This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Eve1 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #99463
     Eve1 
    Participant

    My job has been in a (detail removed by moderator) , where it seems I caught the virus as I have the symptoms so me and child are having to self isolate for 14 days. One of the worst things for me seems to be the time to go over everything in my head , the past, life with an abuser that’s lead me to my unstable financial situation, how I should have tried harder to keep the mortgage. But also what’s happened recently, leaving a job because a couple of people, one of them a manager, were suddenly and without reason that I could see, horrible to me. And the same thing’s happened in the temp job I’m doing. Just before I went off sick. Ive been the for (detail removed by moderator) and I know it’s not a job I want to do permanently, which they seemed ok with and offered me a day in another department, which I did but then at the end of the day the team leader came to me and said I had to go back to them next week. Irrelevant for now as I’m off sick. But I felt like I’d upset her, and as much as I have felt that having left the abusive ex made me stronger, I’m actually still someone who can’t do confrontation , can cope well if I think people don’t like me.

    After Christmas I registered for some nhs counselling but obviously that won’t be happening fir a while , if at all. I know something to do with increasing self assertiveness would help me. I feel like I must be giving off something that lets people think they can abuse me. Or is it just that I see and am (too?) sensitive to when I’m being treated badly?

    Feeling ill and exhausted definitely doesn’t help.

    Eve
    x

  • #99468
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, sorry to hear you’re poorly. Everything looks worse when you’re ill. I found reading about assertiveness really helped me. I got a book from the library but I’m sure there’s lots online. I used to go over the abuse and how I should have done this and that differently but we are not in a place where we can make rational decisions. I’m so glad I don’t have a pathetic abuser about now. Always making things worse. You will get better and things will look up. You won’t always feel this way x

  • #99471
     Eve1 
    Participant

    Thanks KIP,

    I will have a look at that when I’m feeling better. You’re so right I definitely was not in a place to make rational decisions on leaving him and I am grateful to be free. It helps to remember that. Ive been trying to work full time and it’s been full on, which hasn’t helped, I think.

    Eve
    x

  • #99477
     Cecile 
    Participant

    I have been there. Remember one time Inhad a serious bad flu about (detail removed by moderator) years ago. Passed out, I was out for (detail removed by moderator) with fever. He did not once look in on me. WhenI came to, I thought it’s was still a (detail removed by moderator), it was a (detail removed by moderator). He heard me getting up, or trying to, and said (detail removed by moderator). I asked when he last saw me, and he said (detail removed by moderator). So there you have it. That is how they are.
    The thing I have realised is that life is full of normal challenges like illness and debt and accidents and death and job loss. Couples with healthy personalities support one another through these to minimise the stress. The men we have inflicted upon us maximise the stress. They do not just not give support, they aggravate and blame and cause disorder. The first rule of corona virus is put yourself and your children first. Do not be swayed by anything. Not even if he gets ill. Tell the police your story. Keep your boundaries clear and block him out. Keep posting on here. X*x

  • #99483
     Eve1 
    Participant

    Hi Cecile,

    Fortunately I no longer live with the abuser and haven’t for many years, not sure if that was clear from my post. I am a long time member of the forum but don’t come on here often now. I have little flurries of replying to posts when I feel up to it. It’s been so helpful to me over the years.

    Your strong message is right. I’ve just read your other post and I hope you can stay safe and well.

    Eve
    x

  • #99508
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hi Eve1, hope you recover soon, you do sound exhausted even in your written words. Cocoon yourselves for now and focus on giving yourself what you need just now – the rest you can deal with another day.

    For me, it’s very helpful to know and accept I will never please everyone – that’s just how it is – for us all – and that’s ok – it sounds like you have picked this up yourself now too – are giving this some thought, have pinpointed exactly that its time to re think and re frame this.

    I also try to always assume it is the other person having a bad day – nothing to do with me; when others lash out or are unkind – I see this as their issue, as I try to live mindfully, without causing harm and with respect for others – so when others behave in a poor way I get out of the way or simply observe in silence, in the same way I would any other spectacle I guess, then I walk away. Think the saying goes ‘water off a ducks back’ or something like.

    I avoid those who do this in my personal life, but as this is work this is not possible is it – but you can take your protective shield with you and mentally put it on for work, think this is you not me and I’m not going to allow your unpleasantness to effect me for another day.

    A good rule of thumb I use is, can I do or say anything to try and change this? If the answer is yes then I’ll act, but if it is no then I know it’s ok to do nothing, let it go and move on – infact I find this is often best.

    Be you, and give these people space to c***k on. Maybe when you’re feeling better you can start to think more about what you’d really like to be doing for work and you can set about making that happen.

    Hope you get well soon, lots of soup and movies together under the blanket for now then yes? Can switch the alarm clock off as well and rise when you’re ready – get the rest and recouperation you need -together x

  • #99514
     Eve1 
    Participant

    Thankyou fizzylem

    x

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