7th April 2016 at 7:58 pm #13192
ive nothing. No home, can’t function, can’t get anyone to help its all just words and treat me like I’m the problem. I want to go home. I just want to go back to him and say ok do what you like (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t know how to live. I can’t work anymore. I’m being sent to homeless accommodation along with heroine addicts if I don’t go back to him. The (detail removed by Moderator) has been delayed ANOTHER week. In the meantime the kids and I are in hell. The kids are at their dads right now while my monster ex is sitting in a home he says he doesn’t even want. (Detail removed by Moderator) I’ve no fight left in me. There’s just nothing. Nothing at all but pain.
7th April 2016 at 8:09 pm #13195
Oh hun! Massive hugs! Do not give up! I know, you live in hell right now. Write to your local MP. Collect all your energy and write about the horrendous injustice you suffer. Maybe there is help out there.
Everything looks awful at the moment. Believe me, it will not remain like that. As time passes things will untangle.
In your situation it can be helpful not to work because you become eligible for free legal aid and housing.
You hit rock bottom right now. Hang in there.
Check with CAB your eligibility for emergency rehousing as you have underage kids.
You need to make your case known.
Can you not go on the news? This injustice is unbelievable. xxxxx
7th April 2016 at 8:27 pm #13199Confused123Participant
sending u massive hug, can u go into refugee while u waiting , how have womens aid advised u, please do not give up try and do things ayanna has suggested
7th April 2016 at 8:39 pm #13200
Womans aid say I can’t get a refuge because I can’t afford it because I’m still having to pay all the bills on our house, I’m currently on sick leave. I’m told I have equal occupancy rights but so does he so where does that leave me. I was going to go back tonight but my parents got angry and took my car keys and have gone. Now I just feel like they are controlling me as well. I have no idea who I am anymore. I’m starting to think I was the problem and maybe I just created this situation. If I’d just handled him better and been stronger. Now I literally have nothing. X
7th April 2016 at 8:43 pm #13202
Work was the only place I felt sure of myself but if I went back now I’d make mistakes and put people’s lives in danger. I used to be very good at what I did. I cared deeply for the people I looked after. WA say that’s why he’s been able to do this to me. So really it’s my fault. All of it x
7th April 2016 at 9:07 pm #13205
None of this is your fault.
I think your parents want to protect you from making a mistake.
Why don’t you just stop paying bills?
How would you feel to move back? Could you be there with all the bad memories?
Did you speak to Rights of Women?
Did you ask the NCDV to help you with a non molestation order and an occupation order?
I just thought, even if the police bailed him to the house, if you did say you live there and he was not allowed to come close to you, he would be forced to leave. Think about this. Ask the NCDV about this legal puzzle. Maybe you can find a loophole and get him out.
And yes, you cannot work in your job right now. You will work in your job again for sure. This time will come again.
You are in a war. You know him. You know his weaknesses.
The system is not on the side of abused women. You need to fight hard.
Always remember: you are not alone. We are here to listen. x*x
7th April 2016 at 9:11 pm #13206SerenityParticipant
It’s not your fault. He is responsible for his own actions.
You did nothing wrong by caring and trusting. In a healthy relationship, that’s what people do. He was in the wrong for responding to you in such an appalling manner over the years.
Why did your parents take your keys? To protect you? Even so, to take them and then leave you alone is not the kindest thing.
Did you call anyone today to ask about whether you are safe to go home? Is he at the house, then?
Don’t give up. This is what he wants you to do. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
I hope more ladies will give you practical and helpful advice, but in terms of your emotions and mental health- don’t allow him to get away with things that aren’t his right. I know it seems a nightmare at the moment, but you will be able to find a solution.
You couldn’t have handled him better or stronger. It wasn’t your job to handle his abuse: he should have done that. And abusers take our strength and leave us empty and exhausted.
Please believe that this is not your fault, and that you deserve to find a solution, and that you will find one.
7th April 2016 at 9:43 pm #13209NemoParticipant
it’s not your fault, i felt the same a few days ago & posted on here because i was struggling with feelings of blame. so i understand how your mind gets to that point.
stay strong, like Serenity says you deserve a solution and you will find one. Big Hugs 💟
just a thought – can you just stop paying the mortgage and leave it for him to pick up, so that you and your children can get a refuge?
i only ask because my husband just stopped paying the mortgage the day i kicked him out (thinking i wouldn’t survive financially on my own and would have to take him back – another story for another time though)… point is i got a letter saying the DD had been cancelled and i just phoned up the mortgage company and switched the DD into my name & bank account.
if you just cancelled your mortgage payments then he’d get a letter of notification and can then start paying himself if he’s the one occupying it.
there’s 2 potential solutions if you do this, because he’ll realise he can’t have his cake & eat it too and either: panic that the mortgage payments have stopped and move out of the house; allowing you to move back in; or, start making the mortgage payments himself enabling you to qualify for refuge.
