at this rate im going to end up on the news

[ineedtosurvivethis]

No joke.
Discontinued contact. He’s getting worse. I’m being stalked, harassed and no one is doing anything. He even asked me to go out with him to this wooded area the other night so I can see where I’m going to be buried. I didnt reply. He’s joking about how no one would find me if I suddenly went missing, infact no one would care.
I’m apparently at fault for everything going bad in his life.
I dont listen. My friends see the fear in my face If my phone rings and he is blocked but he rings on withheld. I have lost all sense of who I am now. I’ve even left notes on a Dictaphone alongside.recordings of his phone calls where he is going mental. He’s deemed dangerous by the police and marac. Nothing else has been done. He thinks he is above the law. I’m so frightened I have no clue anymore.

[KIP.]

Ring the police again. Change your mobile number. If you have recordings or witnesses the police can arrest him. I reported every single contact. Recorded the assault. Rang 999 when I saw him. Changed my number. Went anonymous on the electoral role. Put that anger into fighting back. Do not speak to him. Do not let him into your head more than he already is. You have to help the police, they can’t do it without you. I know it’s scary but every time he pushed the boundaries I pushed harder back. He gets his thrills from contact with you. That’s where he gets his sense of power. Don’t feed that x

[duvetday]

Yep, please ring the police and could you go stay somewhere safe for a while? So sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds so awful and scary. Hope things feel a bit better soon xx

[Lisa]

Hi ineedtosurvivethis,

I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have continued to experience. It is understandable you are frightened and on edge. As already suggested by KIP and Duvetday please do continue to contact the police. Have you contacted Paladin? They are the National Stalking Advocacy Service, details can be find via their website: https://paladinservice.co.uk

Keep posting to us when you can, we are here to support you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[ineedtosurvivethis]

I feel so alone. I dont know what else the police can do. He even rang up places today where he knew I would be. When I got there I got welcomed by them saying he had rung them up asking if I was there. Lucky for client confidentiality. I’m keeping below the radar. He is acting like this kind caring man to all and is a monster when its me. I havent encouraged any contact. I got a message last night from him saying he knew what time I had got back at mine and it was right on point the tine I had. I’ve recorded everything. Police aren’t concerned. In their view something has to happen first to me now for them to act. I seriously am at my wits end.

[duvetday]

I’m so sorry to hear this…. I haven’t experienced stalking but i have heard stuff along the lines of what you’re saying re police not doing much until something really serious happens. Which is crazy… Im sorry you feel so alone. Have you contacted the organisation that was mentioned above??x

[maddog]

Just wanted to hold your hand. Keep going and keep telling the police.

[KIP.]

The police are WRONG. There are new criminal stalking laws. They can take statements from the place you went to where he rang. The have the evidence that he text you. They have previous behaviour and im assuming you have already told him not to contact you again. Ring rights for women. Free legal advice. Ring 101 and ask for a senior officer in the domestic abuse unit. Contact womens aid. Ring the helpline. The police told me the same two years ago that id have to wait. That is not now the case. Make sure you speak to the domestic abuse unit. You can look up stalking laws online. You do not have to put up with this. Im also assuming you are not on social media because thats full of information for a stalker. There is also a helpline dedicated to stalking victims.

[ineedtosurvivethis]

Thank you all. I don’t think you know how much this all means. I cried at reading the lovely responses. I honestly have no clue what to do, I have done the best I can with support services and MARAC are involved, apparently I scored the highest score with it possible. He won’t leave me be whatever I do. The fact he rings places I am going to and I get told when I arrive is really humiliating and embarrassing. I seriously think he is doing this so I don’t go anywhere.
Even when I leave mine ( I know he has people watching me) he will try and call me just as I have left my street I am living on, people may think I am being paranoid but I don’t put anything past him.
When I last saw him he punched my leg, laughed and as I tried to get up he pushed me down and snarled (detail removed by moderator) and then that’s when the whole situation blew up.
I am on guard and have 999 on speed dial but it doesn’t make any difference to them, I seem more of a hindrance than anything else which makes me more despondent than anything else. I think because he hasn’t physically hurt me, a crime really hasn’t taken place.

