds like you have a lot to cope with at the moment and I’m wondering if its worth contacting a women’s support service in your area who could offer you support during this difficult time.

    I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.

    Best Wishes,

    Lisa

  • #6261
     Moomy 
    Participant

    Hi I have written and deleted and re written this post a few times I am still not sure if this is the right thing to do but I don’t know what else to do. My husband has been emotionally abusing me for year the abuse is getting worse he is very aggressive with it shouting, swearing, banging around coming right up to my face so he spits on me when he shouts, he had broken things around the house. My husband has been married before, I have 2 step daughter that used to live with us but have not w moved to their own places, I have a primary school aged daughter from a previous relationship that lives with is, while my husband does not abuse her he is quite harsh and blunt with her at times. At other times he is the dad she never had. This is my problem, I know this is a stupid thing to say but at times he can be lovely. I was with my daughter myself just me and her for many years. Recently anything can set my husband off me asking if he is ok because he has been quiet, me talking about my stepdaughters and ways we could handle some of the issues they can bring to our door, I am told it’s not any of my business even though it effects me and my daughter and usually is me picking up the pieces from. My husband loses it shouts at be ends out marriages tells me to leave his house (it is his I am not on the mortgage) and that I am all the names under the sun, I do stand up for myself and tell him not to speak to me like that, I stay respectful I don’t call names or shout and ask him to calm down or he will wake my daughter this makes him angrier. The last few months he has come close to hitting me and hit things near me telling me he wants to hit me. (Detail removed by moderator) it happened again after a nice weekend (detail removed by moderator) I told him I was worried about her and felt like I got no support from him and he went crazy at me called me all the names under the sun said we were over he didn’t want to be with someone that made him feel terrible I was the one making him act like that and that he never acted this way before (I have heard reports that he was physically aggressive with his previous wife but thy she was also). After this I left him alone to calm down and then as usual he ignores me for a day or so and then I try’s to act like nothing happened. I have tried to talk to him about how this makes me feel and the effect it is having on me, I feel like a shadow of myself, I can’t even look in a mirror recently and I have no friends my family have stopped talking to me and I feel like I am the one causing him to be like this. I think he has never really loved me and that now he feels obligated to have me at the house, I can’t move out my daughter has finally settled in school and apart from the one bully has made friends, she has had to move before for my work and then again when we moved in with my husband so I could move to another area, I took another job that paid a lot less when I moved in with my husband as we could not get childcare in the area and so I am now financially reliant on him and could not afford the rent in this area myself. I am so loss and alone I just keep thinking that if I can swallow down these feelings and get through the next few years I will be in a better position to afford rent for me and my daughter, I am studying for a degree that will lead to a better paid job. But I am not sure if I can take one more night let alone a few years and my husband makes it so hard to study he gets mad and started arguments and shouting /screaming so I got no sleep before my last exams. I don’t know if I can cope it makes me feel like I am going mad he says he never said things he did he completely blanks me I feel like a nobody and I don’t know what to do, if it wasn’t for my daughter I don’t think I would be here but she is my shining light keeping me positive and giving me my reason to get through this. Just a hard day today I think 🙁

  • #6285
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Moomy,

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post, I know it can be hard to post for the first time so I’m really glad you have reached out for some support. It sounds like your husband’s abusive behaviour is having a very negative impact on your life. You have explained psychological abuse, control, financial abuse and very threatening and aggressive behaviour and that he has isolated you. It also sounds like the abuse is escalating and there is a high chance of it escalating to physical abuse. I acknowledge that there are many practical barriers to leaving your relationship and I understand your concern about the upheaval for your daughter, however children can be very adaptable and I encourage you to prioritise you and your daughter’s safety and long term wellbeing.

    I think it would really help for you to speak to a female support worker in confidence by calling The National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. She will not tell you what to do, but can listen, talk through your options and signpost you to any agencies relevent to your situation.

    Keep posting,

    Lisa

    • #11696
       Sunnybynature 
      Participant

      God I read your post and it sounds so like me , my husband just completely blanks me or screams at me to leave him alone or to get out of his sight. We know a normal man wouldn’t behave like this so why do we stay?

  • #6289
     Moomy 
    Participant

    Thank you I think I have reached the point where I understand it’s not going to get better but I’m not sure where to go from here. I keep trying to talk to my husband about the way he is making me feel I don’t know why because the rational side of me knows it won’t change and it makes no difference, but there is a bit of me that thinks if he understands and sto7ps it and we are good all the time then everything will be fine. I know it is stupid I keep telling myself it won’t change I have to get out just so terrified to make that step, what about the impact on my daughter and what about work, money somewhere to live, keep trying to call and hanging up when it rings I am not sure what to say to an actual person, I’m sorry!

    • #6298
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Please try not to worry, we understand that it’s really hard to talk about it so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Many callers don’t know what to say at first but the helpline workers are very experienced and will help you through it gently. However, if you don’t feel ready to call don’t worry, there is lots of support on here.

      It’s completely natural to hold onto some hope of your husband changing, but it sounds like deep down you know that he won’t, and realising that must be extremely upsetting. However this realisation and awareness is going to help you move forward towards a happier life.

      If you haven’t already have a look through The Survivor’s Handbook on this website which goes through many practical issues such as housing and refuge.

      You can find support in your area via this link; https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ You may find it helpful to meet up with a domestic abuse support worker to discuss your concerns and to get advice about the practical issues.

      If you have any questions, please ask.

      Lisa

  • #6380
     Princesshuggybear 
    Participant

    Hi not sure where to go for help in my area.
    This last week as been a really difficult week. I am struggling a lot at the moment I don’t even want to put Christmas decorations. My ex is making things difficult over a settlement and still messing with my head, the slightest thing and I have been in tears. With the help of family I have been able to start a small business because I am not able to work as a (detail removed by Moderator) due to having a breakdown. I am worried that my ex will turn up at the business just to mess with me some more. (Detail removed by Moderator)
    Because he won’t (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m scared that I’ll have to see him. And this scares me just writing this and I’m crying again. How can one person have such a effect on someone’s life and not a good one either.

  • #6387
     tobefree 
    Participant

    Princess huggybear, I understand how you feel. The slightest contact from my ex sends me in absolute meltdown.we have a young daughter together and I always worry he wont bring her back from visits.

    They like to still play games to try and break us, not that we can be much more broken.

    I cry as soon as I hear from him, I can’t do the visitation exchange as to just look at him sends me down.

    Today my ex has my daughter and his 2 children from his prev marriage, my daughter hasn’t seen them in months and his ex wife was horrendous to me too. In my head he is again today, even indirectly!

    Call the helpline if you can lovely, they are great and they signposted me to who I need to see about counselling etc. Big hugs lovely xx

  • #6447
     lotsoflovexxx 
    Participant

    Hi everyone, iv just joined today im (removed by moderator) with (removed by moderator) kids and im not in a relationship now but iv found myself in two abusive relationships the first was a shock he is there father.
    Social services have been involved and the domestic helpline which got me help for a non molestation order. When i think back although i know what he did was wrong iv been strangled and knives brought to my door and i still cant help going over and over what happened in my head still trying to reassure myself it wasnt my fault. Then years later i found myself in another relationship i thought it was great he was so nice and after about a year i confided in him about what happened in the past and he knew he was my eldest dad. He was sympathetic at first. After a while of telling him this he started to show signs id seen before i just ignored it until one day i asked him an he said i was paranoid because what id gone through since then he has played on what iv been through an told me im the reason why men do this to me its my fault. We couldnt have a normal disagreement like everyone can if i dont have his opinion then im stupid and thick ***** who knows nothing his words and i should listen to him because he knows. This can happen over something so small the smallest of disagreements. Because i think i was so desperate to have a normal family and because of pressure from him we had a baby. Well now months after shes born and years on in the relatio ship we are over hes changed his number but still contacts me in every way he can knowing i can never contact him. Yesterday he called to say it was all my fault i should agree with him he knows he is right thats why hes so adamant about everything an i dont know anything.i forgot to say we broke uo i left him because he was always insulting me just because id have my opinions. Iv been called fat ugly spotty stupid thick idiot the list goes on and every time iv say back i love you an i dont know why u would want to call me them names.im quite a calm person i think iv learnt to let everything go over my head now but i had enough an left. He is still allowed access but he brought her nack the other day said he didnt want her anymore an i should have money off him instead.. im abit annoyed do i attract men like this? Is it me? I seem to annoy men because when they want to argue an insult me im so calm because iv been through it before is that wrong of me? Thank you for reading and i hope everyone has a lovely christmas.. i return back to work after christmas so ill have more to distract my mind xxxxxx

  • #6512
     tittlemouse 
    Participant

    hi i am new the forum and very nervous i have had my iris worker for a while now and marac i have worked hard on starting to believe i dont make him do the things he does to me mentally and physically and i finally found the strength this week to end my dv relationship for good which has come with a barrage of threats but i am determined to stick this out cause i was a nervous wreck living on egg shells never knowing what mood he would be in i could be fast a sleep and the whole bed would get tipped on top of me he would leave his beer cans in a certain way and i knew i was in for it i got put on medication for my panic attacks and nerves and i was convinced it was my fault i even thought i was mentally un well x i dont think that the case now i am just a nervous wreck scared of my own shadow at times slightest noise i jump i am hoping my life is going to improve when he finally leaves me alone i do have option of refuge and moving but i would miss my house and probably get put in a bedsit or flat which is not what i want but i realise i might have to if this carrys on i am getting support from police and womans aid it is very hard and has took me a long time to find the courage to tell him i dont deserve it and it over just hoping he will get the message and leave me alone his last words to me were this is a warning only one your getting if i see you again you have had it so now i afraid to go out incase i see him but i will find strentgh eventually with support to get a life back with out dv in it x

