This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #73344
     Daisydo 
    Participant

    Plucked up the courage yesterday to say I have had enough & want him to leave. We live in our house with our 4 children. We have not spoken for weeks, I’m sleeping in with the children & it’s an unbearable situation. He was up & down in the conversation, one second being ok, next calling me names. He says I am evil asking him to leave the home, he says the children need us together. He says he won’t go & that if I don’t like the situation, I should go! He makes me feel guilty, he makes me feel responsible for our problems. He says he has no problem with who he is, that the abusive side is just a small part of him & he can’t believe I am wanting to throw away our(detail removed by moderator) together because of it. He really can’t see he does anything wrong. He won’t take responsibility for anything. I don’t want to back down, I’ve come this far, even though he says he is not going anywhere!
    Not sure what to do now.

  • #73346
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s going nowhere and his abuse will now get worse. Get some good legal advice and see where you stand legally and financially. If you can prove you are in danger you may be able to have him removed by a court until divorce or separation is legal. If you can try to record his abusive behaviour or get witnesses to his abusive behaviour the this kind of evidence will be helpful. You should also speak to your GP and tell them how badly his behaviour is affecting your mental health. Courts need evidence so keep a journal of his behaviour and how it makes you feel. I persuaded my ex that we needed a trial separation and he moved out with the promise of date nights and sex. It was all I could think of to get him out. Trying to reason with him will probably leave you even more depressed and confused. Make your own plans. Cut him out that loop. Either make plans to leave or make plans tomhave him removed before he gets violent. Remember this is the most dangerous time for Women x

  • #73348
     she-ra 
    Participant

    Bless you daisydo. It’s so hard, I’ve been asking my husband to leave for over three years now. As I’m typing this I’m hiding upstairs crying after he’s belittled me for the dinner I’ve cooked that my children are now downstairs eating not being good enough. I just can’t do it anymore. Same old same old, he won’t leave my darling just like mine won’t. It never changes, it never gets better only worse, especially now he knows he’s losing control. I too sleep in with my children so he can’t come near me, the atmosphere is awful, I hate being in the house when he’s here and he never leaves. They will never take responsibility, how can they? They truly believe it’s all our fault. I read living with the dominator and it really helped me see it for what it really is. They choose to do what they do and trying to reason with him or have a rational conversation will never get anywhere, I have learnt this the hard way. I agree with KIP completely, make your plans my lovely without him knowing it really is the only way. Thinking of you and you’re not alone. Xxxx

  • #73357
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    This can be such a hard time. When you know, but still have to get through each day. I’ll be thinking of you.
    I asked mine to leave for years, no children involved thankfully. He would say yes with his forked tongue, and not look for anywhere, or do anything about it, and I was supposed to just let that continue indefinitely.
    He is gone now, but only because I had to call the police on him when he threatened violence. I was in the process of trying to get him removed through the system.
    Make your plans quietly, talk to the aid agencies if you can and grey rock within your boundaries.
    You’ve got this, and we’re with you all the way.

  • #73358
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You know leaving is the hardest step to take -but no woman ever looks back thinking god I wish I had stayed longer and put things right. When there’s disrespect there’s abuse. You can do this because inevitably you will get to a stage where enough is enough. Why wait? I know easier said than done but In Hind sight I wish I had made that decision way sooner than I did

    With the right support you can both so this safely.