7th April 2016 at 11:19 pm #13220
There’s a non mol interim order been granted in the mean time but without a power of arrest it’s worthless. I wanted to go to the house tonight so I could get some occupancy for the weekend to properly sort out my (detail removed by moderator) yr old sons stuff for his holiday with friends family on Sunday night. Yes, I thought if he goes near me while I’m there then that would be a breech of bail and he’d be arrested and hopefully not bailed to house this time. He is incredibly clever and manipulative when it comes to this kind of thing. And he lies through his teeth. His court appearance is on Tuesday but as its his word against mine then it’s unlikely the fiscal will proceed. Nobody has even been in touch with me about it. The thing is because he’s on bail to that address he thinks he can stop me getting in house…he sees it as a victory. When I ask for police support to get in they refuse saying its a civil matter. He is now pretty much camped at the house 24/7 so I can’t get in. I don’t want to stop paying the bills as they all come out of my account and it would effect my credit rating if I ever manage to move on and get another house…well tiny flat because all my money will be swallowed with legal fees. The police have made this situation a million times worse. I should never have gone to Womans aid. I should never have spoken to the police like they told me to. I’m in the worse case scenario. He’s still driving up to me causing me fear and alarm and one of these days will cause an accident and now I have no way to placate him, to get him to back off. U are right it’s war and he has an army and I have just me. I hoped if I went to the house I’d get his bail changed but my mum went crazy, said I’ve to wait for occupancy order. I have no life anymore. Everything is controlled by other people before it was just him but now it’s Womans aid, even officer and police and they all make it worse. I can’t go on. I don’t want to go on anymore. X
8th April 2016 at 1:23 am #13222
You need to speak to Rights of Women.
And get counselling from the Women and Girls Network and contact the Women’s Trust.
You need to get a lot of help to go through this.
Your mother probably means well and wants to protect you.
Also speak to the DV officer of your police department. Face to face contact is very important. She might probably be angry that he was bailed to the house.
When I fled I thought things would get better, but they became so bad that I nearly killed myself.
Now I am glad I did not end my live. My life is much better now.
The problem is that we do not receive the support that we need. Even the support services are not knowledgeable enough about our needs. We are being categorized. The better educated we are the less support we receive. If we have no kids they send us on the street straight away. If we get upset they try to hook us on drugs.
This system fails us in every way.
The less we fit into the victim picture they expect the more they fail us.
Do not let this situation discourage you.
Things will get better again.
Fight whatever comes your way.
The secret for the victory is perseverance. Do not give in. Carry on with your fight.
If the court decides something what you do not like appeal against it.
You do not have to accept anything. You can refuse to agree.
The court decisions are bs most of the time, but when you show them that you are determined you can achieve little changes. In case they do not sentence him he can still get a court order to stay away from you. That is off the CRB and only between him and the police. He would only have a CRB note if he breaches this order and has to go to court for that.
One thing I wanted to say as well is that you need to speak to the NCDV and the police DV rep yourself. Do not believe everything what your solicitor says. You need to go on your own mission as well and make your inquiries and create contacts, deposit complaints. Your solicitor does not need to know that.
I did that in my case and found out a few things and as a result fired my divorce solicitor because they were a joke. I was better off doing everything myself and dealing with the judges directly.
Hang in there. It is a long road. It is all about perseverance. x*x
8th April 2016 at 8:47 pm #13280
Hey! I just wanted to say thank you for your advice when at my worst moment. Wouldn’t say I’m feeling better but I have taken some action. I decided to go to work whilst my insomnia was at its worse. I complained to the crown prosecution service about my dealings with the police via email. I got an automated response to say they’d be in touch within 20 days. I also copied my complaint to my local mp, msp and local authority councelors as well as police Scotland. Overkill I know but….low and behold the crown office sent me an email this afternoon saying that the procurator fiscal has instructed the police to take a full statement over the weekend of all the behaviour I have encountered from him and his family so that they can consider how to proceed and wether or not they would impose special bail restrictions when his case is called. I’m praying this gets us back home although dreading being back there in a way. At least my kids will have their things and I can get the house on the market and move on. I’m praying they don’t let me down. I just want one person to tell him what he is doing is unacceptable instead of protecting him to get worse.
I met with the housing people today and I have no rights to assistance with housing benefit as I earn too much, but I still have to pay all the bills at my home. So I def can’t afford to fund two homes. The housing officer was bumbfounded that the police had put me in this position. Offered me a homeless hostel…not a pleasant one but my only option at present. I’m just praying the sherif and procurator fiscal see sense in this situation. It would be the first it has happened in this scenario but surely at some point it has to turn my way?
Anyway thank you. It’s given me a molecule of hope when I had absolutely non. X*x
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.