Awful day

[Nova]

What a day what a past few months. Had to go hospital for some tests, which didn’t end up being straightforward and they needed to make more tests, horrible experience. I felt so alone and when I came out, just in shock. I get results next week. I’m trying to keep mentally strong & these huge health set backs, are really grinding me down.
I thought how the hell did my life come to this?
I felt like I just needed someone to reassure me…like normal human beings,I was alone and thought of him…then realised actually I’ve Been ill many times through our time together, and he was just useless, made me feel worse. I felt so alone even when he was lying next to me.
Not that that makes me feel any better! Just that life is a mess.
I keep trying so hard at taking up the advice..pacing myself …reading up, NC etc…it’s just relentless…and no support is just the worst feeling.
I was isolated in that relationship, obviously on purpose, and now I’m still isolated…I don’t feel like I can speak to family even, my sister is a huge gossip…just can’t tell her, without going around the houses, she can’t help herself!
Friends I’ve found out the hard way, some aren’t that type of friend who I can bear my soul too, and in a way it’s all I’ve got left of my self…so I’m guarding it against more hurt and judgemental attitudes…why bother saying anything?!

Hopefully tomorrow will feel better, today is a huge struggle, I feel ill, run down, p’d off to be honest, and sorry for myself…I’m not like this at all…but sometimes I feel like I have to feel sorry myself, as there’s no one else who gives a d**n.
I so wish I’d never given him so much time and love, the way he took it all and walked all over it, like he did..I remember standing up to him, I’d say, you just can’t say those things, listen to yourself…he’d say I just have said that & I can say whatever I want.
So now here I am, with nothing positive from the last decade just this whole heap of cr*p of reality to deal with…it’s like being tortured all over again!
Sorry to rant, but it’s my only out let atm, then I feel guilty and anxious for even typing this on here! I’m just sick of the whole hideous after shock.

Cx

[Finallysomethingclicked]

Hi cuppa
Feeling in a similar mood tonight reading some posts to help me stay strong and to remind myself I’m not alone so I just had to reply to you, I couldnt just read and run. Just wanted to say your not alone and sending you big hugs and love x

[Ayanna]

I am so sorry, Cuppa.
I hope the test results will be less frightening than what you think and all will be well.

Abuse makes us sick and there are proven links to abuse and illnesses.

Instead of bottling all this up you did the right thing to post here.
If you still feel very lonely call the Samaritans. They are great for support. This way you do not need to reveal anything to people you cannot trust.

I have so many health issues and they were brought on by the abuse or deteriorated as a result of the abuse. I too was ill frequently during the relationship and he was useless. I am rather alone with these illnesses before I am exposed to any unhelpful person. I have never been so ill as now. But I am glad that I am alone and do not need to hear patronizing comments from people who do not understand me.

Keep posting! We are all here for you!

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Hope tomeerow is a better day, u always have us to listen to u ,just post on here if u ever need to chat , we may only be here online but we r here for eachanother

[Nova]

Hi Ladies!
Thanks so much for your kind support, it really means a lot to know we can share our Hi’s & Lo’s
Today is a bit better.. yesterday was a real downer & sometimes it’s difficult to be optimistic so strong with the brave face… Impossible I wouldn’t be human.
Hit me like a ton of bricks, fingers crossed for my tests next week.
Have to have more but will cross that bridge when I get to it!
I’m going to chill this weekend. It’s always night time that’s worst…
Thanks again you lovely bunch 🌻

Cx

[Jupiter]

Hi Cuppa

Know where you are coming from.Being a survivor is a real rollercoaster .I believe that our lows are part of the journey along with better times.Dont be hard on yourself-you are strong and will turn this corner.
Agree about night time-I stood at my window recently and quietly enjoyed seeing the moon above the roof tops.It was raining and the moon rays made my neighbour’s house sparkle.it is a small thing in the scheme of things but free for all to enjoy no matter what.
Its these little moments which make the world go round like nature and looking forward to a cup of tea and a food treat even if its naughty but nice.Remember you are the survivor not the guilty party.Wouldnt like to live inside their heads! That is a dark place.You are heading for much better times.
Jupiter x

[cupofcoffee]

Hi Jupiter, just wanted to say I was looking at the full moon last night and enjoying the time without having to rush around and get on with things or being told I shouldn’t, and it is so nice to hear that you did too and it is nice to think that there are other survivors out there all doing the same thing in peace and quiet!