    Much luv diy mum xx

  • #73361
     Daisydo 
    Participant

    Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Many of you have commented on my topics before & I am so grateful you have my back!!
    I wanted to give (detail removed by moderator) the opportunity to go without any legal enforcement, but I guess I knew he wouldn’t. He really thinks we can get past this. He laying there now on the sofa with a look of feel sorry for me all over his face, yet he says he is no longer paying his wages into our joint account & has hid his cheque, mixed signals!!
    I have a solicitor calling me this week with a free initial consultation, hoping to get some guidance from them.
    She-re, we sound as though we are in such similar places in our lives right now, I hope you can find the strength soon to do what you also need to do. You sound such a lovely, kind person.
    Thank you all again, let’s all keep posting & supporting each other xx

  • #73362
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Daisydo, I’ve been with my husband the same amount of time💔 He’S the evil one, not you. They have this way of making you feel sorry for them, for believing you’re the one with issues. It’s all lies. Has anyone mentioned FOG to you yet?(That’s stands for, fear, obligation and guilt) it doesn’t make living with them any easier, but it gives us knowledge and with knowledge comes power and then comes strength to leave. My oh too says he’s not got a problem, if I don’t like the way things are to leave, I know I should but I’m scared. Scared of a life without him, scared of not coping financially, terrified of being homeless and relying on food banks. I’m so grateful that we have no children together.
    They can’t understand that that small part of them is what has killed the relationship. I’m told often that what has been said and done is in the past but it never is, because he repeats it again and again. I was told he’s going to rape me recently. When I told him how abhorrent that was, how hurt I was to hear him say those words, guess what he said…. but that’s how we are, I was only joking around. Really threatening to rape someone is funny!!! He then tried to fool around a short time later!!! If it wasn’t for this forum, we’d have had sex. I wouldn’t have thought twice about what he’d said. As it was, I told him in no way was that happening, to be told he’d rape me and then willingly have sex with him, it made me feel sick to my stomach.
    You won’t back down, but you will choose your moments, I know I am. I have started the leaving process, I’m terrified that I’ll be offered a house, yet terrified I won’t. I’ve started saving up money, have more to hand now then I have in years.😄😄 I’ve been throwing things out I don’t/ won’t need in my own place. I’ve shredded loads of paperwork, have my own documents in a folder ready to lift.
    We do what we do to survive. I’ve spoken to my local women’s aid and a solicitor they arranged for me to talk to at their offices, so I didn’t have to travel too far to them. Knowing there’s help out there, that’s our lifeline. I’ve also spoke to my doctor, who recommended WA and a solicitor, plus to come and see her ANY time. I’ve spoken to
    a psychologist and attended a memory clinic. He had me convinced I was crazy as I was forgetting so much, misplacing things etc. Both appointments showed there’s nothing wrong with my memory or that I’ve depression, it is all him!!
    What I’m trying to say is, what you do next is totally up to you, but you need to know your options. Not knowing is what keeps us in limbo longer. I had to go to WA, had to find out if this relationship was my fault, had to know where I stood financially, had to know if I had depression or was going crazy. I have that knowledge now. Now all I need is thre courage to leave him, start afresh. You will get there too eventually.
    Love to you and everyone else IWMB 💕💕

  • #73367
     KIP. 
    Participant

    After I asked my ex to separate he withdrew the finances. It’s fincial control. He knew I earned a fraction of what he did. He cancelled all the direct debits including our sons club. You will need financial info for the divorce. I know it’s scary but you need to keep evidence of everything you can. Credit card statements bank statement any loans etc etc because he will lie. He will run up debt which is joint while you’re married so don’t talk any more about separation and divorce until ALL your ducks are in a row. Until you have the upper hand in this. Play along if you can while gathering evidence because once he sees he cannot change your mind this time, his abuse will go off the scale.

  • #73368
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Tell him nothing about your plans to speak to a solicitor. Give your solicitor another address to write to. It’s important that your abuser thinks everything is normal and he has control again. Do not make the mistake we all make in thinking that he is someone you can negotiate with, someone that will be reasonable and put his children first. That will never ever happen. He will be bad mouthing you to your children and anyone else that will,listen. Trying to discredit you so that when he is exposed as an abuser, you are the one that will look vindictive. I don’t want to worry you but I wish I had listened more while separating to the wonderful ladies who gave me advice. Eventually everything they predicted came true. Assault, arrest etc etc. Get out safely with help from women’s aid x

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