Awful weekend, feel at rock bottom

[Confusedandanxious]

(Detail removed by moderator) my ex partner has told me he is seeing someone new. He called to tell me as a friend i was seeing (detail removed by moderator) found out (detail removed by moderator) and he didnt want it to come from her.

nyway I told the group of friends i was seeing beforehand that i knew to stop any awkwardness. So webt out and my friend then told me that the message she over saw was (detail removed by moderator) been doing with rhis girl and im just so hurt that i found that out at all and that she felt i needed to know this detail.

Im just so hurt for many reasons other than the obvious that its not nice after (detail removed by moderator) of splitting from an (detail removed by moderator) relationship. But the fact that he has lent a lot of money from me (detail removed by moderator) to obviously buy/date this new girl abd also given up time with our son to be with her. The new girl (detail removed by moderator) and with the new lockdown looming he has now said that he wont have our son (detail removed by moderator) as theres more for him to do at home with me.

Im just feeling do many different emotions right now. He called me (detail removed by moderator) to question what details were disclosed to me, did I pull, am i on my own, have my feelings changes, do i still not want him. He moved on as he cant wait around fr me etc and then there is me spent the day in tears. I have been with my sister and friends but i just feel at rock bottom

[KIP.]

Please understand this is just another form of abuse. It’s called triangulation and many abusers do this. My ex included. They drag another women into their game, shove her and the relationship in our face, pretend everything is rosey and they’ve moved on. The reality is he’s still trying desperately to get back into your life, this is just something to hurt you, make you feel jealous and vulnerable again. You’re supposed to come running back to him now so that either he can reject you and make himself feel better or take you back and punish you again. This is the time where I went straight to a solicitor and started divorce proceeding. Bet he didn’t see that coming. It only shows the complete lack of a bond within these men that they can drop people from their lives without a second thought and I’d be jumping for joy he won’t be around my children.sharing sexual Conquests with your children is so far from appropriate. He’s using the kids to make sure you know. Please block him on everything and ask a third party to have any contact with him for anything at all. Contact is toxic and they use it to hurt us further. Learn from this painful experience and use it to distance yourself because you can bet when his new victim sees right through him, he will be looking to come back and destroy your life. Take this space to get your barriers up not matter how painful that seems now. It’s worth it to keep that toxin out your life x

[Confusedandanxious]

Thank you for your reply.

I am going to block him from social media as I dont want to see, esp as he lies about it and says the money wasn’t spend on her and he went out with his mates, which I know is not true.

He has since messaged to tell me that he has told our son who is hurt and desperately wants us back together and not to get new partners that he is seeing someone new. Im just an anxious mess wanting my baby back as I know he won’t act upset in front of his dad

[KIP.]

What a nasty man he is. As if spending your money on his mates is any better when he has children and committments. It’s that ridiculous entitled reasoning that makes you realise just how selfish and entitled they are. It’s crazy making behaviour. That money you lend him should be going on his child. Please contact women’s aid and try to protect your son from this nasty dysfunctional behaviour. My ex dragged out son into his mess too. It’s unacceptable and abusive too. Women’s aid have a freedom programme for women but also a programme for children that will help him understand. Please contact them. He’s going to need lots of understanding when he returns. He may be angry or lash out at you but just give him space. He wouldn’t want you to be with someone who hurts you. You need to be strong and happy and a good example for him. He needs the tools to deal with an abuser father to minimise the damage. Ring the NSPCC helpline or the domestic abuse helpline to chat through this. Stay strong and see if you can build up to blocking him on your phone too. He doesn’t need access to you. He gave up that right the very first time he abused you. Thinking of you x

[Confusedandanxious]

Thank you so much, i have messaged his school ELSA this morning as I know he is comfortable telling her things as I have told him to always let it all out to her even if he doenst tell me whats been said

[KIP.]

👍well done x

[diymum@1]

Ye kip is right I had near on the same experience. These men love to rub out noses in it just to feel superior. It’s disgusting! Horrible behaviour. Please don’t take it personally this isn’t you xx your doing so well keep strong this is just one more tactic to bring u down xx

[KIP.]

I forgot to say they do this for a reaction so please do not give him the satisfaction. They cannot stand to be ignored but this is absolutely the way to have the final word. It’s your way of saying that you know his game, he’s simply not worthy of being in your life anymore. Set those boundaries while you heal like a protective shield x

[Confusedandanxious]

Thanks so much ladies he has kicked off  (detail removed by moderator) as he found out that I figured out who the new women is and seen her (detail removed by moderator). Iv blocked them both now. Im just so full of so many different emotions right now my head is a scramble. I do feel like I have made the whole thing up and I’m just being over dramatic too

[KIP.]

No you’re not being overly dramatic. Abuse is insidious and we minimise it. If either of them continue to contact you please let the police know. Same if they’re abusive, please let the police know. You may be able to get a non molestation order but do not engage with either of them or they can easily report you. Absolutely zero contact.

[diymum@1]

He will be just using this woman to get at you xx your not crazy he is doing this on purpose xx I’m sure on the book living with the dominantor they discuss this. To have two women competing for him this is what he wants it’s his ego. His problem tho his relationship with her won’t be healthy because these man only do very superficial relationships. It’s all false. The best advice above is distance yourself no social media the lot XX block them you will heal from this and you’ll move forward xx

[Confusedandanxious]

I did actually come off of all social media when we split for my own mental health, however i have ggone back on Instagram and now blocked him. He has made a new fb page and said he will just keep his old one deactivated incase we get back together so basically a single and a family man one!

After another bad morning of upset i am feeling a llittle better – thanks ladies

[KIP.]

Good idea to come off all social media which is what I did. He is delusional. They play terrible mind games and you can bet he’s telling his new victim lies too. It goes to show just how entitled he thinks he is that he can abuse you, hurt you yet keep you in the background in a Facebook account for when he hooks you back in. Don’t give him the satisfaction and please cut all contact with him. Use a third party because you’re still very vulnerable. Abused women return on average 7 times before they finally break free so I don’t underestimate the hold and the trauma bond. It’s not just you he’s hurting with his deliberate behaviour and your kids need security and continuity. Take advantage of this time and space to make yourself safe. Change the locks, speak to a solicitor (most offer a free half hour consultation). Make sure he can’t just return which many abuser do meaning you and the kids would have to move out. Get the barriers in place now x you’re doing great x

[Confusedandanxious]

Thanks again KIP, i changed the locks on Sunday after a rumour i had heard. He is also off of the tenancy now too.

The thing that stops me the most from going back is my son. I cant put him through it which was again one of my deciding factors, i dont want him tto think that this is how relationships work. The meeting with the school ELSA was really helpful this morning too.

Yes i very much think that he will be going to this new girl with lies, hes very concerned that people are going to hate her… absolutely no idea why!

[KIP.]

Wow. Well done you. Sometimes we just freeze so it’s great you’re making these important positive decisions. Getting support for you and your child will really help not just short term but long term too. Perhaps a talk with a family solicitor when you have the strength, most offer free initial advice but he can take your child and not return him with something legal in place and I wouldn’t put it past him so please consider this too x ring the national domestic abuse helpline who can offer great advice 24/7 x

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