[KIP.]

Hi cuppa, I know how overwhelming this can become but if you can break it down to one day at a time, it becomes al little more manageable. Sending you a huge hug <—–> x

[Nova]

Thanks again For your kindness brings tears to my eyes..
Sometimes it’s good to cry & look at the moon.

It’s reassuring that we can share these real life moments especially when it’s one of ‘those’ days

I just take a big breath keep going & thank G I’m me & away from him

Big hugs back xC

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Cuppa, sending hugs. I’m glad today’s a bit better. I really understand that feeling of isolation, it really hits home at times like this. It takes a long time to trust again. I’m starting to make friends but I don’t allow any emotional closeness and couldn’t bear to be reliant on anyone. It’s early days for you. I hope you manage to relax and all results come back good x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

I think it’s a necessary step in giving ourselves enough time to totally trust ourselves, our gut instincts, our ability to be our own best friend/mother. Yes we’re alone a lot, but I don’t know about you, I felt much more lonely in the relationship than out of it. I can accept my own choice to be alone for now, I couldn’t accept being with someone who deliberately withheld affection and made me feel desperate and needy xx

[Nova]

Yes I agree I said that a lot,he was like a weird lodger, lying beside me,
and that I felt so alone in the relationship…which fueled his knowledge to do it more! withold more…distance…so no way out, anything I said would be used against me. What a total head f

Its a difficult one, because obviously I was wanting ‘normal’ affection, support…to be there..a hug a kiss, sex…Thats all part of a relationship…of course I’m better out of it, and I’m facing hard facts daily…its like I cant help but go round in circles with the confusion..that he can do that to me!

I find it quite breathtaking the sheer arrogance & purposeful maintenance of being a total A hole!
..whats the point? …(I know what it is they love it) what a waste of time and being such a nasty angry
little oik came naturally…who knew?!

anyway moving on…must spend more time focussing on my recovery than his issues..conserve my physical emotional and creative energy for myself & people I love.
I still have mountains to climb, & I need to be healthy.
I cant let him influence my health any longer.

Cx

[Nova]

hi Ladies
crazy busy week, am still waiting for ‘the call’ I could probably chase the results up…but am not going to as each day not knowing is blissful ignorance..
on top I have to see someone about the house..still not sorted financially. I woke up this morning all guns blazing, thinking ..what am doing…just take him the cleaners…to be honest, I am so busy trying to keep afloat…with the after shock of leaving, I’m still juggling plates.
I just cannot take another knock. I have a mri scan next and inbetween dreading the results of other tests. Meanwhile he is sititng pretty in ‘our house’, honestly no wonder it eats me up…
anyway I have 2 job interviews over the next couple of days, trying to catch up with getting a new job sorted, as he has had me in a financial abusive situation for years, meanwhile lining his pockets, a total leech.

Remember the ‘frenemy’ and my horrendous trip over (detail removed by moderator)..decided to cancel trip away, couldnt take that, alone with all the questions and comments..
…I lost £100, no way out, I said to her I was sick about that…she sent me a emoji back with a tear in its eye! seriously, what planet are people on? she will be getting a wide berth from no one..I cant believe how similar she is to him, & shes a him symapthiser.
Finishing on a positive, Womens Aid have marches going on Saturday,if I can get along I will be going, & circulated their petitions from the social media page, the least I can do.

keep going ladies, keep safe

cx

[Nova]

Had a bit of good news that one of my health tests is clear, so pleased and relieved..have another 2 next week..one is the MRI scan, I’m still so anxious about it..trying to talk my self calm..Monday morning Ill Be there 9am …dreading it, it’s keeping me awake. Have to be super woman! brave & strong…feel the opposite done in, but there’s no magic wand and no one rushing to help me so…guess we have to just, get on with it.
Like it or not.

No one has been holding my hand for a long long time…certainly not him.

