At wits end

[Darknessallaround]

I feel so alone with everything. No family. A couple of friends whom I never get to see (email/text only). I used to work full time but since losing my job and then covid, I rarely go out (bordering on agoraphobic now).

Have emailed Women’s Aid before which helped a little, but really difficult to arrange to be able to speak to someone on the phone at a set time, and going out to an appointment would be impossible.

I speak to a private counsellor who understands about the situation I’m in; but I live in fear of that being taken away from me at any moment. Every week I am on tenterhooks whether I’ll be able to talk to her or not. She is the only person I ever speak to irl apart from my H, and totally understands my situation. But that’s all she can do, help support me in my daily life from a distance. I’m the only one who can make a decision about what to do and make it happen.

Carer Forums don’t get what it’s like to be a carer to an emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive person, and I’m not sure they’re not the right place to talk about this stuff anyway.

I don’t know if anyone here gets what it’s like to have the responsibility of being a carer for their abuser. It’s not as simple as ‘just leave’. There’s a whole load of feelings and emotions mixed up with the practicalities and responsibilities. I’ve got health problems too but am still expected to care for him and do everything else in the house.

I’m so tired of it all. I don’t know what to do or how to cope with this anymore.

[Lisa]

Hello Darknessallaround,

Thank you for sharing this, I can really hear how alone and trapped you’re feeling at the moment, it sounds like you’re trying so hard to find options and connection, and it’s good that you have your therapist to speak to at least.

Being a carer for your abuser must add many complicated layers to the situation and I imagine it feels like there are so many barriers in the way of leaving, we understand it’s not straight forward.

Do remember that you can reach out to the Women’s Aid webchat if you have a safe opportunity to do so, to talk to a support worker about what you’re going through: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

I hope you’re feeling a little better this evening and have managed to find ways to take care of yourself today.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Bananaboat]

Just wanted to say hello and encourage you to post on here, you’re not alone ❤️ I watched my mum caring and it’s so so hard, isolation is very common in those circumstances even without the abuse on top! It helps to find something that’s yours if you can, that might be reading a book, baking or 10 mins in the garden, might sound daft but these moments help your mind so much. A little escape in the hellhole. Don’t give up, listen to Lisa. x

[ILoveCats]

I understand, I am also effectively a carer to my abuser, it really makes it more complicated. I feel guilty thinking of leaving him to fend for himself, and sometimes I wonder if what he’s doing is really because of mental health problems or just a good excuse to get his way. I find myself exhausted trying to analyse and separate everything each day and it makes me angry and resentful.
He doesn’t work so we’re together all the time, it’s been suggested to me by a women’s aid worker (via email) to arrange a private GP appointment to speak face to face, is that something you could do? They have a surprisingly long list of ways to help.
Hugs to you.

[Author]

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