    • #6530
       lotsoflovexxx 
      Participant

      Hi there i read your post, i understand its difficult making that move to love alone iv been homeless and in a mother and baby unit in my life and although i did find it tough an i jump at every little noise.. the best thing i ever did was to not live with him.. although he still abuses me i still feel safe knowing hes not sleeping next to me and iv got the locks on my doors i dont have to worry what mood he will wake up in or when i go to bed early.. what about if he drinks to much again an comes to bed wanting an arguement.. all that is in th past. Im new on here too if you ever want to talk or advice on how to leave the home safely. Its hard but i did it and u can too because noone should put up with what you have been through xxxx

  • #6515
     Amethyst15 
    Participant

    Hello lots of love and tittlemouse,
    Welcome to the forum where you will get lots of support and understanding. You have both been through such a lot and it makes me despair of how vile abusers can be. But, on a positive you are both survivors and you will with love, care and support gain a happier future abuse free. It’s a rocky road to recovery with many twists and turns. We are all at different stages of that recovery but wherever we are we help each other. You will find someone will empathise with where you are and give emotional and practical support so keep posting and keep going. It’s the first of many baby steps and we’ll walk with you x

  • #6528
     lotsoflovexxx 
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words.. iv been involved in two abusive relationships both which wanted babies an the second hurt me most i really confided in him about what happened first time around an he uses that against me all the time and says its me i make men react that way. I question myself all the time an feel i watch how i act all the time if you know what i mean and im quite a shy person always have been the type of person that goes embarrsed to speak up in a social situation an when he has problems with me or other things because of my personality i react very calmly and im not sure why but this seems to anger him more i dont mean to do it, i just dont have the confidence to step up and say my opinion. (Removed by moderator) ago he mentioned about the tv stand on my telly was his which for the first time in our whole relationship i said sorry i think it is mine as when you left me that evening you took the telly we had and obv the stand was acrewed on to the bottom, he said i was thick and i knew nothing he mentioned that im stupid because he used to tell me things that werent real an id believe him and i knew nothing. So i backed down came up with a solution and said okay ill check for you later ill get the telly off the unit and see what the stand says on it. He replied he didnt care what it had wrote on it it was still his. So i said ok well ill check for you. He wasnt happy with this and carried on insulting me as he usually does i said also for the first time in our relationship why would you want to call me hurtful things when i love you. I took 5 mins to myself an he was calling me over an over so i answered his called he said you little rat youve ruined my life. Anyway since then he had contact with his baby but he brought her back early an left her outside my door in her carseat an rang my doorbell over an over, whem i came to the door he ran back from his car an said i dont want nothing to do with this baby an ran back off. I havent heard from him since. But what is really on my mind. Is there something about my personality which i must change because why have i been in two abusive relationships. The first abusive relationshio drove me really ill i had anxiety an had to leave work for a while.i also went to counciling for bulimia and i began to understand that through controlling my eating i felt in control of what was happening in my life because i felt trapped.. i got over this returned to work..obv my ex because of my eldest daughter still tryed to abuse me but it got very nasty and he threatend knives strangled me to the point i lost consiousness.the first abuser got a non molestation order and social services were involved in my life because of the potential.danger. the first abuser breached the order 3 times! But i feel i got over that time in my life. The one im struggling to come.to twrms with and get over is my second partner which i talked about at the begining i felt more hurt over this because i feel he uses my past against me to.prove that i must be a woman who deserves this abuse. Any help would be really appriaciated even if its someone in same situation now xxxx thankyou x*x

  • #7052
     Smile 
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’m new to the forum but have known about it for a while.
    I’ve been split from my ex for a while now and didn’t realise for a long time that the abuse continued after we split. It was all mostly psychological and emotional and included the use of our young child; first to make me stay and then to keep tabs, justify his actions,to keep control, and to punish me.
    Following more threats my child and I moved into a refuge.
    Being believed was an amazing feeling. I moved out of the area and built a new, happier, much more comfortable life for us.
    A Court has ordered me to reveal details of my new location to my ex despite the admission that he has had me followed previously.
    The same Judge cleared my ex of my accusations of dv because I “wasn’t without blame” (I shouldn’t have wound him up. Not that I ever did on purpose!)

    So, my bubble has popped. I can feel the anxiety rising. I’m just waiting now for something to either happen or not happen.

    I have no contact with him at all so I can’t get any clues at all about what to expect.

    He is manipulative, intimidating, charming, well spoken, threatening, clever, a liar, jealous, competitive, aggresive and has history with some bad people.

    I want to be strong, successful and to live my life free from him and his expectations. I wanted my child to have a happy HEALTHY relationship with him but he can’t help using my child to get to me and I can’t stop it from getting to me.

    I have a strong support network and I’m working on some positive changes in 2016 but I’m not looking forward to finding out what effect he will have on our future again.

    • #7125
       Westy7 
      Participant

      Hi Smile,

      I feel for you and sending you lots of virtual support. I fear that I may be in a very similar situation, therefore I can’t give much advice but wanted to say hello. x

  • #7123
     ThereIsHope 
    Participant

    Hi all
    I am new to the Forum. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have been out of a DV situation for a few years now, but find it still affecting me. At the time, I never really spoke about it in any depth, and I think this is why its still “with me”. I’ve also had years to reflect on what on earth went on !
    I’m here for two reasons, one, to talk about what happened, and secondly, to offer hope and strength to women who want to escape their situation.

  • #7124
     Westy7 
    Participant

    Hi ladies,

    I am new here and still not sure what to write. I a bit of support offline but I still feel like the only one who is taking my situation seriously – and it took me a while to do that myself. I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, after his abusive and controlling behaviour started to affect and endanger our little boy, who was (detail removed by Moderator) old at the time. It was the best thing I ever did. However, I have been looking over my shoulder ever since, like he warned me to do. I have told the police, child services and ESDAS all I can and have moved house and changed my number. However, there is an old email address I leave open as its the one I gave him to pass to any lawyer he might involve in getting visitation. I told myself not to go and look in the email inbox as my heart would start to race and I felt sick. But its hard to know that he might be writing things and I don’t know what they are – what if there is some warning as to his intentions there so I can stop waking up at night and wondering if tomorrow might be the day I get court summons? What if he admits more of what he did and it some sort of closure for me? Anyone else still feel the pull of the ex’s control, even after they are out of your physical life? I feel so strong some days and others I feel like he’s still right here, telling me that I am the crazy one, the controlling one and that he will never ever be out of my head.

  • #7142
     bertietrue 
    Participant

    hi, i have just joined. mainly because i feel like i am fighting a million battles by myself. after managing to get away from a very long violent relationship, going into refuge, moving twice due to the risk and now finally settled. ive done everything i possibly could for my children, completed all of the courses, seen psychiatrists and therapists. accessed everything i could basically. gave birth to our 4th child in the summer- im still really struggling with coming to terms with it all. i feel i have gone a million miles an hour, never sleeping, never having time to stop. although i know i am getting better, i still have a strong sense of hopelessness. it feels like a constant battle with my own feelings for him and what i need to do to stay safe. really with i knew when im likely to start feeling more positive…..

  • #7540
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Bertietrue,

    Well done for posting for the first time. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. Are you still living in a refuge? It sounds like abuse has caused you all kinds of stress and also having to deal with having a new baby must be really tough. Have you spoken to the National Domestic Violence Helpline about what you have been going through? You are right when you say you shouldn’t have to fight the battles alone That is what this forum is for, to help women find the strength.

    Keep posting about how you are feeling. If you have an issue you would like to discuss you can start a new thread and the women are really supportive and will offer you information.

    It’s great to have you with us.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

    Forum Moderator

  • #7973
     Appin7 
    Participant

    Hi, new here, in a bit of a daze, this is not a service or situation that I ever thought I would find myself in. Basically it has taken me a very long time to realise that my husband is passive aggressive and I feel very stupid not to have known this or addressed it before. I am now trying to seek counselling for myself as a starting point but being a busy full time worker In a demanding job makes it difficult plus when I get home each day he is there already or gets back within half hour so no time to speak to someone really and my teen may overhear me also which would not be appropriate. I am at a loss as to what to do with the situation to actually get started, I know I should get counselling and probably legal advice.
    Ideally I would like to rescue my family by having my husband attend counselling too and for him to recognise what he has done but I fear that he wouldn’t go to anything like that as he doesn’t think he has a problem. I am guessing many of you will tell me that they never change anyway.

  • #7976
     White Rose 
    Participant

    Hi Appin. No one here ever expected to be here so don’t worry we understand how you feel!
    I know what you’re feeling when you say you get no freedom to phone people – it’s hard. If you can make a call to womens aid helpline number on the site that will be the best way forward. Have a note pad ready as they’ll give loads of support as well as practical advice. It’s free phone so you should get chance from place other than home maybe a friends house or car park from your mobile – most mobile operators have it free but check. You may not get through straight away but dont give up.
    Take care x*x

    • #8025
       Appin7 
      Participant

      Hi WR and thanks for support, I am making small steps towards being able to call the helpline and trying to get other stuff arranged too. I have recognised this is going to be a long and drawn out process. Trying to keep smiling. Feel very fake at home because I am doing all this and he has no idea. I don’t like being deceitful but have no option. X Appin

  • #8008
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Appin7, I understand the desire you have to help your husband to understand what is happening but unfortunately counselling won’t work on abusers because as they have to be open to the fact that they are abusive first. A real marriage counsellor wont even see a couple together where there is domestic abuse because it is a not a joint problem but a problem with the abuser. If your husband can not even see that he is the one in the wrong and causing the damage then I’m afraid that you need to think about yourself and your families best interests.

