10th April 2016 at 10:38 am #13384Eve1Participant
My daughter has a hobby she loves and I can’t always afford it. It’s atermly fee and she wants to do it again. Ive said yes, but tried to point out that if she’s does it, then if I’m being careful with money that’s why. She said ok, but couldn’t she ask dad to help. I said he gives some money but it works much better for me if Idon’t ask him and haven’t asked him for years, as it leads to other problems.. The fee is in instalments, so I said if needs be, she could ask him later. Also my son has to have a guarantor for rent at uni. I was about to sign it but I just feel nervous as I certainly don’t have the money at the moment. He’s pretty sensible and I’m sure I don’t need to worry, but I thought, should he ask his Dad? I can see the sensible argument for doing this, he works full time and is good at saving (!!!) but my instincts, and knowledge of him as an abuser have told me for years to not let him into their lives (and indirectly into mine) at all.
He has stepped up his ‘niceness’ to daughter recently, taking her shopping, out for coffee, after ignoring her for years on his weekends with both son and daughter, so i know he’s still the same.
Don’t know why I’m wavering so much. Just need a bit of confirmation my instincts are right. Asking for anything from him probably comes at too much of a price.
Love to all
10th April 2016 at 10:45 am #13385betterdaysParticipant
Hi there eve1. Yes I agree it does come at a price. I asked my ex for money weeks ago towards his son some new clothes he told me to get f.ed of basically because I won’t jump to his tunes no more it does come at a price there’s always something got to be in it for themselves x
10th April 2016 at 4:04 pm #13405Eve1Participant
I know it’s true. I think it’s just having to explain it to my daughter and how it must sound to her that made me think twice. I’ll stick to my way of doing things. It works.
13th April 2016 at 3:47 pm #13705mixed-up mumParticipant
Hmmmmm I don’t know what to say here…….
I do HATE to ask my ex for money for anything – I just feel then I ‘owe’ him – and that HE then has the ‘upper hand’ – BUT on the other hand why should all the cost for everything fall on US as mothers – just because WE are the resident parent – they have a mother AND a father – so in cases like this were its an extra activity that costs a good bit of money, then why not share the cost of it.
In so many marriages where the mam has the kids – then the dads just don’t pull there weight with help with childcare or moneywise.
Its hard when you feel you are struggling to ‘keep all the plates spinning’ – you just cant be everywhere, doing everything for them all the time. Sometimes there is no other way but ask him for help or for money.
If he contributes moneywise – he always leaves me feeling I should be ‘grateful’ to him and thank him for his contribution – when truth be told – he is every bit as responsible for them as I am – hes their father – just as much as I am their mother – and yet does HE THANK ME for giving MY SHARE of the money – NO!!!!!
I must admit I do try when ever possible NOT to ask him for help – too much contact then – and he looks on this as us being ‘friends’ – so its sometimes better to keep your distance and try and cope alone – oh I don’t know what the answer is – I guess everyone is different – and what would be fine for one of us might not work for another.
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