Cx

[Nova]

…please ladies feel free to post on this post when you have a bad day…
like I have had a hellish one …just proper cr*p, you know when you think…gawd I cant keep it together I’m just so anxious and the night stress has returned..rubbish day.
I feel so disconnected with people & life…hes seeing a male colleague of mine this week about this & that finances…best not go into details unless private messaging..
Have to go for another huge test on…valentines day (oh the irony) and am in deep cr*p with finances, the reality of the state he’s managed to contrive, and my only way out to get rid, but in the meantime have ALL this to deal with.
I go to bed stressed and get up stressed. I look wrecked.
I heard from a woman today who emailed me about a major op. I may have to have, she said oh it was ok in the end my family & friends supported me and it was plain sailing…here’s me thinking OMG…like no-one around..My sisters done even know I’m not with him! I’m living on Adrenalin..I swear I do not know how I’m getting by, I’m smiling & underneath like a blithering jelly. Life is passing me by

Anyway on wards…I’m going to watch the tv drama Apple Tree Yard, traumatic viewing & raising awareness

cx

[Nova]

Awake it’s middle of the night, again. Mind is buzzing around…heart is beating so fast, and my breathing is rapid. It’s a panic attack.
This is what the judge and jury don’t see feel hear, all this every day & night, trauma.

It’s a heavy burden for innocent women to bear.

C

[Peaceful Pig]

Sorry you’re struggling so much Cuppa and it’s always worse in the night when we feel so alone. You’re right, people don’t see or understand the trauma we experience. You’ve a lot on your plate right now. Treat yourself with as much self-compassion and care as you can and hang on in there. Slowly things will resolve themselves. Sending hugs xx

[Confused123]

HI HUn\

Well done for posting how u are feeling here, it willhelp u release the emotions, have u considered cousnelling, iknow when i felt i couldnt talk to family or friends , talking to a counsellor who could actually understand helped me loads. I think once we have left we are not prepared for the feelings and emotions that come out after we have left, i am out x years and still get days where i fele so angry ex and b in law have house and left me with nothing and still find ways to annoy me through courts. Stay strong , u are doing so well, i brain lets us process us much as we can handle , hope your other results come through ok too and good luck with your interviews, you are right when we are ill we do need supportive people around us and its intresting when we recall back but they were never any support even when we were ill.

[Nova]

Thanks to you both for your helpful kind words.

I met a nice counsellor and I feel a bit more positive to share with her, which as you say is good to unburden.
Sometimes…as we all know, it feels too difficult and overwhelming.

Your so right Confused123 …I feel really fed up that he’s sitting in my house…my friend is going to see him (detail removed by Moderator), I’m hoping that goes well…though churns me up, the thought f even someone else I know even being in contact with him. I saw a photo of him today and froze.
PP your always so supportive thanks ladies 🌸

The emotional turmoil is the toughest to bear, but we will all get to some place that is better than we left behind…alone but with integrity & determination.

Peace & love xC

[Nova]

Ok Ladies please, help needed.
Friend met him re house issue I can’t obviously go into detail but he turned on the Emotional blackmail…to him…tears the whole pathetic sob story…of course he was sucked in.

My friend of (detail removed by Moderator) years just gave me the blank, he’s offered you this ammount..no negotiations!
Said I…oh save it, really he’s got a short memory etc etc, I actually think that my friend probably stayed around and watched footy etc with him…just a hunch.

Said oh he was SO upset about you and no doubt your the same…err no I’m not, let me speak for myself please.

Makes me ultra p’d off that I could see this happening.

Long story short he offered me a pittance for my house share, bearing in mind, he paid zero whilst living with me, etc etc.
I text friend back and said (in spite of his encouragement to settle) I’m seeking a second opinion from a lawyer.

I need a lawyer fast and cheap. I’m not having a dole out from this (detail removed by Moderator) no way. The cheek of him.

I have to get a letter to him to state X y z and it needs weight. Ultimately I’d prefer a female lawyer who understands emotional/ financial abuse. Who is that woman?
He is not going to be allowed to do this to me.

I have to at least try for a letter, he can’t bully me any longer.

C X

[WesternCloud]

I remember having the most amazing solicitor when I split with my first ex, he was also abusive and we had issues regarding the children, she was like a bull dog. Didnt take any c**p and told me straight what I should go for and she really helped me.
I would advise you find a local solicitors firm who deal with relationship break downs and then look further into whether there are any female solicitors there who can help, I can understand why you would prefer a woman but dont let this narrow your field too much as male solicitors will be just as supportive and helpful. Most branches offer a free half hour first appointment for you to go along and discuss your issues and they will then advise you of your best route.
May also be worth talking to your local Citizen’s Advice as they may be able to offer some advice on how you can deal with it.
Whatever you do don’t worry, there will be someone out there who can offer the advice you need xx

