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Hi,
I want to know will it ever get easier to let go after an abusive controlling relationship? Will I ever be able to let go of that trauma bond?
It has been just over (removed by moderator) months since I got the courage to leave. I thought I was doing rather well until recently I have hit rock bottom. Every day I think about him, our relationship, what it used to be and what it should have been. Ive gone through the angry stage, now I am at the crying and missing him stage. It was toxic, but for some reason, I miss him, want to talk to him, see him and all of that rubbish. I blank out the bads times and remember the good times and part of me wants to go back.
Am I broken?
Will i ever stop feeling like this and I am exhuasted by it all and I don’t know what to do!
Anyone else been through this? -
I am just over (removed by moderator) months since ending it. It’s our anniversary (removed by moderator) and I’m really struggling. He is desperate to be back together and has been the man he was at the beginning of the relationship since we split. I haven’t had an angry stage, I am missing the good times at the moment. I don’t think it was that bad( not physical). Counsellor says I have distorted ideas about boundaries and no model of what a respectful relationship should look like. I know he loves me though- he is distraught too. I see him because of kids and it’s so hard as it feels normal, almost surreal.
I am also completely mentally exhausted by it. I don’t even want to talk to my counsellor about it as I know she’ll be frustrated.
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Hi Lostinagoodbook,
Firstly, I am really sorry you are going through that.
I also don’t agree with your counsellor, they should be helping you, not saying that sort of stuff. I am seeing a councillor and she is trying to help me understand how I feel. Be kind to yourself.
Maybe you should have a session with anothet councillor, I had one that got fustrated at me when I spoke about an EX and now I see someone else and they help me alot better.I totally understand how you are feeling, it is exhausting
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She is very good. It might just be my perception that she gets frustrated to be fair. I feel broken too. And annoyed by myself as I wanted to end it and felt trapped so frustrated I don’t feel happier or at least sure of my decision.
It is exhausting isn’t it and I completely get the remembering good bits. I wish I knew how long it would be before it gets easier/ the grieving process is done. Were you together long? Over a decade here.
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I can so relate to these posts. It’s horrible that the person causing you the pain is the one person you want to talk to about it, the one person who used to be able to make it all okay.
How do you reconcile the bad memories and the good? I feel such a longing and an aching for him. Friends and family tell me I deserve better than him but he felt like the best.
Did you guys have silly “in jokes” you shared? Looks that only you knew what the meant? Did you laugh together and cry together and share secrets, dreams, hopes for the future?
We talk a lot about the bad times on this forum when we are trying to figure out if what we suffered was abuse, but we don’t talk about the good times and we need to be honest about what we miss so we can properly grieve. I’ve said it before on here, but buried feelings are buried alive and we need to bury them dead.
Me, I can’t separate what was real and what was the train bond…
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1234freedom. Yes all of this. So many more good times than not. So much good in him. He was the one person I felt understood me completely. I see him as different people now as I totally can’t reconcile the 2. The only thing that hits home is when people point out the different behaviour on private/ public. He had an awful childhood and I believe needs help so definitely feel a sense of abandoning him. (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m swinging wildly between complete numbness and hysterical tears. I hope after this I might have accepted it fully.
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@Lostinagoodbook I could have written your reply! I am so glad you feel like that too. I feel ashamed that I still love him so much after everything he’s done, and I sometimes feel like it can’t have really been abuse if I had so many happy times, and can still see so much good in him. I don’t know if you can relate?
I believe my ex needs help too. I always thought I could fix him I guess. He is also abusive but it’s hard when there are two things going on like illness/mental health/addiction/traumatic childhood AND abuse isn’t it?
I hope you can find some acceptance ❤️ I wonder if they think about us as much as we think about them? If things effect them like they do us. I don’t think they do…
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He does and is desperate to get back together. I am grieving but won’t go back now though it doesn’t stop the guilt/ regret/ what ifs. He either adores me and puts me on a pedestal or is furious with/ insulting me/ belittling. There’s no I between and he always puts forward a good reason for the less good behaviour. I feel I don’t necessarily know the difference between a boundary and normal ups and downs of relationships.
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The what ifs are the worst. I wish there weren’t so many good times to remember. Well done for being strong and not going back. that must be so hard with him telling you all those things. They do take advantage of our empathy and compassion for their struggles. Knowingly or unknowingly they know the excuses that get them sympathy. I’m fortunate to not have any contact with my ex at the moment, but the thought of having to eventually have some contact with him again (bc of children) is terrifying. It’s hard to see the difference between what’s normal and what’s not, especially if we haven’t had a normal relationship before to compare it to. It takes time to heal and sort out the truth from the lies…
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Hello,
It absolutely does get easier. I am years out of my relationship. The trauma bond is gone. Do I still have symptoms of trauma? Yes. But in terms of how I feel about him I feel nothing.
Everyone’s recovery journey is different and dependent upon a lot of factors. The most important (if you are able and don’t have to see him for any reason like kids etc) is to be no contact. Have distance.
As I just said in another reply, I have been through all the emotions in extremes. Extreme extremes. Time truly is a healer. And it does take time unfortunately. You’ve been through trauma, the brain takes time to process it all. But it will get there.
I now feel nothing towards my abuser except the occasional rage. Sometimes I still feel panic. I still have flashbacks. But for the most part, he’s just a part of my past. One that taught me a lot. You can heal. My trauma bond was strong, it took me so many attempts to get away. I didn’t know how not to be there being abused. Time and distance and focusing on yourself.
One thing I have done a LOT of over the years is write. All my emotions whatever they have been I wrote them all out, poured them out of me.
No matter how you feel just let it all go without judging it. Pour it out.
It helps untangle all the mess and then your brain can process it all.But yes, it absolutely does get better.
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Iv had councilling on and off over the years and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesnt. One things that helped me has been writing a diary of events, when I saw in black and white (got info from messaging we were having at the time) i could see there was not one month without a big dramatic event. That helped me remember why I left.
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