    I agree with White Rose about the helpline. I know it can be difficult to call when your family are around but perhaps you could find time before or after work? Or maybe during your lunch break. I really think it would help you to speak directly to someone who understands. It also could help to get everything straight in your head.

    It’s really great that you have found this forum. Any questions or anything that you are feeling you can share on here. We understand and won’t judge you.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

    Forum Moderator

    • #8027
       Appin7 
      Participant

      Hi Lisa, thanks for your reply, I did think as much regarding the fact that he doesn’t accept any responsibility. I know this process is going to be hard and painful and will take a long time as I have much to consider. I made steps by informing my boss (female) who is supportive but she is the only person who knows.
      I would like to be able to discuss it with my mum but she is caught up with my youngest sister having her first baby next week and I don’t want to put a downer on it so will no doubt have to wait a while with that.
      It is hard at home as he is trying to carry on as normal and expects me to, but he doesn’t realise I am dying inside whilst secretly finding out what to do and I hate being deceitful. Trying to keep going. X Appin

  • #8089
     nowvoyager 
    Participant

    Hello, I am new to the forum. My husband has been mentally abusing me for a long time and I’ve finally told him that I want to split up. We’ve been married for (detail removed by moderator) years. He’s got a good job and I’m a housewife because I like to be at home and having the freedom to do what I want when he’s not here is invaluable to me and he likes me to be at home to wait on him. We’ve got a grown up son who lives away and he’s lovely. We’ve got (detail removed by moderator )dogs that we both love and (detail removed by moderator)which all works very well. I don’t know where to start to tell you about my experiences of the mental abuse I’ve lived with but mainly it’s about him being controlling and stubborn. Everything has to be done how he likes it to be done and as he often tells me when I stand up to him that’s because he’s earning the money and I’m not. He has no respect for me and treats me like an employee rather than a wife. (detail removed by moderator) years ago he left me for a woman he met at work. At the time we had a house that we rented out but it was empty and behind my back he was secretly doing up this house so that when he left he’d have somewhere to live with her. Just a few days after he left he was saying he’d made a mistake and that he wanted to come back but I said no, that I was happier without him, which was true. After (detail removed by moderator) apart though I gave in and took him back but things didn’t get better for a long time. Just recently he met another work colleague,(detail removed by moderator)(staying at a hotel) I don’t know if anything happened between them. They were exchanging emails as far as I know for work purposes and having a good laugh together. I said to him that I was worried that the same thing might happen as did last time and that I didn’t want him to be so friendly with her because of that and he told me to “stop trying to dictate what I do and who I talk to” and basically told me that it was nothing to do with me, adding “she’s got a boyfriend now anyway”. I didn’t say anymore about it because I’d be wasting my breath because he’d just ignore me or twist everything to make out it was all my fault anyway, but he did cool it with the emailing etc. as far as I know. (detail removed by moderator) we were having to share his mobile phone because my sim card wasn’t working and, trying to be helpful, I innocently re-arranged the icons on the home page so that he has quick access to the apps he uses the most. I thought he hadn’t done it himself because he hadn’t had time or didn’t know how. When I told him he nearly hit the roof and shouted “You what? Don’t you ever f****** touch my stuff again!” I was shocked and scared and he stayed angry, not speaking to me, all day. That’s a good example of how he treats me and things like this happen weekly. So now I’ve told him that I want to split up and he says that I’ll have to leave, not him. But I don’t want to leave my house and our dogs and my dad.The main reasons I’ve continued to stay with him are the dogs and my dad and the money he earns, there I’ve said it. I feel horrible saying that but it’s the stark honest truth.

  • #8246
     Ayanna 
    Participant

    Hi, I am new. I fled domestic abuse not that long ago. I tried to get out for a while but I did not receive the help that I needed and had to stay and wait for the right moment, that was when I was almost killed.
    After fleeing I was all alone. I had no help. I begged for help. But I was refused help. So, I went through everything all alone. It was hell. I was almost homeless and got persecuted badly. I did the Freedom Programme during this time and this made me understand a lot. I never had time to grieve. I was utterly stressed out for a very long time. I was dragged through the courts and retraumatised excessively for a very long time. I did not die. My health is compromised though as a result of the institutionalised abuse. I am not allowed to have counselling. The NHS in my area does not support women who fled domestic abuse and have no kids. I have no kids because I suffer from a lifelong chronic illness. I am disabled, but the NHS refuses to help me with my disability. I am all by myself and I do everything alone. There is no help for women like me. I am an outcast.

  • #8247
     White Rose 
    Participant

    Hi Ayanna
    Sorry to hear things have been so tough.
    The reason womens aid is here is to help where no one else seems to.
    Pick up the phone and talk to someone, there should be help for you.
    Plus you’ve found this forum so share your bad days and your good and we’ll support and help you too. You dont have to be alone x*x

  • #8253
     Ellen b 
    Participant

    Hi I’m a newbie
    I’m going through a bit of a rough patch its coming up to the anniversary of the attack that finally ended many years of abuse and I’m sure my head is going to explode I’m in the (detail removed by Moderator) which will see me leaving my family home of (detail removed by Moderator) years (my choice it is the place of too many bad memories) and moving in with my new partner ..my flash backs are back and seem worse then ever im so jumpy and i freak out so easily today in a cafe a man came up quite quickly to get the newspaper from the shelf behind me I froze and my poor partner is on egg shells around me he is very understanding and is one of the few people who know the whole story most just know of the final attack (detail removed by Moderator) doesn’t help when u trying to do what I’d done for years and put on that smile and pretend all is well…I have so many thoughts in my head I could do with Some way of siphoning them out..iv tried to write them down I’m sat crying don’t know where to start

    • #8334
       Ayanna 
      Participant

      Thank you for replying White Rose.

  • #8256
     Falling Skys 
    Participant

    Hi Ellen B

    Well done for posting, getting out of a bad relationship and getting in to a good new one.

    Think we are all wonderful actresses (we would all get Oscar’s), but now it the time to stop acting and become the woman you should be.

    Had you spoken to a professional about what your going through? You could be suffering from PTSD, a lot of us survivors are.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, take it step at a time. Sometimes I think when we are in a safer place our minds let out what we have hidden for years so we could cope, but now we have to face it.

    Good luck and keep posting .

    FS xx

    • #8267
       Ellen b 
      Participant

      Thanks fs
      So many people didn’t have a clue my mum still doesn’t belive so I probably do deserve an Oscar ..the gp was supposed to be arranging counseling for me but its been sdo long iv given up ..I think you are right about hidden memories iv forgotten so much of what he did I suppose it was the only way to cope I had a really bad reaction to my new partner being behind me on the stairs he touched me in the back I really freaked out full flash back to me being pushed down stairs and my ex then catching me by the arm how can you possibly forget that but I had …one of my worries how much more have I got to remember and if I can cope and the effect on my new partner its horrible for him too
      Xx Ellen

  • #8292
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Ellen,

    Welcome to the forum, well done for being brave enough to post. It sounds like you have been carrying around a lot of trauma for a long time and now it is probably time to deal with it. I know that it can be a long wait for NHS counselling but something that I think could really help you is a course called ‘The Freedom Programme’. Many of the women on this forum have done it so you could ask them about it. It’s a great opportunity to share experiences and learn about abuse and abusers. It’s a great experience and many women talk very highly of it.

    In the mean time keep posting and sharing how you are feeling. It is good to be open and talk to people who have a deep understanding of what you have been through. Falling sky is right, maybe it’s time now to stop lying about what you have been through and start being open. It might surprise you who in your close friends and family understand more than you would have thought.

    It’s great to have you with us. Keep posting.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

    Forum Moderator

  • #8320
     Princess 
    Participant

    I am a newbie, I left my partner for the last time in [detail removed by moderator], I’m currently waiting to attend court in [detail removed by moderator], let me tell you km so frightened,I have left this man so many times, (removed by moderator) I’ve been emotionally and physically battered mental abuse u name it, from a slap to rape,broken bones,strangulation, drowned head smashed on the floor punched and kicked in the face I’ve had an operation because of him. I thought this man loved me, he told me he adored me, really!!! I’ve had to give up my job and move away from my children friends, for someone to have it all [detail removed by moderator], I now have nothing, he wouldn’t let me take clothes or anything, well I’ve cried my last year, although court will destroy me I will give it my best shot, thank u for listening
    (removed by moderator) x

  • #8323
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Princess,

    Welcome to the forum. What an incredibly terrible time you’ve had, it sounds like it’s a miracle you got out alive. I am so happy to hear that you are away from him now. You are incredibly brave to be going to court you should be proud of yourself. I think the best thing to do now would be to get as much support as you can. You have already made a huge step by coming on this forum and being honest and open. Another good place to start is by calling the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They have trained support workers who can not only offer really useful information but also emotional support too. They are often very busy but if you leave a voicemail they will always call you back.

