Back again. Need some help please.

[Missssy]

Hello all. Haven’t been here in a while as I have just been dealing with things myself.. or trying to at least.

The ex has now reared his head again (he’s currently on ‘holiday’ let’s say. Back in a few months.) all of the contact attempts I have received this past year have been through flying monkeys. None of the attempts at manipulation or hurting me have resulted in him seeing any reaction from me, so now he has pulled out the big guns – our child. Now he has had over a year to do this, but for some reason now I’m getting informed by sources that he’s trying to contact me with regards to visitation with our child.

I don’t know what to think. Everyone around me says this is just another example of obsessive behaviour and wanting to exert some kind of control/maintain contact in the only way he is legally permitted to do so, and that my child doesn’t really enter into it. I would like to think his intentions are genuine, but either way I don’t actually want him to spread his natural poison and pollute my little ones world..I don’t believe it is out of a burning desire to be a father due to his previous behaviour, more a sense of entitlement/ownership. The chances are he won’t be permitted to make contact or pursue any avenues with regards to this, but it is seriously messing with my head and I am panicking a lot.

Please note that I would never use my child as a weapon or be saying this out of spite. I just want to protect my darling child and keep him safe and happy he is a delightful little human.

May I also add he has previously tried to make off with my child and was constantly using my child to control me during my pregnancy and after giving birth.

Any thoughts and opinions would be welcome.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Firstly, I believe you are right to keep a happy space for your child and defend it. They deserve their time in the sun, it is their childhood, after all.

Second, I would suggest you start to read up and inform yourself of your legal rights. You may not have to go down that route, but it will be of benefit to you to be prepared. There are different places, but Rights of Women is perhaps not a bad one to start. I am sure also, that this thread will yield some insights from others.

It is generally true that they have a right to see your child, but, having said that there are all sorts of questions and issues to do with manipulation or attempted coercive control that it seems wise to be aware of. Iknow many women who have been threatened in various ways with child being used as a pawn and with statements of how they want contact. But when push has come to shove, they either back out or don’t turn up.

So in that sense – try not to be frightened. I know this is difficult, but in some ways court orders may serve as protection. At least there are boundaries around them, and if they are not fulfilled there are sanctions i.e. it is an offence not to go along with them.

It may well be that there is no serious intent there to have contact with your child, that it is a game that ex is playing. With mine i felt like I was having to play a very dark game of chess, always anticipating his next move. Generally, I did and foiled him.

I am sure you sound like an intelligent, caring woman and maybe this is your strength amongst others of course. Try to be informed, try to do self-care, try to self-soothe and keep your fear levels down in which ever way you can.

My feeling and experience is that they try to scare you – and that is this that they get off on.
May not be serious intent of action. Might be, but if you are prepared with info you will cover all your bases anyway.

thanks for posting.
ftc
x

[Missssy]

Thank you so very much for your response. I have been and will continue to look into my rifhts and what action I can take to ensure my child is kept safe and hopefully away from any kind of malice or manipulative intent.

(Detail removed by moderator) which prohibits him from making any contact with myself other than via solicitors in regard to contact with our child. I’m veering more towards believing that it is probably a game that is being played with me rather than a genuine desire to be a father and a positive influence in his child’s life.

I think I have just felt it quite overwhelming. It’s the cyclical pop ups.. almost like clock work every X number of weeks. There will be a silence and I will think I’ve been left alone and begin to feel confident, then there’s another event or some form of contact or mind game (he finds ways to get to me without breaching his conditions) which just makes me feel very uncomfortable. It’s unsettling to think that someone is so laser focused on you that they keep making it their mission to remain in your head.

[KIP.]

Block all contact with all flying monkeys. Anyone you cannot block then tell them not to pass on any messages to you. You do not want to hear anything about your ex. Unless it comes through a solicitor, just ignore it. It is mind games. Designed to unsettle you.

[Appleblossom]

Hi Misssy,

I could have written your post!

The dx has been doing the same to us. He reads his disruptive and manipulative head every few months. It’s centred around the little one, however he had no interest in actually being a father to her. It’s incredibly painful. I’ve tried my best to shield her, like you.

The ex also “ threatened” to go to court to apply for childcare arrangements. I gad a nerve wracking few weeks, because although I was getting ready to go through the process, I was massively dreading it. And then? Nothing. It does my head in that after all this time he still gets to me and my resolve gets worn down. But, as my mum says I am the only person who can face this. And I am determined that I will do this with strength and Balls of Steel. An occasional wobble is fine! Keep strong, as only you know how Misssst!! All the best xxxx

[purplecat]

This story could be mine. Shoot down all flying monkeys, don’t let them in. Their interests are not yours or your childs so they do no deserve even a second of your time. Have you read about being ‘grey rock’? Reacting to (removed by moderator)  behaviour is like feeding them the very thing they desire. Be completely nonreactive and it will drive them mad.
If the holiday is the same kind of holiday my ex is on… the sort with doors with locks and lights out, then you really need to take faith in the knowledge that you are stronger party here. Enjoy being a mum, spend time, have fun, it far outweighs anything that he can throw at you. Remember that the manipulative behvaiour runs deep, he is trying to undermine you with your own fears. Look up ‘grey rock’ I promise you it works and is also rather satisfying. KIP is absolutely right. I would get letters from my ex with all sorts of convincing legal jargon. As soon as I showed it to a professional they laughed at it. Knowledge is power. And Rights of Women website is really helpful, especially ‘Children and the Law: When parents separate’. There is a section entitled ‘What if the other parent is or has been abusive, or controlling towards me?’ that might be very useful to you.
I too felt the panics and there is not quick an easy solution to this. When he contacts you practive ‘grey rock’, write EVERYTHING down and keep a diary. Look for expert help, it will disprove all the rubbish he is spewing and arm you with knowledge. Allow yourself to breath and take care of your mind. You have been conditioned to think he is right and you are wrong, he is strong and you are weak. THIS IS WRONG. You have already done some amazing things breaking ties so write down everything positive you have achieved since the separation, however small – cooking Lasagna from scratch, fixing something that was broken, being a good friend all these things count.
I hear people suggest to me all the time that I have to be strong, which implies when I am not that I am weak. I don’t believe that is the case anymore. Inside we have a fire and it may dwindle to embers somedays but then others it can be roaring. You need to stoke that fire, find some kindling, whatever that might be for you, something that empowers you and makes you feel like yourself. I sang karaoke and bought myself Doc Martens! Do that and the fire will soon be fully ignited.
Sorry for long response. I really hope this helped.

[Missssy]

Thank you ladies for your support and advice.
I really hope that going forward you are all able to have some peace and not experience any reappearances from these pathetic excuses for people.

The trouble is sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish what is a flying monkey and what is a genuine approach usually regarding my child but occasionally with some malicious communications thrown in. (all still get ignored, it’s just the mess it makes in my own mind)

I read up on rights of women as per your advice purplecat, and I did indeed find it helpful so thank you. He is on that exact kind of holiday, but I have been informed that he has taken steps to catch his return flight early – very soon indeed.

Of course I am again massively unsettled by this and am just starting to feel it is non stop, unrelenting in his mission to stay in my head. Maybe I’m making it too much about me, giving myself too much importance I don’t know. But it seems that there has definitely been an escalation in his spitefulness. I’ll go for a while and hear nothing and think ‘ok I’ve been left alone now’ and then as if by clockwork it’s another pop up from him or someone on his ‘team’.

What is this about?

[Author]

Posts