He mocks my dead parents, he says I’m mentally ill. Even though it maybe a lonely Christmas this year (I feel c**p for saying that being tearful)
I would rather go through that, than be with him verbally abusing me infront of the kids and family all Christmas.
Thanks guys, you have been so lovely to me. I just feel extremely nervous each day.
I also have tried to log things with womens aid on the helpline and on here in case anything was to happen. May sound over dramatic to some but to me, its some kind of solace and really does help me just to make sure some things are documented.
Even though its going to be a sombre Christmas, I just want to wish you guys a Merry Christmas and a heartfelt huge thank you.

xxxxx

[Lisa]

Hi Ineedtosurvivethis,

I am so sorry for you. I hope that you have found time to have a look at the Paladin details I included in my earlier post. I agree that the Police should be being much more proactive to help you to feel safe. Please do keep them up to date particularly about the comment where he said to you to come and see where you are going to be buried as that is very much a direct threat to you and should be taken seriously. Your local Women’s Aid should be able to help you too and a refuge might be an option for you, somewhere safe where he won’t know where you are. Please phone the helpline as they can help you do some safety planning and Paladin will give you some good support too. Please phone them both and let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[ineedtosurvivethis]

Hello Lisa,
Thank you for the kind response. I tried to contact the Paladin but they say because of the increase of demand to them they are no longer taking in any other concerns until the new year. I felt extremely deflated by this but carried on. I have spoke to my local refuge and womens aid they are all supportive, they know I have to keep at minimum contact with him because he will just explode if I do anything else but ignore him. He went ballistic if I didn’t even send him an ‘I’m fine’ text throughout the day the other day.
I know the lengths he will go to if it goes to no contact indefinitely. I now have one phone dedicated to just his messages and calls so that they are logged and have another phone for family and friends. I have had to act like stealth with this, I need to be up and above my game before he strikes again.
I am extremely fearful about this whole burial thing, I think he knows its my biggest phobia. He says he has cleared out a part of his garden and pointed to under a random slab of a paving stone in the middle of his garden to show that is also a burial ground also for me, but this was a while ago. I think he wanted to see the fear in my face, he gets a kick out of it.

I will try my best to maintain my safety throughout the next couple of days. I worry constantly if anything has been tampered with my car, I must look crazy to all when I walk around checking it daily. But I don’t care.

I must say a huge thank you though for being so lovely. You don’t know how much you have helped me. It means a lot.
Hugs x

[Ayanna]

Tell the police that your blood will be on their hands if they ignore your cry for help. And tell them everything what he does and says, just everything. Call them everyday several times, after every incident and tell them every time that you fear for your life. Tell everyone around you what is going on. If the does this precalling again when you go to a place tell them that he is your future murderer and he is going to kill you and the police refuses to help you. Just make everybody aware and tell them in the worst words how scared you are of him and that he showed you already where he will bury you after killing you. Make a fuss about this as much as you can and plead to people to protect you. The more people know about this the better it will be for you.

[ineedtosurvivethis]

Hiya,
I have tried this with all around here, but after his huge smear campaign people will just think I am crazy like he has made me out to be. If I go around saying that stuff it will merely just clarify everything that he has said to make me look absolutely mental.
He isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but he is very sly and cunning when it comes to things like this. I mean does he just wake up in the morning and think ‘ yes I am going to make her life hell today’. To meticulously think all this stuff up is just craziness in itself.

I know something bad is going to happen, I can feel how b****y tense things are at the moment.
Police don’t give a s**t, they are only bothered about whether anything is happening physically, even the MARAC meeting said that the police haven’t done enough, they do have blood on their hands already and told me to just draw a line under it all with my ex and walk away (which I have done).
Thing is there are so many things here for it to be coercive control with the police, but they really just don’t care. To them, its only a statistic and they are only sorry when something does happen, its a sad sorry state of affairs when we look at these people to protect us and in reality they really don’t care.

I’m lost if truth be told.
x

[Ayanna]

(detail removed by moderator)
Watch Youtube videos about self defense techniques and practice them at home, just imagine you fight with an enemy and you need to save your life.
Think of ways to fight and survive with the help of these videos.

Abusers are cowards and when they are badly counter attacked they mostly do not win.
Also, think of things you can carry which are not obvious weapons but which can save you should he attack you.
A can of car paint is great to blind an attacker.

