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It looks like my (detail removed by Moderator) relationship is coming to an end. We’ve had many years of good times and many fraught years as well. We’ve been together 24 hours a day some lockdown and I’m now working from home fulltime. In the past few months it’s all caught up with us and my partner has become very spiteful and hurtfull and it seems I can do nothing right. I’m now getting sworn and verbally provoked everyday and all the (detail removed by Moderator) old issues which I thought has gone are now being flung back at me. I’m even being accused of having a affair now which I’m not. This has turned into very vile and disgusting comments about my sex life and being available for anybody. To make it worse, when I’m not being snarled at, I’m getting the silent treatment. The last straw was being told that my partners behaviour is my fault and I deserve all I get for lying about things (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I’m now almost starting to belive that I deserve to be treated like this, I say almost but its niggling. I’m struggling to get my head around the end and moving on which deep down I want to do but I need some help.
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This is riddiculous S, there’s absolutely no point in aportioning blame to whatever happened (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, you’ve had a life together since then. He had choices and he made them, you both did hey, hanging you now for this is madness, sounds like you have listened to someone who has made a judgement or two who does not understand that life and relationships are complex – there’s always alot more to it.
Your relationship has likely not broken down for these reasons, it’s his behaviour you have had enough of. My friend has just left her husband after decades and is nearing retirement, takes a lot of courage and a big leap of faith, but for me looking in from the outside I absolutely know she will be fine, better than fine, once things have settled, she has always taken good care of herself and those around her so is much loved and she has done things she wants to do alone or with friends and family whenever she wanted, as he never would do these things with her, so there will be no change there. She’s free now to choose how to spend her time and do exactly what she’d like to do with no ball and chain. Guess she strongly felt that life is short and I intend to live it, make the most of what I have left, not spend the rest of my days with this misery. Seems to me that every other aspect of her life is great, bar him, he only weighed her down. I’m looking forward to seeing what she gets up to, she’s still feeling a bit of self doubt now and again, guess because it’s scary starting out again in a new home alone, but I can see she won’t look back in no time x
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I have no wise words or comfort, my post is probably abit self centred, but you have described my life too in recent years. If my best friend read your post she would think it was me in every aspect. I never know how to put into words how my husband made me suffer , my words never can depict how damaging his behaviour was. .We separated about (detail removed by Moderator) ago after decades. Its Hard, strangely so much grief, I have to remind myself of the awful things he did and said. The unjust accusations are incredibly painful aren’t they. You give up defending yourself in the end. I hope you find all the strength and courage you need.
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Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Lockdown was a nightmare. Normal is a word that doesn’t apply to what takes place, the mask slips and full time abusive aggressor comes into the arena. Also, the grief after you are out. It is overwhelming. Talking to GP and getting some specialist therapy, posting and sharing, getting validation for our experiences we can’t share elsewhere, gentle activity, learning breathing exercises for relaxation and controlling the overwhelm, making small decisions and relishing in acts of freedom and choice, rebuilding lost relationships with friends and family and self-nurturing by eating well, sleeping well and acknowledging our emotions and how we feel and being kind to ourselves above all else all help. Startingtogo, I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. It is awful to be living in this way but there is hope and taking baby steps is absolutely the right way to go, unless you are at risk, threatened or assaulted, in which case call 999 straight away.
It is good to start by getting advice from DA helpline (they are very busy but keep trying), women’s aid helplines and rights of women/FLOWS for legal advice. Also, talk to your GP for referral to help in your area and counselling. Find out how much money you have and where and what your legal position is (Rights of Women, FLOWS or through a lawyer, free if you are entitled to legal aid otherwise about £100 for an hour consultation). Do not try to reason with him, you do not need to defend yourself, justify or apologise and remember, none of this is your fault, or your responsibility, no matter what he may say. Stay calm, breathe deep. His angry spiteful words are not facts, they are just weapons designed to hurt and diminish you. Keep a daily journal and record any previous acts or abuse and how you felt. There are many books out there on abuse but advise starting with Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, Healing from Hidden Abuse Shannon Thomas and Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? they will help you enormously and are essential for understanding what has happened to you and why men behave the way they do. Keep posting x
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Thank you all for your wise and comforting words and support. It was just lovely not to feel alone. I’m now trying to do the things that I enjoy (poor dogs are getting their paws walked off them) and find ways to be kind to myself. It’s going to take a while but the more I realise I’m thinking of future opportunities not looking back it feels good. I’ve taken the advice of not reasoning with my partner and needing to justify myself. There’s a great phrase I like ‘stewing in your own juices’ and that helps me make my partner’s behaviour and vileness theirs not mine. Baby steps, one day at a time.
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