awareness of others’ abusive relationships

[swanlake]

Having been in abusive relatinoships myself it’s really hard to watch others going through their own abusive relationships.
I guess that it would be hard anyway to watch someone you care for going through something so dreadful. A family member is suffering at the moment and it’s all a bit much for me sometimes, a bit triggering.
(detail removed by Moderator). I just feel so sad and helpless at the moment.
(detail removed by Moderator). It’s so frustrating.

[Lisa]

Hi swanlake,

It is always really difficult seeing someone you care about experiencing abuse. When it triggers feelings and memories of domestic abuse you experienced yourself that adds another layer to the distress. Having personal experience may mean that you better understand how difficult it is to leave or even recognise and accept that abuse is happening. It’s okay to take time for yourself and to get support when you’re being triggered.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[StrongLife]

I’m in similar situation with someone.

It’s triggering. I am here but it’s not good to see.

Things are changing there. Albeit my opinion has been quietly said and unlikely to do much.

[swanlake]

Thinking of you StrongLife.
I’m sorry it’s taken me ages to reply. I sometimes don’t know what to do for the best and stopped visiting the forum for a while. But now I’m back!
I now have multiple friends in abusive relationships and my own situation has worsened. I find it hard to share about my situation with them when I know that they are struggling so much too.

[Primrose]

Hi Swanlake,
I came back on here today because I know the young girl that has spent (detail removed by moderator) with my ex abuser (he left me for her and she was only (detail removed by moderator) at the time, still (detail removed by moderator)) is currently suffering. I know this because she contacted me in (detail removed by moderator). It’s been a massive trigger and I’m currently off work and finding it very difficult to cope. I’m not sure what to do or if there’s anything I can do. I told her to ‘run’ and to try and stay safe.
Sometimes it’s easy to just forget it all happened but sometimes things like this bring it all back along with the guilt of letting this man in my life and my children’s life. I’m with somebody new now and I tell him a little but it’s hard to describe what happens when your mind takes you back. I have every empathy for you and wish you all the best in coping. It’s hard.

[StrongLife]

Did you think of calling domestic violence hotline as a supportive person of someone going through domestic violence?

I also collected evidence. Things split up for them and they moved on.

I see it straight away. Saw one in coffee shop yesterday morning. So hard to see.

[swanlake]

That sounds so new and raw. I’ve had to take time off work to support others as it was so stressful and made me unwell. It’s hard in the small town where I used to live where lives get entwined in peculiar ways as I know several people who have abused more than one person who I know.
When my own abusive relationship started I was really young and had little family support. They knew this person and introduced me to them!
Take good care of yourself at this time.

[StrongLife]

I started to log what I heard as a way of controlling it. I heard it at the time. They finally split up (I did not know them) but it was highly triggering.

[Makingmychildrenproud]

I couldn’t agree more!

I know two people in abusive relationships right now – one is terrified for the children’s safety and is trying to figure out how to safely leave, and the other is aware there is a “bit of a problem” but as she grew up in it she is in that place where she is in huge denial. Every time I see either of them ( which is often ) I feel triggered and scared at the complexity of their situations. I refuse to back away as I had too many people back away from me, but I try to sit calmly with them and answer any questions they have but don’t give any unwarranted advice or forcefulness. But I also don’t make excuses for their partners.

What I try to do afterwards is “decompress” by sharing with my therapist or a trusted friend who doesn’t know them. I also try to self care more afterwards as well.

It’s 1 in 4 so it isn’t uncommon and people are more honest if they know what you have been through.

[Makingmychildrenproud]

Also I work with mostly men. And I see a few and I just know immediately they are abusive. It’s then so hard to work with them.

A friend of mine who suffered DA says she can feel instantly if someone is abusive. She says you are simply more alert to the subtle signs.

[Dovegirl]

I found out the other day that a work colleague has been subjected to DA with her now ex who she unfortunately is still living with. That was triggering for me. Even though they have split up he still upsets her by being nasty and verbally offensive. He’s completely isolated her from her own family as they took an instant dislike to him. She is trying so hard to get out of this existence but of course I know only too well how hard that is. It’s so hard seeing it happen to others and like some have said you can sense it between strangers if you’re out and about. Its painful to see.

[StrongLife]

Good on you for sitting calmly and listening.

The abusers aim is to scare friends / supporters away.

Personally the abusive person lived next door. I could hear it immediately on them moving in. Other neighbours complained to powers that be.

They broke up and moved. I did not see this person – the female but he remained. I had no dealings with him.

He finally moved on. All the while I was logging and recording just in case and calling hotlines for help. This was not a person I knew just neighbour who was female I never met. Never saw her – she moved within a short period.

[Author]

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