The police often does not give a s**t. Make sure you always call them and get a case number so that you have proof how they let you down in the case you need to fight.

I keep my call history in my phone too.

[ineedtosurvivethis]

He has guns and knives and other weapons. He is bigger than me, I’ve tried to get away from him before only to be pinned against something by my neck. I have recorded and screenshotted every message I have had.
Police dont care. They only care when the s**t hits the fan and then the apologies start. They look atme with such distain that I don’t even feel like going to them. I’m just labelled as the lady hwo has an issue with her ex. Not really the best thing when its him who has the issue with me. They laughed off the burial in the wood comment and said he is a bully and really wouldn’t do that. I wonder If they would think like that if it was someone they loved who was scared and trying to get away from someone who is intentionally trying to harm them.
End of the day I’ve done my best.if anything else was to happen then I’ve tried.

I don’t think anyone can gauge the fear i have of this monster.
Thank you for being so lovely and supportive x

[SunshineRainflower]

The level of support you are getting from the police is shocking and is not right at all, they are not doing their job. Are you speaking to the domestic abuse team? Can you escalate it in any way? It just feels so wrong that they are not supporting you in the light of so much very worrying evidence. I’m very sorry you are going through this, I can understand your fear as I feared my ex too and he harassed me but he hadn’t got anywhere near the stage yours has got. I got police to issue him wth a harassment warning, have they done that yet? Is there another police force or team or officer you can ask for help? What do the helpline say?

[ineedtosurvivethis]

My ex loves my fear. I have spoken to the police they say they cant do an harassment order now until after Xmas and for that something has to remarkably happen. They have the messages they just don’t want to do anything. Yes, its that bad. As for self defence I know quite a bit. I have been out all morning too scared to go back.
Thank you for being so kind to me.
I dont know what to expect these next few days.

[Ayanna]

When he has guns and knives you can make the police search his house and arrest him for possession of weapons.
Not all guns will be registered for sure.
A tip off and he is arrested.
You can do this through the anonymous crime stoppers and pretend to be an anxious elderly lady from the imminent neighbourhood who has seen him doing things several times …..

[ineedtosurvivethis]

He said he will know if I go to the police and will kill me if anything like that is reported it will come straight at me. He’s very sly in that way. He’s been reported for weapons before and I got the blame. I’m stuck in that respect. X

[Anewbreath]

Hi I needtosurvive this, I am so sorry to read of what you are going through. Is it possible for you and your kids to get away for awhile to someplace safe? We are all very much worried about your safety.. Can you each pack a few basic things in a backpack and leave, just until perhaps the new year? He will think twice to show up if you are somewhere with others…Whatever you have for personal protection, is it something you can use before he is close enough to touch you??. Have you tried to enter a safe house/ refuge? At least until you can get some help from some of the other agencies.

[ineedtosurvivethis]

Thank you that’s so kind to read. I’m frightened too. He just rings and rings my house phone and this other phone I’ve been given just to ring for evidence. I’m apparently a prostitute because I went out with friends. So anything I do is wrong. I dont care anymore. I’ve stayed away. He is on the point of doing something I can feel it. I have made sure I’m away and that’s.going to happen until I move. He keeps posting Christmas cards through my door from other people but its his writing telling me I’m being watched. He will get himself into trouble before coming anywhere near me. Thanks guys. I would be a mess if I didnt have your support x*x

[KIP.]

There’s more evidence for the police that he has been to your home. You can ring them again with new evidence. Don’t give up. Keep,reporting every incident as it builds a bigger picture for the courts. Change the house phone number.

[duvetday]

Hi ineedtosurvivethis,
Just wanted to add my support again… ♡ I’m so sorry you are having to go thru this and you’re having the shittest response from the police. It doesn’t surprise me tho. Sorry that Paladin weren’t able to help. Maybe keep ringing them and emphasise how scared you are atm. I think going to a refuge sounds like a good idea. It may give you some much needed breathing space. x

[lover of no contact]

Hiya,

The fear is awful. Can you get hold of ‘The Gift of Fear’ book by Gavin de Becker. He describes how to deal with people like your ex who stalk and refuse to let go. Also keep posting for support. He is behaving like this with his off the wall behaviours to keep you in fear. Yes he is getting off on your fear. This book will help you.