[Nova]

hi WesternCloud
thanks for your advice, yes I contacted CAB this morning…who said this can be complex…whats new?!
so really a lawyers letter is what I need at the very least!
Thought I’d do some research and see if there are big hourly rate difference…as I know they are super expensive, no legal aid as no children involved.
Hopefully a listening ear and demanding for their client included!

thanks
Cx

[WesternCloud]

How much does a domestic violence lawyer cost?
Due to the nature of domestic violence, our aim is to ensure your situation is dealt with as quickly as possible and an order is set up with no delay. As a result, the costs will be kept to a minimum. In most cases in which the court can clearly see your allegations are true, a clause stating that the abuser must pay your legal fees will be included in the Order. The principle involved here is that you would not have had to pay legal fees had your partner not acted abusively towards you.

Picked this up from a solicitors website, worth considering??

[Nova]

Hi Western Cloud…thanks very much for this! It’s so true why would we even need a lawyer in the first place.

I will research some more and actually during the night, when I should have been sleeping…I found a woman lawyer who is free for half hour phone call.

I’m going to build myself up to it..write some points down, when my head feels a bit clearer.

I’m not feeling great atm, just overwhelmed…it will pass I know.

Cx

[Nova]

Talked to my sister (removed by moderator), she was all happy, just been on holiday. Me not.
Just gave her the…I’ve kicked him out, story, not the blow by blow account.
As I mentioned she’s such a gossip, can’t have my life on a plate for her coffee morning chat. Not atm. She’s little support and as I’ve just read and responded to a post about this…best to say, she couldn’t handle my serious life situation, and wouldn’t be able to support &/ or offer me any relevant advice. Except to jump up & down spouting off unhelpful phrases like..’you’d better get what your owed from your property’& other gems…’ I thought he always wanted his own way, who does he think he is…etc blah blah blah’ puts down the phone. I then am more sickened and alone than before I had the conversation…which reinforces my recent findings…not to discuss this apart from on here with a counsellor &/ or with anyone who has been through this themselves. Otherwise it’s just waffle, and so destructive to my self esteem and healing.

I’m not a child I’m trying to move on & I find a lot of the usual ‘advice’ patronising, most people think ..ooh glad that’s not me, not really bothered. If someone is prepared to come round have a honest chat, listen & show by doing things, & being pro active.coming with me to see a lawyer, or these hospital appointments, or giving me a lift to help empty my stuff, etc etc

Not just a there there, pat on the head..saying that they care, a text means very little. Otherwise if you don’t want to hear the reality of abuse…don’t ask how are you!

I feel I’m being forced to make decisions re the property by him, take his offer quickly, to suit him, control. I’m being told what to do & when to do it, in many areas I don’t like it, doesn’t sit well and it’s not helping me.

Building up to a health test tomorrow, I cannot face, I’m going to cancel it, and rebook when I’m feeling stronger. I have a lawyer to speak to, and all this in a few days, is frankly just too much to handle!
I know when I have to take time out and not try to walk through walls every day, like a woman on a mission!

Take care ladies, thank G I have this forum to connect to you with!

Cx

[Jupiter]

Hi Cuppa

Really sorry about all you are going through at the moment. Feel a good idea to avoid being blasted with too many things at once and that you have prioritised you appointments.
Agree that some people are just superficial and unhelpful–I know it can hurt too if you consider them as friends or family.I know exactly what you mean when you get the -How are you?- rubbish and dont want to know.It would be better if they hadnt asked to start with.
Maybe you have done it already but have you written down the questions you want to ask your solicitor? it sounds obvious but it helps to clear the stress from your mind and gives you order when you feel life is chaotic. When I make a list it makes me feel better- creating a measure of control in the routine .It empowers you.
You have a lot of good sisters here to support and understand you!
Take care
Jupiter x

[Nova]

Aww thanks Jupiter…much appreciated!

yes I’ve been posting about the idea for us all, to just take it easy…& slow down!
its important to not feel pressured into activities etc without wanting to!…especially at this point in time!

Don’t know about you but I’m generally the one at the front of the queue helping out, and full of enthusiasm…its not happening atm…I’m hanging back and reigning myself in!
Guess what it feels good!
I’m not the helper adviser rescuer I’m Me and without +1 baggage!

thanks again much appreciated…sisters together is right,

bonded though adversity forward with positivity!

warm hugs

C x

[Author]

Posts