Back here after years (!)

[Versoz]

So I got very close to divorce several years ago, and then backed out, after some poor advice and my husband playing on it to make me afraid. The advice being I would end up in a bedsit while he stayed in our family home with the children, and I would have to support him financially in perpetuity because he can’t work. I couldn’t stomach that, so have found ways to make this work(ish).

Recently I was away for a couple of nights (very rare, and a trip I needed to take for my older daughter, so not a “jolly”, although he said he felt jealous of me going away) – and he was pestering me for sexts and intimate photos. I almost did it… even though I find it nauseating and demeaning. But something in me said “no” – and I said “no” to him. He was NOT happy.

Anyway… I suddenly felt furious myself. Realising this has gone back to exactly how it was before I threatened divorce before. And I have had enough.

He does NOTHING (well, enough to just about avoid being called out on it). He has a medical condition which he uses freely whenever he wants to get out of things. (That sounds really callous of me, but other people see the behaviour too, and our children, now a lot older, also see it and complain about it.) And whilst he sits around playing on his phone and I do a full day’s work, plus chores, plus cooking etc, he also expects me to service his every sexual whim!

I am scared of where I will end up. Probably penniless and in a small place somewhere. But I am sick of him manipulating/controlling/coercing me. I am done.

Any words of comfort/advice very much appreciated. I have contacted a solicitor today.

[LightbulbMoment]

This sounds strikingly similar to my situation. I totally understand your concerns about quality of life after divorce. When I threatened to leave my ex said that he would ruin me financially and emotionally, take me to court for neglect (of him since he has a medical condition) and for being an unfit mother. He said I would end up penniless as I’d have to give most of my wages to him to keep the family home going.
I took all his claims to a solicitor and she actually laughed at the amount of rubbish I’d been told.

It’s true that divorce is expensive and you may need to cut back for a while to get through it. But when you are ready to make the break it will be worth it.
I hope the solicitor you have contacted provides you with some practical advice on how this will play out. You should seek a free advice session from several different solicitors then choose the approach that suits you best. The first one I spoke to suggested an all-guns-blazing approach (Non-Mol Order, get him out of the house etc) while the second was much gentler and understood my need to reduce conflict.

Present all your concerns and fears to the solicitor. They will be able to sort out the fact from the fiction. By arming yourself with some facts you’ll be in a stronger position and it will feel less like running headlong into the dark.
Wishing you luck.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Versoz

The main take away for you is that you see it, and that he can no longer draw you back in, but those threats are massive for how the rest of your life would look, so can mean you don’t want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire!

However, if you tell a solicitor of his threats, they should immediately see the issue, the domestic abuse that you’ve been subjected to. I’m glad your children can also see it, and I hope that this helps with you clearing out any guilt you may have felt, because that stems from emotionally abusing you, using his supposed hardships to guilt you into helping him. The FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) once you are out become a lot clearer.

Finding the words can be hard, but you have made huge steps out already, and you have the support of your children too. He can get professional help, you don’t owe him anything, quite the reverse!

I hope you can have find some words of comfort in these replies and that your new life won’t be as terrible as he has tried to threaten it will. Him abusing you could render him homeless, and he would need supportedliving somewhere away from the family home so that you could all be safe.

I also wish you every strength, sending hugs and recognition for the huge obstacle you have just cleared in facing this despite the fear. I second the advice about get the right solicitor, for you, and for the domestic abuse, they are definitely not all the same, and their blurbs can look amazing but you have to meet and discuss before you get the sense of who they are and how they might help.

warmest wishes

ts

[Eggshells]

As others have said, speak to a solicitor. Try not to worry if you end up financially worse off, many of us do but I discovered that I didn’t need all the trappings. Once you have your own space the size of that space really doesn’t matter – its the freedom and safety that matters.

There is such a thing as a clean break settlement. Marital assets are divided according to need then each of you is on your own. This type of settlement should be straightforward if your children are over 18.

I’m going to be honest, my standard of living has fallen significantly and measurably since I left. My quality of life, however, has increased significantly more. There’s no question for me, I’m poorer but so much happier. Please don’t let money be the thing that stops you from leaving and stops you from actually living and enjoying your life. xx

[Camel]

Hi Versoz

I googled the rules on spousal maintenance as I had no idea it was a thing for normal income couples. You really have nothing to worry about.

Ultimate Guide to Spousal Maintenance

No doubt he’s in receipt of invalidity benefits. (If not, he should be!) Once you separate he’ll be able to claim a load of other benefits too. The state will take care of him so he can’t say he’s unable to financially support himself. This is the only criteria for deciding if spousal support should be paid.

From what you say, you will probably be financially better off after divorce. You’re managing now on your income and will have your share of assets (the house) if you sell.

[Drboop]

Hi, I’m new to the forum after finally reaching out for help. This situation sounds very similar to own but my child is under 18. My other half has actually been fairly pleasant this last 2 weeks and I think someone has had a word with him. And when they start being pleasant we start to question ourselves don’t we? Is it really that bad? Is it worth upsetting the family? And so on…but ready this and the lovely responses has kept me on track for my escape. I shall be contacting a solicitor tomorrow.

Good luck Versov and keep the support coming ladies, it’s amazing.

[Drboop]

Ps. Versoz, excuse my typos, using a mobile and being discreet before he asks if I’m texting my non-existent ‘fancy man’.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Versoz, my husband threatened ruining me/kids financially and he has followed through with all his threats so far… Separated well over a year and yes we have had to adjust (I say we as these men who succeed in financially ruining us are also fully aware that it impacts their children too) and it takes time, support but I am so relieved to be out and free (in my 50’s)… I went with a DA Solicitors Firm xx

Feel free to PM

HFH ❤️

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