[shine bright 2]

Hi there,
I have been through this. I was stalked relentlessly. My ex is in prison. I’m not sure where you are at with things but I just wanted suggest a couple of things.
Firstly for harassment and stalking you have to show a pattern. Report everything, keep things and record things. Write dates and times.
If you haven’t got a non molestation order make sure you get on with power of arrest attached to it.
Also local police can be c**p. Talk to the Domestic abuse investigation unit. I have found them to be really good.
For me it was a long and painful process and he was charged with harassment stalking and other crimes too. Police told me.to.get cheap cctv on house. A detterant but also evidence. If u can provide evidence of stalking they can get u an alarm or GPS tracker. My advise would be bombard them with every single thing he does. If they done a MARAC they can’t afford to screw up. Not sure if any of this helpful…but just based.on my experience.

[maddog]

How are you bearing up, Ineedtosurvivethis? I hope you are safe. Thinking of you.

[ineedtosurvivethis]

Hey Maddog and others,
I am bearing up alright. I was at the brute brunt of his behaviour again, he is getting paranoid because I haven’t been intouch. Ive kept a diary, kept out of his way but he always seems to get a frightening message through to me. I am immune to all of this at the moment. He cannot say or do anything that will instil the fear into me again.
He is acting all nonchalant with everyone, still the loving man of the village where butter wouldn’t melt. But I know this façade will soon fade, he cannot endure more than two hours of good behaviour.
I’m still intouch with MARAC and the WA of where I live and they have noted everything down I have told them as I just need that back up. I have kept out of all the flying monkeys smears and just tried to get on with everything. Yes, its been tremendously hard and Ive cried so much but it had to only go this way because I was starting to lose myself and was most likely going to end up being buried somewhere because his meticulous planning and telling me was so insightful that he was thinking it. I know what he is capable of.
Sorry I haven’t been able to update, I have just been keeping a low profile, I can’t really do much at the moment with getting any attention, I just feel a little trapped but I guess its better than how trapped I was feeling before. There is no going back.
Even people at the gym are keeping an eye on me because they can see how fearful I am.
No contact has been the best way forward. I just want him to leave me alone now, I wish nothing for him but to get someone else and be happy because he was toxic when we were together.
I cannot thank you all enough for the love and support you have given to me. I would be lost without it all and probably back in the prison which he calls home.
I will update more if I can, I’m trying to keep a low down on any activity at the moment as I don’t know what he is capable of since he cannot get to me physically.
Love you all guys xx

[lover of no contact]

Hiya,

So glad the no contact strategy is giving you some relief. If you persevere and show you can resist all his attempts to hoover you back in (and yes that includes the flying monkeys=which I find hard to avoid but it has to be done for our sanity and safety)..eventually and I say eventually as it may take a lot of time he will move on and secure another intimate partner that he can put in fear to get his ‘high/fix’ from. Just as he will persist in pursuing you, you have to show you can resist his pursuit of you.

Abusers like to conserve energy so if you are too hard a target to make contact with he will try to break in an easier target that will require less energy. Another reason why the abuser always has his army of allies/flying monkeys/lieutenants/coterie. They manipulate others. Then sit back and watch them do their dirty work (hurt us, cause us distress). This saves them energy and time. Abusers never act alone. Oh no they always have to have a little harem.

At the moment he probably doesn’t want to waste the time/energy/expense he has put in into getting you where he wants you so he can get easy ‘fuel’ from your distressed emotions. But if he sees the game is up with you, he has lost control (we show this by our No Contact) he will move on to find new supply. He can’t go too long without ‘fuel’ and intimate partners provide the best fuel (better than his family’friends etc). He needs our fuel(our fear, worry, distress) to feel powerful. So if you’re staying No Contact that means his ‘fuel’ supplies are on the wane so he will have no other option to break in some new unfortunate victim. As they do he probably has a few women in reserve that he will upgrade to an intimate partner if he can’t get a reaction/emotions from you.

No Contact is a real life-saver. That’s why I chose it as my name. No Contact gives us our freedom and life back.

[Author]

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