    You have made the big steps by leaving and you should be very proud. Now you just need to deal with everything else that is happening one step at a time. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to breath. We are here to support you. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

    Forum Moderator

  • #8328
     Princess 
    Participant

    Thank you Lisa for replying,
    I don’t feel brave, I’m frightened to death of going to court, [removed by moderator] I thought I was the only women to be abused and locked away. He tortured my poor little dog, I had to put him in foster care, he’s happy now, which makes me feel good. Ive taken overdoses hope I would not come through this, but here I am telling u my story,
    I have my good days and my bad, today’s a good day, I’ve started up running again though it kills me, I need a job where I am, I’m not one for sitting about. I refuse to let him win if anything I will do my up most to destroy him, but its a good day today may feel different tomorrow
    Thx for listening to my ranging sorry xx

  • #8422
     White Rose 
    Participant

    Hi Princess
    Sorry for what you’ve been through but glad you are safe.
    Keep in touch with us here especially when you’re having a wobble.
    I’m glad that you can recognise the good days – keep focussed on them as they will get more frequent.
    And remember no matter what you think you are brave and stronger than him
    Take care x*x

  • #8432
     Princess 
    Participant

    I think this is a bad day for me, and feel like xrying, I’m trying so hard to sleep but every time I close my eyes, I see him, housing me prodding me, it feels so real thts he’s actually there, I feel I’m going mental, is this normal, I just give up I really do
    Xx

  • #8445
     White Rose 
    Participant

    Yes it is completely normal and you are not going crazy!
    We all get flash backs and it seems even those out for years can be triggered by events.
    I wake up in a panic sometimes expecting him to be there by me and it took me ages to feel relaxed opening my own front door. If I smell his aftershave on someone I come out in a cold sweat!
    I’d suggest you post again under a specific topic -( bad day may be best!) and maybe tell a bit more of your story if it helps to share. I think posts get seem better there than in this section and you will probably get more replies and more support.
    Just make sure it’s anonymous and you don’t give any specifics that could identify you. It seems impossible to do this at first but it’s not. just make sure you read it before you click send.
    It’s tough but remember youre not alone its not ypur fault and you are stronger and better than him xxxx

  • #8467
     Princess 
    Participant

    Thank you hun I’m new to all this and don’t know where to go, but thx for ur advice it means a lot to me xx

  • #9780
     Nomorenomore 
    Participant

    Hi I’m new! I have 4 children and been with my partner for 14 years. I never thought this would be the journey but it is so I am dealing with it. Started off great (doesn’t it always) then came the mean words with an explosive temper….then the personal comments….then shouting in my face….then pushing up against the wall while screaming abuse at me….then holding my wrists while doing the shouting stopping me leaving….then shoving and throwing objects at me….then pushing to the floor and grabbing my face so hard….then throwing to the floor and the odd kick or hit…..ending with a full on 10min attack of continuously punching kicking banging my head against the wall punching in my face repeatedly. So I guess this is why I’m here. This was a slow decline over 10years. So ladies here is the flow chart if you spot your abuse you will see where it will travel to next. Get out x

  • #10657
     mummysgirl 
    Participant

    I’ve typed deleted typed a hundred times I really don’t know what to say .I’ve been with husband (removed by moderator) married (removed by moderator) I think I knew from the start he was a controlling bully but I thought I could change him. In the begining he would threaten to tell my mum and family personal things I had told him if we had had an argument. When we moved in he would threaten to throw my stuff out the window. Yes poured numerous drinks over me tipped the matteres when I’ve been sleeping. Calls me vile names says I was s**t before met ( which I wasn’t) I did have a couple of one night stands but I was young and out having fun with my friends. He says things like you were fun before we met now your just a fridgid b***h. Constantly pressures me for sex groped me and says disgusting things that actually turn my stomach he makes my skin crawl but I’ve got to give into the pressure for a peaceful life. It’s all the small things that have happened over the years that have built up. But Christmas this year was the breaking point he was drunk and started an argument on Christmas night kept me up most of the night and I was begging him to keep quiet cause he was going to ruin this Christmas as the kids would have him screaming as a memory. I want to leave my mum wants me to leave and will give me and the kids somewhere to stay, but I feel guilty cause he has no one he’s fallen out with all his family and hasn’t spoken to them for years although I keep in touch with them. I’m scared if I leave he’ll have nothing and no one and I feel sorry for him. Sorry I’m all over the place trying to give you a picture of what he’s like. It’s like living on eggshells not knowing what kind of mood he’s going to be in. He gets angry and shouty at the least little thing like if I don’t shut a door over properly or leave a towel on the floor. I constantly try to keep the kids quiet so he doesn’t start on them . Sometimes I wish he would actually beat me so he can actually see what he’s doing to me because he doesn’t think he has a problem …I have tried talking to him and sometimes I do argue back cause I can gauge his moods now and when I can answer back and when to be quiet. He also bombards me with text messages and if I dint answer back right away I get oh that’s fine you don’t love me etc. Again sorry I’ve gone on and on but once I finally started typing everything he’s done over the years is coming back Crystal clear.

  • #10667
     White Rose 
    Participant

    Hi Mummysgirl
    So glad you’ve found this site you will find it helps.
    I feel for you. The realisation of recognising abuse hits hard.
    Phone the helpline if you can – keep trying till you get through they will listen and support you.
    Have a rant here as well you’ll be supported an also come to realise we do understand.
    You’ll find you’ll recognise more of his behaviours as wrong. Don’t panic and don’t blame yourself for any of it.
    If your mum is offering you help take it. But please try to talk to helpline first if you can. They’ll advise on what you need to do to have a safe plan in place. there used to be info on this website too (the old site) I’m sure there still is in relation to what to take with you if you do go. My mum helped me when I left. I kept dropping off bits and pieces at her house for safe keeping before I moved out and she’s been there for me every step of the way.
    Thinking of you x*x

  • #10672
     browneyedgirl 
    Participant

    Don’t know where to start. Very depressed. Told husband he has till 1st March for things to change. Some things have got better but some things have got worse. Friends say he is controlling me and I am being emotionally abused. Social services have been involved since last Summer and they say the same. I know the children are being damaged but until recently I didn’t even believe in divorce so am finding the thought of the next stage very hard. He told social worker when she ended our case 2 weeks ago he would try relate but now he refuses. When I say I am.moving out he state “nobody is moving out” so don’t know where to go from here.

  • #10677
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi mummysgirl,

    I echo what White Rose has said, I am really glad you have found this site and have been brave enough to post and be honest about everything you are experiencing. Your partner sounds terrible and selfish. It sounds like he is making you very unhappy and has been for a long time. The things he does and says are really awful and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. I know that you worry about what would happen to your ex if you left him but the fact that his family have nothing to do with him now speaks volumes. You are a caring person and so I can understand you worrying about him, but you need to put that to the back of your mind. He chooses to behave the way he does and so he is responsible for himself. I’m not surprised that has no one else in his life, the way he behaves. You need to remember that your partner chooses the act in the way he does. If he took responsibility for his actions he could choose the get help but he doesn’t.

    I think you should continue to post about how you are feeling and what is happening. Through talking about what is happening to you, you will start to realise more and more what you are dealing with. Also maybe try and speak to the National Domestic Violence Helpline. The more people and organisations that you speak to who understand what you are going through, the more, hopefully, your confidence will start to build and you can start to learn about what your other options are.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

  • #10679
     SilkyHalide 
    Participant

    Hi Brown Eyed Girl
    Welcome to the forum.
    Well done for accepting what’s happening and demanding change. My first services involvment was a number of years ago and because they incorrectly thought he was physically abusive I didn’t accept what they pointed out on emotional abuse. It’s taken me till recently to gradually accept and find a way to get out.
    They do agree to things when they are confronted with loosing control in order to regain control.
    Mine even tried to use relate to abuse me further.
    I read that relate does not really work in this dynamic. An abuser program maybe more appropriate but I would doubt he would agree to that if he’s backtracking on relate.

  • #10680
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi browneyedgirl,

    Welcome to the forum, I am really sorry to hear what you are going through and continue to suffer at the hands of your partner. Your situation sounds like it has got very desperate lately and also very stressful having social services involved due to your partner. I am not surprised you are feeling depressed. Have you spoken to a doctor?

    I understand that you want your relationship with your partner to work but something that I think you need to accept is that your partner won’t change. He might tell you that he will or even behave slightly better for a short time to try and make you stay but unless your partner wants to change and accepts that he is the one in the wrong he won’t change. You can not change him and so you are only tormenting yourself be waiting and hoping. You partner has had many opportunities to change and the fact that social services are involved and he still isn’t making an effort or realising just how serious it is just demonstrates further his attitude. I don’t want to be really negative and I understand that I do not know him, but you have been together for some time and he has not made steps to see a doctor about the way he behaves or contacted anyone. This is a telling sign.

    You sound like a great and considerate mum, you shouldn’t have to deal with social services due to him. Domestic abuse is very distressing for children, even if they are not seeing him directly they pick up on what is happening around them and often hear and see more than we think. You need to ask yourself what are you getting out of the relationship? It doesn’t sound like he treats you the way you deserve.

    I am really happy you have posted on this forum, you have been really brave posting for the first time. Please continue to talk about what is happening, the women on this forum understand what you are going through and are very supportive. You can start your own threads about how you are feeling or concerns you have and the women will respond with support. Sometimes posts on this thread can be missed by other members so don’t worry if you don’t get any responses.

