At my wits end and don't even know what is right anymore

[coffeepotion]

I’m writing this as I really just don’t know what to think anymore…

I’ve been with my partner (detail removed by Moderator) years ish married for (detail removed by Moderator)

He’s always been s**t and I’ve always made excuses for him, I can’t voice my opinion/feelings or anything as he flies off the handle and somehow turns it back and I end up crying or hysterical, then he makes out I’m being unreasonable. I’m not like this is any other area of my life, for a while I thought I was mad but surely if I was other people would notice it.

So lockdown V.2…. my husband is (detail removed by Moderator) and can not work, I’ve paid 80% of bills, rent and food for the whole of 2020… whilst he has claimed (detail removed by Moderator) grants etc… he’s never not been without things and out of lockdown is in the pub all the time…

He made this big speech about making a list and getting stuff done during lockdown this time and then proceeded to get drunk all weekend and lay on the sofa…. (detail removed by Moderator) I had to go in the office and (detail removed by Moderator) im working from home….

(detail removed by Moderator) he got out of bed at 12pm, then laid asleep on the sofa until about 5 minutes ago, got up made himself lunch complained about the dogs and is now watching TV

I can’t bring myself to try and explain that its not fair that he does nothing and just lays around and watches tv, I know if I say anything he will shout be defensive and probably try and twist it bring the argument back to me being fat.

I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know if this is abuse there definitely has been its not so much the him not doing things, its the fact I daren’t even talk to him about how I feel.

[gettingtired]

Hi coffeepotion, yes it is abuse because you’re having to walk on eggshells. I do it all the time now. My partner drinks/uses drugs, stays up doing both all night then wants sympathy the next day when he feels rubbish. Lays around, doesn’t take any responsibility for any finances (I’m left to sort it all), the list goes on. I like you am too scared and exhausted to even bring up anything anymore as he just gets defensive and nasty. It’s a horrible feeling so I do sympathise with you xx

[KIP.]

Hi there, totally agree with gettingtired, we learn not to question their behaviour because of the wrath that comes with that. It’s coercive control. Abuse is insidious and makes us thing we are going mad. It’s impossible to have a conversation with an abuser they don’t want to have. They know that aggression and fear will close us down and they get to do what they want. Please contact your local women’s aid. Have a look at the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You absolutely don’t need to live this way, it’s unacceptable and illegal. Abusers are parasites and suck the life from us. Try wringing a journal of all the abuse and how it’s made you feel over the years. He will never ever change but you can. What are you truly getting from this relationship?

[hop]

A few days after I’d had a baby I had to go and sign on. The woman made a huge deal of it because …..well because to her it was unheard of. The only answer I had was it’s my turn. I had to get people to mind the baby while I signed on because he was never in the house and refused to get an actual job. He used to work for drugs whilst i had to do everything. It is abuse but you’ve been conditioned to believe what he says. Talking to him wouldn’t make a difference because he doesn’t think that there’s a problem x

[Weepingwillow]

Hi . Your situation sounds similar to mine , i just get called a fat ugly C if I question anything he says or does . Mine works on and off and for years I convinced myself he wasn’t an abuser or he would work and keep me at home . It took me a long time to realise that this is his way of controlling me without having to do much . Mine doesn’t drink but he does nothing to help just criticises . Take care x

[Author]

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