Back again

[Starmoon]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. This time last year I was a long time no contact, I know I can’t put a specific time. (detail removed by Moderator) I ended up back in the turbulent relationship for a long time- until a few days back. We went to couples counseling, had various up days and down days. I know I’m not overly easy to be with and I suppose I have to accept that some people just aren’t meant to be… but things had been going so well. I took a fair amount from counseling myself.. but then suddenly our arguments became all too familiar… like he was determined to get me to see his side, every time I said I understood, he’d tell me I was wrong and that I didn’t, I’d say to leave it, thinking it’s not worth an argument and even that was wrong. I know we all have our moments… a few weeks back I snapped, he’s recently been sacked, I’ve been doing everything as usual and I just thought he may do some house work while I was taking (detail removed by Moderator) out. When I got home, exhausted he’d done nothing. I did snap at him saying I was tired… he stormed off saying we were done… I followed him saying how dare he say that- even if I were in the wrong a little for being annoyed about the mess… did it really deserve him ending it? As a result, he started smashing up the house, ripping the (detail removed by Moderator) off the wall that he’d fitted- saying nothing he ever does is enough, he called his mum asking them to collect him because I’d called him a sh*t dad and saying he was useless. I eventually managed to calm him down but I said he should go back to his flat (we didn’t live together), because I was shaken by how he’d acted. I just don’t understand… I’m willing to say sorry when I’m in the wrong… just getting annoyed about him not helping out was a split second thing, I could’ve understood him being angry and upset and then I’d have said sorry, but saying it’s over seemed an over reaction, I followed him because I felt it was unfair.. but then he says that’s pushing his buttons and I should just leave him to it… and then again, I don’t think it’s fair for him to always run off. But anyway, after that I wanted to get my head strait. He went back to his, got drunk then was too hung over the whole of the next day to get out of bed. So I was sorting the kids alone again. By the following day I was feeling frustrated and wasn’t open to being all loving as if nothing had happened… so he went back to his again- his choice that time. Later that day he called me up saying his (detail removed by Moderator) was dying and he couldn’t come back that evening… this is a lie he’s told me in the past- so I drove to his parents house and they confirmed it wasn’t true. When he eventually answered the phone he admitted that he’d been at (detail removed by Moderator). The lie is even worse because my own grandpa genuinely was dying at the time (and has since died). He went on to say that it was my fault he lied because he’s depressed and can’t talk to me…. i could believe him being depressed after losing his job… but did i really deserve that? I felt so disrespected… I couldn’t just drop that instantly, even though I wanted to support him threw his depression. I took us out on days with the family and did what I could… then the day my grandpa died- I found out I’m pregnant. Granted not planed but my first though was one life ends and another begins… of all days to find out. His response was that I should be happy as I’m financially sorted for life now- because he’ll have to pay for another child (I’ve always supported my children). I couldn’t believe what he was saying. He then said if I keep it- he wants nothing to do with it. I can’t remember at that point if I said it was over or if he did but I wasn’t arguing with him packing his bags. In the moment I said if he wasn’t seeing this baby, he wasn’t seeing the others. I don’t mean that… but what on earth am I to think?! I want this baby, I hope the pregnancy goes well… I don’t know if he will change his mind over wanting contact but if he doesn’t, it’s going to be awful when the other two go off to their dads. I can’t believe I’ve had children someone who can say that. It’s not ok is it?

[Starmoon]

I know it’s a big read but I was just hoping for a little support xx thanks in advance

[pizzaislife]

No it’s not ok. My husband has recently said that if we divorced he will just walk out of our life and I can’t imagine anyone just walking away from their child, never mind walking away from one but still keeping contact with the others. He’s trying to manipulate you from sticking with him. He’s using your baby as bargaining point because he knows how much it means to you. I’d be worried about the lies he tells and how he makes out that everything is your fault. His depression isn’t your fault either. If he really is depressed than there is help out there for that and I am sure you are supportive just like anyone would be under those circumstances.

You are a strong woman and great mum. Try to remember that while you decide how to move on. I’m sorry I can’t help with any suggestions as I am stuck in a similar situation myself at the moment, but I really hope this works out for you. *hugs*.

[KIP.]

Hey starmoon and sadly welcome back. He will never change. Every word that leaves his mouth you need to treat as a lie. Because it probably is! There is no point in discussing anything with him. The mind games they play are dreadful. My advice is to go total no contact and work on your own self confidence and self esteem. Build a good relationship with your kids and cut him out your life. If he wants to see his children, get a solicitor and agree access. You are doing nothing wrong. He’s pushing and pulling until he upsets you. That’s his goal. It makes him feel big and important to abuse you and see you hurt. Don’t waste more of,your life on him x

[lover of no contact]

Hi starmoon,

Great to hear from you. You sound a lot stronger and less confused and less blaming yourself than when you first posted a couple of years ago. You sound stronger too. And you have so much more on your plate than you did then, with your adorable little babies and doing all the childcare, supporting them, probably you’re doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning etc. What exactly is he contributing then to your shared life except put-downs and angst.

KIP is spot on in that he’ll never change. This dynamic will be going on for the next few decades (as in my case) and the script won’t change except you will both be older and your babies will be reared in this abusive cycle.

If you’re like me I find it very hard to Let Go and Move on from intimate partners/family/friends/work colleagues even when all I am getting is being treated badly with a few crumbs of niceness thrown in the relationship. I just can’t seem to Let Go. I couldn’t with my ex. However I did work on myself, changing my thinking and my patterns by coming unto a Forum like this one and posting and sharing what was going on. This worked in a funny way because my ex then sent me the solicitor’s letter to end the marriage. I couldn’t end it but he did it for me (he was trying to scare the stronger me back into my place) but his plan backfired and I took up his offer (of a separation).

What I’m saying is, keep posting on here and reading the posts (daily if you can), it will change your pattern of not being able to let go and move on and cut him out of your life.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

I agree with the others, they never change. How awful for him to say that to you about your new baby, very cruel and hurtful to both you and the child. I hope that you are able to leave him and create a safe and happy new life for you and your children, including the baby you are carrying. You deserve so much more than what you are getting with this man. The fact that you are catching him in all these lies and he is blaming you for everything is reason to leave enough. He also sounds very manipulative and financially abusive. Please look after yourself and keep safe.

Sunshine

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