    Please continue to post, I am really glad to have you with us.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

  • #10683
     mummysgirl 
    Participant

    Thank you Lisa and white rose. Sometimes I thinks everything will be ok as there us periods he’s actually alright but the changes happen suddenly like a switch being flicked. I have been to my Dr who told me it was mental and sexual abuse which I was shocked at. I phoned the helpline number she gave me and they gave me a local helpline number which I haven’t phoned yet. He tells me to leave but then says if I do he’ll go after my brother (someone else he has fallen out with) I used to hide or make excuses for his behaviour cause I was embarrassed and felt it was my fault but now he makes it difficult for me to hide it cause he shows everyone his behaviour he’s not nice and very unpredictable in social situation he’s ok dishing out banter but when anyone says anything about him he gets aggressive and can’t take it. I don’t take him to any social events with me cause of the embarrassment and his unpredictable behaviir. He beat up a 17 years old friend of my brothers at my (removed by moderator) and still goes on about how it was the best £100 he’s every spent ( the boy told the police and he got fined) is him having anger issues different from the abuse he shows me. If he got help for anger would his behaviour change. He shows no remorse and never says sorry always says he’s stating facts.

  • #11096
     pumpkin 
    Participant

    Hi there
    Am new here. I haven’t told one person about my experience as I am too ashamed, don’t like drama and find it embarrassing. However, even though th violence is never consistent and hasn’t always been often, it’s starting to get unhingingly unpredictable, with drink playing a main fueller of it. On a bad note, I got head butted, pulled by my hair and and slapped in the forehead one night last week and had to take two days off work because of the bruising on my nose and eye and frankly, because my spirit was broken. On a good note, I have been lucky enough to have time to myself and I found me again. He is a nightmare when he is drunk, stressed and anxious (with little effort to cut back even after I screamed your alcohol problem did this, pointing at my eye), it’s not all bad and he is not controlling of my life or jealous but I am finally learning that none of It is acceptable and that the bad is outweighing the good now. And of course it was my fault there was an atmosphere in the house after all this, because I was hurt, at my lowest, it was still my doing. What I cannot work out is how to leave. I am hoping that it won’t take an incredible beating for me to finally turn. We are not married and a solicitor told me I could get a court order and get him out. But Then everyone will know and I will get blamed for his demise. I would like a clean break, the end, sell the house and go amicably, is this not possible? I’ve mentioned splitting up but he won’t pursue the conversation unless he’s drunk and then just tells me to F off then. I feel for all of you out there as these people are professional, even if unintentional soul killers. Sorry to have gone on a bit. A friend of mine went through a violent relationship but I still can’t tell her. It brings more pressure somehow. Can Anyone else relate?

  • #11105
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi pumpkin,

    Welcome to the forum! Well done for posting, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of abuse from your partner and also like the abuse is escalating. You need to keep in mind that your partner’s alcohol problem is a choice. He is choosing to drink despite the fact that he knows he gets aggressive when he is drunk. He can choose to stop and get help at any point but he doesn’t. Also the things he says and the things he has done to you sound serious, please don’t underestimate what he is capable of. Please don’t wait until he assaults you badly. You don’t deserve to be treated like this and you have given your partner enough chances.

    I am really glad that you have taken the step to join this forum and talk openly about what you are going through. I understand why you don’t want to tell anyone but perhaps you could speak to your friend who has been through domestic abuse so you don’t feel so alone with this. The more people you tell who understand, the more strength you will get and hopefully you will start to feel more confident that you are not in the wrong. Remember you have done nothing to deserve this and you don’t have to live like this.

    A good step to take now if you haven’t already is to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. The more people you talk to, the more you will start to understand about what you are going through. Keep posting and reading other users threads.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

  • #11127
     pumpkin 
    Participant

    Thank you Lisa. It’s a mind trap trying to make sense of it and very strangely there is love and affection on his side on the other spectrum of all this but I do wonder if that’s a neediness and my perceived acceptance of DM makes it ok to act this way. Anyway many thanks for replying.

  • #11502
     nayuki 
    Participant

    Hello, nice to meet you all.
    My story is not very long. We met a few years ago. He was great in the beginning, but there were some signs I ignored. We were both young and I was a student at the time. We were both party animals and we enjoyed our time.. now when I think about it it’s funny, because the first time he did something I’d now call abusive happened in the very beginning and he wasn’t even drunk. He started yelling at me in the street because I did something unreasonable. He was right, but the way he expressed that was a but aggressive. I told him he overreacted and he did apologise. He gave me a red rose that day. The first and only real flower he ever gave me. Time passed, he moved to my city (we had to ride train for 5 -7 hours to see each other), to my flat. We lived happily and he found a job. But he was drinking more and more. He started pushing me when he was drunk. It was very embarrassing. One day he did something terrible. He humiliated me in front of my friends and they were all in shock . They couldn’t believe that my partner is acting like this.. after some harsh words from me he probably finally saw what he’s doing. So he improved a bit. I got pregnant. In the end I was very upset and afraid of our housing circumstances and also wanted to relax a bit but he started drinking a lot as he changed his job and I think it was due to stress.. anyway one night he would push me when I wanted to go out.. two weeks later our daughter was born. He was great in the beginning but alcohol soon came back on his mind. The first and only technical hit. It happened one night when he came back from work, drunk. I was making formula for baby and I couldn’t stop it, I told him I have enough of being a lone parent in a relationship. Well – he made his argument hard. Few months later we separated. I have a job, our daughter is growing.. I have self esteem issues. He wants to go for therapy and keeps saying he wants us to be family again. That’s a brief version of what happened. I hope I can talk with all of you and understand more.. thanks for reading..

  • #11697
     Sunnybynature 
    Participant

    Hello I’m new here , I’m (detail removed by moderator) years old and had been married for 20 years to a wonderful man but I was feeling ‘ is this it ‘ we’ll talk about be careful what you wish for. I leave my husband for my now second husband .he is the most disgusting human being I’ve ever met.he is an athlete , takes steroids. He’s moody abusive and nastier to me than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel like I’m going slowly mad. So far I’ve spent a night in a police cell, the fact I called them seems irrelevant although it was because he was abusive. He told them I had caused criminal damage to his property and had me arrested.hes pushed me down the stairs, thrown me around like a rag doll and stuffed papers in my mouth whilst he pinned me down on the floor. He is 16 stone I am 9 stone. He calls me a no good piece of sh… Says I’m thick, that I’m not all there and that I need help. I know it’s him but I just can’t leave, what’s wrong with me?

  • #11705
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Hi Sunny By Nature,

    I think by this stage of the game,it’s not that we can’t leave them because we love them, but because too much of ourselves has been taken away or damaged for us to even begin to know how to go.

    Our self-esteem, confidence…. They’ve wrecked it so systematically, we’re like flies stuck in a web.

    The good thing is, you can see how awful your partner is. Now, you need to work on building up enough of yourself to get out.

    I am pretty sure you could get a non-molestation order out against him, since it has involved physical abuse. Call the NCDV for advice on this. He will be ordered to keep away from you.

    Then you can go about sharing with trusted people, talking, gaining advice,counselling if needed, support groups… You aren’t alone. Call the Women’s Aid helpline. Once they know which area you live in, they will be able to direct you to support.

    He sounds like a monster. Please take good care. Don’t give him any inkling that you intend to leave- this could be dangerous.

    You could also Google ‘trauma bonding’ if you feel unable to leave him psychologically/ emotionally. This tells you that you are bonded to him through fear and trauma, and offers advice on how to overcome this. Keep on asking for support. X

  • #12163
     useless 
    Participant

    hi feel like crying at the minute. wish I never brought this house now. feeling so stuck money issues mainly. mortgage. trying to keep going but all I getting is nothing back seems to care more about his mother then how I am. health as well running me down. partner cant even see I’m very Ill. gives all his time to his mother. I know very well not good at the minute but sometimes I feel more worse then she ever will. starting to hate them both I have a serious incurable illness 2 kids look after hard to say the least. glad I have somewhere to talk to.

  • #12166
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Hi Useless ( I don’t like calling you that! ),

    I can’t find your other post and haven’t yet read it, but I recall your name.

    I just wanted to show support.

    My ex was the same. I was ill and he couldn’t have behaved worse.

    In an abuser’s mind, you are there to serve them, to make them look good and to feel powerful. Your value lies only in what you can do for them.

    So when you’re ill, they get annoyed, because you’re not firing on all cylinders and tending to their every finickity need.

    You’re not meant to have needs, according to him. Just like you’re not meant to have your own interests or friends. Everything needs to be about them.

    I don’t know the circumstances of your house (I will try to look up your other post and reply to that ) but I do know that refusal to offer, or withdrawl of, emotional support is a form of abuse, and it’s hell living with a health issue and having no warmth or kindness from your partner, in fact experiencing instead clinical coldness ( I’ve been there ).

    It’s so important that you reach out and ask for help and support from different places- Women’s Aid, counsellor, etc. You bedclothes to feel connected and listened to by those who understand.

    Women’s Aid will listen to the exact details of your situation and signpost you to the right help accordingly.

    If he won’t offer you nourishing support, you can get it from elsewhere. Mean, cruel man.

  • #12172
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Not bedclothes! Need!

