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    • #166424

      Hi everyone, I’m brand new here.

      I’ve recently been coming to terms with the fact that my wife of several years is emotionally abusive and uses coercive control. I’ve broached the subject on several occasions with professionals etc but now it’s massively affecting my mental health so I’m on the cusp of doing something about it.

      The start of our relationship was fine – (detail removed by moderator)

      She puts me down and gaslights me into believing I’m stupid or have problems with my memory. Or I’m incompetant at whatever tasks she’s given me. I don’t have a lot of energy (detail removed by moderator). When I do complete the things she tells me I’ve done them wrong or not to the standard she would hope.

      She makes out it’s my fault if I try to discuss how she treats me – very original.

      (detail removed by moderator)

      She’s the main breadwinner by quite some way although I work more hours.

      (detail removed by moderator) I plan on making my move after that. I’m keeping a diary every day to track how I’m treated and how infeel about it.

      I’d just be interested to know how anyone in similar situations managed to leave and where they have gone? I’m planning on calling the local helpline this week to find out what rights I have, and will be meeting with a family member I can stay with the same day. I may also consider a refuge if it’s an option.

      Thanks in advance for sharing your experiences!

    • #166443

      its good to hear you are going to contact a helpline – if its your local domestic abuse service then they do give you a support worker to help you with things may that need to be done
      its also good that you are making notes
      i have chronic physical health problems so know how exhausting it can be & i got out of my relationship due to the damage the abuse was doing to my mental health
      you have obviously become aware of how controlling your partner is, and seen how you are gaslighted & blamed for their abusive behaviour. and yes abusive relationship usually start off so well
      i can only hope that you are eventually given the details of a solicitor experienced in domestic abuse to help you with the property etc – mine was wonderful, went above & beyond. the only sad thing is that is it common for abusive partners to be difficult & not cooperate when you are having to sort all this kind of stuff out, as they like to try & keep control for as long as possible. also there is always the possibility of any abuse becoming worse when they do realize they are losing this control – so ensure you are in touch with people who can help with this, as you need to stay safe
      you are so lucky if you have a family member willing to help & support you at the moment x

    • #166447

      Thanks so much, MiniMeerkat. It’s so lovely to hear I’m not alone.
      Spoke with my family member today and they’re keep to support me. Have even experienced a few things at my bday party recently that worried them.

    • #166448

      everyones situation is different, individual
      i had a reason to fight to remain in the property, but living alongside an abusive person is far from easy. took me years but was eventually able to buy my ex out
      i know there are women now who are still living in their properties trying to sort things out, but it depends whether this safe enough for you to try & do, and if its something you would even actually consider
      otherwise whether you can temporarily rely on the help of a kind family member, or even as you have said consider a refuge. and wonder if its worth contacting your local council housing also, as my support worker informed me that this was a possibility for me at the time – especially when abuse was involved
      these are all thoughts for the time being
      so hopefully there are several options for you to discuss with your local da service x

    • #166473

      I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m neurodivergent with health issues and didn’t feel able to leave my situation for a long time.
      I took have been belittled and ridiculed for things that aren’t my fault. Autistic brains are awesome and I didn’t ask to be chronically unwell and have a low income.
      I’m now married to a lovely person who is very similar to me and accepts me for who I am. Going to live with that person is how I made my exit from my abusive family.
      It’s great that you have someone who you can stay with. There should be more support for people on low incomes to live independently so that they aren’t trapped in abusive homes whether with partners or parents or housemates or whoever. I was even bullied by flat’mates’ at university.

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