Avoiding dealing with the aftermath

[Janedoeissad]

It occurred to me today that I’m avoiding dealing with all the stuff I need to now I’ve left.

I have to sort the house we shared (and I’m still paying something for!), cars, half my stuff is still there and there’s paperwork I need to do.

I keep putting off dealing with it. I’m happy being far away and being happy not having to talk to him.

I want to move on though. So I will need to face this at some point.

People tell me to get a solicitor and let them deal with it but I’m not going to waste money until he becomes unreasonable. He’s been very good so far. Haven’t heard from him in weeks. So don’t want to antagonise him unnecessarily.

Not really sure why I’m posting. I think I’m hoping I’ll get motivated.

[Tiffany]

Can you start by doing the things that you don’t have to be face to face for? If he is being reasonable might he let you pick up your stuff while he is out for example? Does the paperwork need done by him too or just by you? D
I would avoid meeting him alone if you can – if you have to see him take a friend or family member. He may have another target for his abuse (I have a feeling that you said that he was abusive to his relatives like mine was) so he might let you go as it is easier to abuse others. There was definitely an element of that with mine. But if he still has half your stuff he night be hoping to tempt you back. Mine was. He became more and more unreasonable the more ties I broke. That might make starting with the hardest legal bits a good idea. Anyway, my point is, if you are tackling this yourself until he causes difficulty make sure you stay safe. Take friends or relatives with you to support you, meet in public places if you have to meet and don’t allow yourself to be drawn into any conversation not directly about the practical matters in hand. It would probably be easier just to hand it over to a solicitor,but I can understand grudging the money. I couldn’t have afforded it as an option. Keep yourself safe, but get it done. You will feel so much better when you are fully free.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks for your message Tiffany

I think starting small might be a good idea.

My family want me to not get any of my stuff back and just leave it all there but I really want some of the stuff back.

Your comment about him potentially becoming unreasonable as I cut ties has struck a chord with me. I think part of me fears him becoming more unreasonable as I start to cut ties. I think that might be the reason I am avoiding it. He’s probably very happy living in a nice house where he only pays half the bills! The minute I stop that, I think I am worried things will escalate. Also no decision or idea I ever had was acceptable to him and every discussion always ended in an argument where I was made out to be an idiot, so I think I am avoiding making any decisions or starting any discussions with him.

I think that at the moment its only half over so I don’t have to process the emotions, whereas if I start sorting stuff I will.

I wouldn’t trust him to process any paperwork. He has offered to have some work done on the house which needed doing, so he’s not doing absolutely nothing.

[Tiffany]

I didn’t trust mine to do any paperwork either. Thank God because I would still be tied to him if I was. Totally understand wanting your stuff back. My mum made me leave some of our shared stuff because it was unfair to leave him with nothing (I had bought all our shared belongings). And how I resented it once I had processed how abusive he was.

[Janedoeissad]

I feel like I’ve sacrificed enough and not getting my stuff back would add to my resentment. So I will go back.

Thankfully 99% of the furniture was his. So anything he leaves is a bonus.

I know he will leave it all to me and make out like he’s hard done to. But I really couldn’t care less at this point. Like I say I want to move on but I don’t want to deal with him.

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