  • #12484
     Viola07 
    Participant

    Hi I’m new to the forum. The abuse was years ago and I left my ex. I thought I had dealt with it but now I find the past has started to haunt me. My daughters adore their father and don’t want to face the truth. Their father is in hospital after an emergency op and they want my sympathy which I’m struggling to give. His abuse was violent for (detail removed by Moderator) years along with rape, being punched and putting up with his women. He got into trouble with the law on some very serious charges. He kept the matrimonial home due to a useless solicitor who failed to get me any maintenance for myself. In the past when our paths have crossed I still felt that intense fear in my stomach. The anxiety is not good at present and every time I see my daughters they talk about him and say I should realise how touch and go his survival has been. Any advice as to how to cope with this situation I would be grateful for as I realise he has been ill for a while and the disease will take him at some point.

  • #12526
     White Rose 
    Participant

    Hi Viola07. Sorry to hear you’re having issues with your daughters. This sort of thing must happen lots in divorced families and regardless of the reason behind divorce not everyone is going to feel empathy or sympathy with an ex.
    The only thing you can do is support your children when they worry about their dad and his illness and eventually they’ll grieve for him. You can care for them without having to be involved with him. They are probably old enough now for you to be honest and say your feelings for him aren’t the same as when they were children and acknowledge they are upset.
    Gentle honesty may be better in the long run.
    I hope things feel better for you soon.

  • #12569
     Nobody 
    Participant

    Hi everyone/anyone

    This is my first post, this is my first time talking about this.

    I don’t even know if this is the right place, I don’t know if I’m helping myself or not.

    I feel like my partner has changed a lot since I found out I was pregnant. But it has been a very long time the way he is with me.
    So I don’t know where to start but here goes;

    I’m disabled, I have a lot of chronic and painful conditions. He doesn’t seem to ever want to listen to me, no matter how much I’ve begged, sobbed, broken down and tried to tell him if I’m upset or hurt he doesn’t want to listen, once I was suicidal because I know he doesn’t love me, and he still said what ever I really don’t care. I have had a water infection this week, I’m [detail removed by moderator] weeks pregnant and have severe morning sickness, and looking after my child who is off school. I had to go to the emergency doctor at night because I was ill, I came home and he didn’t care what they’d said or if I was okay. I’ve been so ill I’ve been crying asking for a cuddle or some sympathy but he absolutely refuses any time of the day and I beg him. I have no friends or family. I have no help or support. He woke up and entered me sexually in the middle of the night and when I said something he shoved me and shouted at me even though I cried.

    I’m so so so so so upset

    I don’t know what to do

    I don’t know I tried saying today that he hurt my feelings and he put his hand up and said shut up and walked away.

    I asked for a kiss after and he said no I am bad.

    My last husband raped and beat me and tried to kill me so I know how it feels to be unloveable.

    There is something massively wrong with me no one can love me

  • #12599
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Nobody

    Welcome to the forum, you have been really brave to talk about your situation for the first time. Firstly I just want to say that it is not your fault that he is treating you this way, and you are not unlovable, the reality of your situation is that your ex-husband and also your current partner are both very abusive and controlling men.

    It sounds like you went through so much with your ex and it must have been so difficult to get away from him, and now your current partner has become more and more abusive towards you since finding out you are pregnant. He sounds completely unsupportive and uncaring, and I bet he only ever considers his needs, never thinking about if you need help or support, or even just some affection. This is not because of you, this is because he is a typical abuser and his needs will always come first. Now you are pregnant he will be escalating his behaviour because he knows you are in a more vulnerable situation and he will think he can get away with this.

    You deserve so much love and support, you sound like an amazing mum, looking after your child whilst dealing with all your health issues and having to deal with his abuse on top. It’s no surprise you are feeling so low, anybody would if they were treated like this.

    There is lots of support out there for you, I hope you find this forum a safe space to get support, exploring and posting in other sections on the forum can be the best way of getting your posts noticed and replies from other survivors. I would encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline in confidence and speak to a helpline worker on 0808 2000 247 they can offer emotional and practical support. There will also be a local domestic abuse service in your area which you can find details of by clicking on the ‘Find help locally’ bit on the right hand side of the screen.

    Take care and keep posting

    Lisa

  • #12986
     Me2015 
    Participant

    Hi I am new to the forum and feel stupid when telling family and friends what I have been through. It is only when you hear it out load that you understand just how controlled you were. I am now divorced after my ex had several inappropriate relationships with other women right under my nose. I was made to feel old, overweight and not worthy. He is a compulsive gambler, has stolen my personal sentimental jewellery, left me in debt and is trying to emotionally upset my youngest child. He makes me feel I have no say, no choice and is using my youngest to hurt me for divorcing him.i am on anti depressants, working full time and trying to stay strong. I feel the torment will never end.

    • #13037
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Me2015,

      Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the Forum a supportive place with others who understand about what you have been through. Explore the other sections on the Forum when you can, you might find some posts really helpful as well as posting under different sections for support.

      It is great to hear you are no longer in the relationship but it must be so difficult to still feel trapped by him. You are being so strong for your family. Have you got any support? Your local group can offer ongoing emotional and practical support which you can find here. The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is also available should you wish to talk confidentially. The Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247. They can be a listening service, signpost you to other useful organisations and discuss any options available to you based on your circumstances.

      Keep posting to us, there is support here for you.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

  • #13901
     Tiredofbeingscared 
    Participant

    Hi
    I am new to this forum and just trying to get to grips with everything that is happening. My sons dad and I got together when I was (age removed by moderator) and he was (age removed by moderator). If I had known then what I know now then I would have seen the signs straight away. He slowly stripped me of any self esteem I had (which was not a lot) and managed to get me in a position where I was too terrified to even tell my friends and family. In the first few years of the relationship I found out he was selling heroin which later turned into an addiction to both c***k and heroin. He would take the the little money I earnt every week and dissapear with my bank card for days on end. If he ever returned he would sleep continuously leaving me with with our baby son alone and desperate. I remember I asked him to look after our son and I returned home to find him asleep and my son covered in his own poo where he had just been left in his cot. My ex was extremely psychologically abusive. He made me feel ugly and like no one would want me not even my own family. He even said to me once that if I was ever raped he would not want me anymore. He was violent about 5 times throughout the relationship. Smacking me round the face, threatening with a knife, kicking me on the floor and strangling me. I was terrified. I knew he was into drugs and he knew some scary people which he threatened me with should i ever take his son away. He stole various items from me and sold them for drugs money, not to mention not paying any of the bills and leaving loads of debt under my name. This included forcing me to take out large overdrafts so he could also use that money. He was never there for our son and and I was a young mum so it was all very new to me also. What im about to say next Ive never really talked about but I want to get it out. At the beginning of the relationship he would force me to do a certain sexual act that I really did not want to do. I went along with it because it made him happy but it makes me feel sick and ashamed. In the (detail removed by moderator) year of our relationship I told him to leave because he smacked me so hard i blacked out. He left but again threatened to cut me to pieces. Its now (detail removed by moderator)years on and he has been seeing our son but various things have happened that are not acceptable, for example leaving him outside a betting shop when he was (age removed by moderator) and sleeping all the time when my son visits. I tried to get on with him but i realise now he has never stopped being abusive even if he is off drugs. He has dropped in things like you made me do all that stuff and then apologised, totally messing my head up. He says his reach is long and he can get me if I ever take his son. This Easter he threatened me over the phone saying he was going to cut me. I started shaking in the middle of waitrose and couldn’t stop crying. I had a breakdown a few years ago and have anxiety and bad depression . Its almost like he uses this to his advantage. He tried to get back with me when I was really low. I have now taken out a non molestation order against him. I am truely scared as to what he will do. He has threatened to take my son away and I couldn’t bear the thought as my son is a beautiful sensitive soul. I realise I need to stand up to him for my sake and my sons. It’s hard because my son loves him and only sees him as his daddy. I just want him to go away.

    • #13934
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Tired of being scared,

      Thank you so much for your brave post. I am sorry to read about your situation. It sounds like you have had a really stressful time. You have done brilliantly and been so brave. It is not totally clear from your post if you are still with him but sadly we know that abusive men often do not change and continue their abuse through child contact long after the relationship has ended. It sound like he potentially is very dangerous and neglectful, particularly if he is still a drug user so please do get in touch with your local Women’s Aid (you can click the ‘find help locally’ section here on the forum) for some legal advice and emotional support. I would say you have a very good case to restrict his contact if that is what you so wish and you feel contact is damaging your son. You both deserve to be happy and free from his cruelty.

      Please do know you can phone the helpline any time you wish to talk. You might also find it helpful start a new topic yourself to ensure that your post gets noticed here on the forum as this section is often not obvious to other forum users. I hope you find the forum a safe a supportive place to be.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

  • #13926
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Hi There,

    Your ex sounds so, so much like mine. Controlling, mean…

    For our 1st anniversary, I cooked him a sumptuous dinner and bought him a present tailored for him.

    He gobbled down the food, glanced at the present, then started to watch tv.

    I was hurt that he hadn’t acknowledged the day at all, and a few hours later mentioned that he could at least have done something to commemorate the day.

    He flew into a rage and went to the nearest shop, where he bought two dying plants with reduced stickers on them, returned and dumped them in front of me.

    This was portentous for the years ahead: deliberately forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, and the only present so received were reduced or damaged, literally.

    He haggled for my £20 wedding ring in front of me.

    He tried to stop me earning well, took my money, his his own, begrudged the kids anything, duped people, and after all this he is in love with himself. He was cruel to his own children.

    I married the devil.

    I have a brain, but I was damaged due to a rough childhood and I think I wanted protecting. He pretended to be this at first, but soon the abuse began. I suffered (detail removed by moderator)years of abuse on every level. I feel guilty and hate myself for having children with such a psychopath.

  • #17463
     dreamerx 
    Participant

    Hi ladies,
    I am new to the forum. I was abit unsure about signing up, but I am glad I have as I have discovered I am not the only one. For a long time I have felt as if I am the only one going through this, and like it was all my fault however reading all your stories has inspired me to be more positive about life and to stop blaming myself for what happened to me. I am happy to say that I have escaped from the relationship a little while ago and have numerous supportive friends and family around me. It is just sometimes I find myself thinking about what happened during the relationship, it’s like I haunts me. I got married to this man very young and didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I mean, of course I understood to concept of marriage however I believe I was way to young and naïve to make the decision I did. We had to go to a certain place that has different laws on the legal age to get married and me and him were the only people there and nobody knew we were about to get married. This happened a very short period after I met him. In the beginning I thought everything was fine, when he stopped me going to college and work I thought he just enjoyed spending as much time as he possibly could with me. When he made me delete all of my social media accounts I thought this was just because he wanted all of me interest to be in him. When I turned the legal age to begin driving lessons and he wouldn’t let me he had me believing that this was just because he would prefer to take me wherever I needed to go. When he labelled my body with a tattoo of his name I just thought it was because he was proud of me. When he stopped me from taking my birth control I thought it was just because he wanted to start a family with me even though in the back of my mind I knew it was way too early for this. When he stopped me from seeing friends and family he would try to justify it and explain that they weren’t good for me and they just used me. When he made me clean the whole house daily I just thought it was because he was proud of his home. When he made me do online shopping instead of going out to the supermarket or shopping centres I just thought it was because he didn’t like being out in public. When he started to forced me to eat I thought this was just because he cared about my health. When he frightened me into believing he was going to kill be and bury me in his back garden if I ever tried to escape I hoped this was just because of how much he loved me. Since I only over saw him and no other people for a very long time I became conditioned into believing everything he said and did exactly as he wanted. It came to a point where I no longer had an opinion on anything, I just agreed with everything he said. When I wasn’t becoming pregnant he started buying me puppies, at the time I thought that this was just because he liked buying me gifts. However I now can see that this was just another way of keeping me there, as it’s not very practical to leave the house with no form of transport with 5 dogs and he knew I wouldn’t leave them at the house with him as he was abusive to them too and I loved them so much I couldn’t of left them there. Since his job didn’t involve leaving the house I spent every single minute of the day with him, even if I was to get in the bath he would sit in the bathroom as I washed. One thing that I am really struggling to deal with is the sexual side of the relationship. Which consisted of him getting men to come round to the house and sleep with me, this made me feel physically sick and worthless. All I wanted was a loving cuddle from somebody that genuinely cared about me and not to be used by all these awful men. The worst part is that he would film it, which had me so worried that he would put these videos somewhere, this was another thing he held over me. I thought I was stuck there forever living this life, doing the same thing every day, but then one night he argued with me and stormed out the house in a rage and left a door key hanging on the hook so straight away I called my family explained I needed a way of getting myself and the dogs out of the house and they were there to get me within minutes. I was so scared and I feel so lucky that he didn’t come back but I knew this was a risk I needed to take and I am so proud of myself for taking that leap of faith. It was like he wanted to control every aspect of me, he succeeded in isolating me from all my family and friends and I am angry at myself for letting this happen I am disappointment that I went from being a strong independent woman to feeling like an anxious little girl. When I first met him I had plans, I loved my job and was enjoying my college course, had lots of close friends, and couldn’t wait to start my driving lessons and progress in life but when I fell into his trap everything changed. I am trying to move on with life I have started the divorce proceedings, got a new job, I am taking regular counselling sessions, I have started my driving lessons, got the tattoo covered up, started to loose the weight I put on, started taking anti-depressant tablets and I have reconnected with old friends and I am so much happier and feel so free. I just wish that I could get over this feeling and the memories and the nightmares.

  • #17798
     survivorda 
    Participant

    Hi,
    I am a survivor, and I can say that proudly.
    I never, ever thought I’d see the day when I’m looking back on my experiences and the aftermath, but I finally have taken one step forward.
    An abusive relationship led to me suffering from PTSD for the last two years, I still suffer everyday, but I am learning to cope with my environments.
    It does get better.

    • #17844
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi survivorda,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, it’s good to have you with us.
      As you say, the effects of domestic abuse are often long-lasting, but I am pleased that with time you have seen some improvement in how you are feeling. I’m sure your post will give other survivors reading this hope that life can get better after abuse.

      Keep posting,

      Lisa

  • #17923
     lost and lonely 
    Participant

    Hi

    I’m new to the forum.

    I’ve been in a mentally, verbally and physically abusive relationship for many years now. But now the abuse is now getting so bad. There’s not even apologies anymore and of course, it’s always my fault. The smallest things cause the
    biggest eruptions and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m constantly walking on eggshells, just waiting for that next awful fight. I just don’t know how to break free. I have no children yet he still seems to be able to keep pulling me back in. He also threatens to harm my parents which I think is another way of holding me back. A typical episode will be brought on by me
    A) making a mistake
    B) not being back on time
    C) saying something he doesn’t agree with
    It always starts with a blazing, torrent of abuse and then he gets physical. His favourite thing to do is grab me by the hair, and force me to double up on myself to the point where I can no longer breath. Then come the fist punches to the face and head and slaps too. Occasionally the odd kick too. God help me if I try to defend myself. Even holding my hands up for protection makes him mad and he yells do not touch me. The irony… He calls me crazy and stupid. He doesn’t see that I’m not stupid. He doesn’t see the only reason I’m stuttering and not answering him is because I don’t know what’s right from wrong anymore, I just don’t know what he expects me to say.

    I know I have to leave him. I just don’t know how.

    • #17969
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Dear lost and lonely,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the Survivor’s Forum. I’m so sorry to read what you are going through. It must be awful constantly having to walk on eggshells and fearing what is going to happen next. Abusers never take responsibility, and there is nothing you can do or say to change his behaviour. None of this is your fault and you deserve to live your life free from abuse and violence.

      You have already made a big decision in saying that you know you have to leave him. There is lots of help available to help you work out how to do it. It’s really important that you end the relationship in the safest way possible. When abusers realise they are losing control the abuse often escalates, it sounds like this may already be happening for you. Whilst I cannot tell you what to do I encourage you to prioritise your safety and not wait to find out what happens next time.
      Please have a look at our safety planning information in the Survivor’s Handbook here; https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

      I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to female support worker in confidence. She will not tell you what to do but can talk through your options with you. She can also explain about how you can go to a women’s refuge, which is a place of safety with good support. You can read more about refuge in The Survivor’s Handbook.

      Unfortunately not many forum users tend to see this section of the forum, so please consider copying your post and re-posting it in one of the other forums.

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

  • #17934
     NotCrazy 
    Participant

    Hi,
    I have been a member for a little while but have just plucked up the courage to post this.
    I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been for several years.
    When I first met my partner I thought he was amazing and everything I had ever dreamed of. I had been in an unhappy (but certainly not abusive) marriage for (removed by moderator) years and left my husband for him. I was promised a wonderful life together with meals out and holidays, which I had always wanted but never had. We have still not been on holiday together.
    After a couple of months I found out that he had been meeting up with other women behind my back and inviting people round for sex while I was at work (I was commuting (removed by moderator) miles a day at this point).
    When I found out about this (he left his phone on the table in front of me at a (removed by moderator) when a text message came through) he told me how crazy I was and how it was all in my head. He denies that this ever happened now.
    I left him to go and stay with a friend soon after, he came to my work with a bunch of flowers and would not let me out of his sight, following me around all day in the car and driving with me to my friends house to get my belongings back.
    He then criticized my friend who I do not see any more, criticised my work friends and accused me of sleeping with every man on my Facebook, criticised my family who I do not see any more to please him, basically isolated me from everyone.
    Since then things have just got worse and worse.
    Our sex life was amazing when we first met, he was sleeping with a lot of different women when we met however now he witholds sex and affection which makes me think that there must be someone else, or it is just a matter of time.
    He flirts with other women constantly, looking them up and down while standing next to me and messaging them on Facebook.
    He demands money from me as soon as I get paid.
    He keeps me awake when I have work in the morning, or tells me he just wants to go to sleep and to shut up and leave him alone, then starts having a go at me again, then says he just wants to go to sleep when I respond.
    He hides my car keys and physically restrains me if I try to leave.
    Tells me I am crazy and need therapy, that I was loopy when I met him because I was on anti-depressants, and that he made me better.
    He tells me I want drama all of the time and that I am negative, but he is the most dramatic and negative person I have ever met.
    He smirks at me, speaks in a sing song voice or patronising tone, or gets right in my face and shouts at me.
    He calls me fat and ‘boring and predictable’, I have two (removed by moderator) daughters who he also criticises constantly, although they only stay at weekends when I am there, during the week they are with their Dad.
    He shows no empathy or compassion when I am upset. He never actually shows any emotion at all.
    He says ‘love you’ all of the time as if it means anything to him, he never shows me any love.
    It is the subtlety of the abuse which makes me feel like maybe it is all my fault. I have been recording him speak to me and writing things down as I find that I cannot remember what he has said and done, I feel like I dissociate in a way.
    I want to leave and have sought support through online forums but have never rung womens aid, although I have the number saved on my phone. I feel that my situation is not severe enough to need practical support or a refuge place, but I have no money to stay anywhere and no family or friends to stay with.

  • #18130
     I am better than this 
    Participant

    Hi, I am new to the forum and have spent a few days reading through other posts. This may be a long post, sorry in advance.
    I am separated from my husband, coming up to a year now. We were together for over a decade, two thirds of that time going through IVF to have a child. He is significantly younger than myself and so a lot of his behaviour I put down to him being not mature enough yet. It became a torturous marriage full of emotional abuse that left me questioning my sanity many times. Now we are apart, I look back and realise how manipulative he actually is and dangerously so. He has been violent to me in the past, the worst time beating me up in public late one night. Amazing how no one helped me!! I ended up having to have hospital treatment the next day as my face was so badly swollen. I lied and told them I had fallen down the stairs.
    We finally got pregnant and it was heaven. All was perfect but because of my mature age, I needed extra care, especially as there were couple complications. A week before our child was born by C-section, I became very ill and had to be hospitalised. He chose to go out and stay out all night. Came to the hospital next day drunk! We stayed together.
    Our child was born, but the day after he arrived at hospital to tell me he didn’t think we should stay together as he didn’t think he loved me in the same way anymore. I was so confused. Id just had a baby and felt vulnerable and scared. My older adult children, had not wanted me to have another child because of the great health risks.
    When our child was a little over a week old, he left me. I struggled and he just used his paternity leave to party. We reconciled couple months later where I then accidently discovered he had been seeing someone else. Spoke to her! He and I decided to stay together. I thought we were finally happy and it was all ok. But last yr we split up because yet again, he didn’t think he loved me the same way anymore. Words always used when another woman is on the scene. He swore there was no one. After several months of being apart, he convinced me to start dating him again. I did. He convinced me to talk of reconciliation. Only instead of sitting down to discuss that, he told me he had lied to me and had been seeing someone else….. who was having his baby. Didn’t tell me the truth then. I found out the truth when this woman called me to find out if he had been cheating on her with me. She told me they had been having an affair for some months before he and I even split up. She was married with several children and he had been sneaking into her house for an hr or so every night whilst kids slept and hubby was away working. I was told he had used our child to meet up with her too.
    I have turned my back on him finally, but he sees our child every week. He is threatening to take me to court to have overnight access. I am fighting that because our child is in the process of being diagnosed for sensory related disorders and speech problems. Quite major things that means our child cannot cope with an overload of emotional things without falling to pieces. My husband is aware of all this, yet has decided to take our child to his new partners home. Our child does not cope well with that.
    The whole point to my post is……our child dropped his father in it at drop off time, by saying where he had been. His father accused our child of getting it wrong, it didn’t happen! Actually said that in front of our very confused child who cannot articulate that he was telling the truth and his father was wrong. His father has don’t this a couple of times now and I am slowly realising he is starting to do the same with our child that he did with me. He plays with your mind until you believe everything he says. Right down to ‘that love bite you see that you didn’t do because its ugly, is actually just a bruise’!!
    Our child has such issues and I am really scared his going to mess him up really badly. I am actually struggling to keep our child together here. He loves his dad and I don’t want to stop contact. Too scared to in case he takes me to court and wins everything.
    Sorry for long post.

    • #18184
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Dear Iambetterthanthis,

      Well done for posting. It sounds like you have been coping with a lot. The person that is supposed to support and love you, has been torturing you emotionally and wearing you down. I am glad to hear that you are no longer with him but these type of men continue to abuse us through child contact. You sound like a fantastic mum who cares deeply for her child and only wants the best for him. Have you had any support with what you have been through? A local women’s support service may be able to offer support and a lot of them run coffee/befriending mornings. You could also call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. It is available 24 hrs a day and you could talk things through with a female helpline support worker.

      It might be worth you creating a new topic so more survivors can see your post and offer their support.

      Take care and keep posting
      Best Wishes

      Lisa

  • #18170
     Anonymous

    Hi Lisa
    I’m new to the forum. Thank you for letting me join.
    I’ve been in relationship for several years, with a break in the middle, now married, second time for both of us. I have children, he none.
    He’s carried out emotional abuse, never physical (he prides himself that he’d never hit me – turns out his father was extremely violent man).
    But he is a v angry man and there’s a part of me that finds that unnerving of itself.
    He’s always been v controlling – will only do things if they’re his idea. I bought a book about bullying a few years ago – it described 12 types of bullying – he’s tried all but one (hitting me). I’ve seen him switch between types sometimes, in an effort to get his way.
    He’s so worried about other people’s views stopping him doing exactly what he wants he often lands major life-changing decisions on us, rather than discussing/agreeing them first e.g. after deciding to move in with us to build a balanced family with a good life, took a job with ridiculous working hours so never had any time with us, was permanently in a vile mood and prone to angry outbursts, and we have to do all the jobs at home.
    He’s threatened to leave so many times. Why oh why did I stop him going??
    I am the ‘bread winner’, supporting my two children from first marriage with no financial help from anyone, so this placed a ton of pressure on me.
    Took months before he agreed to pay his way, and years for him to set up a monthly payment so I could be sure the money for bills (which I pay all of) was coming. (Til this month, I’d have to ask him each month for his contribution, and be told each time I was fleecing him, asked what I was spending his money on etc. His money? I’d already paid the bills – he just contributes a bit for his share of them).
    Over the years we’ve tried to change things to improve the balance of work to family life, with no success.
    My daughter has a disability so he made a big deal at work about changing his job role so he’d have more time to support his family, help care for her, etc.
    He promptly found the money to take up a v expensive and time consuming hobby! So no more family time – even less, in fact 🙁
    He has issues showing me and the people I care about respect, is unable to be close/intimate with me, and still needs to call the shots, after all this time.
    We’ve had two holidays together – one good, one bad; friends coming round and parties are v rare (his job means he’s too tired so either they don’t happen or he falls asleep while we have guests there, which they just find embarrassing and sometimes feel they should leave early); only once have we had sex when I initiated it, always on his terms; he plays the ‘hot one day, cold the next’ game, giving then withholding affection, to keep me on my toes.
    At his insistence, I now have a lovely chunky mortgage which was 30% higher than I wanted to borrow and which I’m repaying (altho it’s in our joint names) – he’s made clear he won’t be contributing to it. Hadn’t occurred to me before that its possible to financially control the one earning the money, but it is.
    I’m exhausted, sad and confused. I often wonder is it me, are my expectations too high, etc (esp as I can see from reading other posts, he appears to be a more reasonable sort of abuser than many!)
    Whatever, it’s clear we’re no good together (Tesla wrote a song about that). And I’ve taken the step to ask him to leave, which he’s doing now.
    That’s hard, I feel strong then weak, in cycles. I’ve decided not to be here when he comes to collect the next load of stuff.
    After he’s left, he says he might want to see us a couple of times a week, to keep lawn mowed, etc, but I’m not sure I can handle that.
    I’ve cried more tears than Alice (in Wonderland) and feel quite pathetic sometimes.
    But then I remember I’ve been through years of s**t I didn’t deserve for no good reason, so a few tears are probably to be expected.
    Taking each day a step at a time, and hoping it gets better.
    Much love S xx

  • #18185
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Dear Swallow,

    Thank you for posting. I can see you have already been offering support to other survivors on the forum and that is great to see. Your perpetrator sounds like he has me me me syndrome. The world has to revolve around him and people have to go out of their way for him. He exerts control financially and emotionally so he never has to work too hard. No abuser is reasonable, their tactics may differ but it always comes down to power and control. There is no reason for you to feel pathetic, you haven’t just lost a relationship you have lost the relationship you never had. Crying helps to release the emotions we have bottled up and afterwards we can look towards the future. You could contact a local women’s support service for some face to face support but you could also call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 as it is 24 hrs.

    Take care and keep posting

    Best Wishes

    Lisa

  • #72186
     Empty inside 
    Participant

    Hi all I’m new here, I have found myself in a bit of a mess, and could just do with some straight honest answers from people who might understand my pain xx

  • #72193
     Empty inside 
    Participant

    Hi all I’m new here and am in a pretty messed up relationship, not knowing what to do for the best 🙁

    • #72194
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi there,

      Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

      I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It can be hard knowing where to turn when you are in an abusive relationship. It may be worth starting a new topic so more users can see your post.

      You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.

      For more on-going support you can contact a local domestic abuse service.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes
      Lisa

  • #72204
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    H Empty inside, welcome to the forum. Just take it one day at a time. It’s such a horrendous feeling realising your partner is an abuser, it’s so hard to accept that the men we fell in love with can treat us so badly. It’s really broken me, knowing what my husband is, that he chooses to be so aggressive and verbally abusive towards me.
    You’ll open up when you’re ready to, and we’ll be here, with advice and plenty of time to listen. 💕
    You’ve taken a very hard difficult step. You’re one step away from him, no matter how long it takes in reality.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #13936
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Healthyarchive,

    I just wanted to say welcome and thank you so much for your post here and both in offering support to other ladies on the forum. You sound like you are doing brilliantly but please know that you can phone the helpline any time you want to talk. It is normal to still have confusing feelings but you are doing brilliantly.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa

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