Back in my neighbourhood

[driedflowers]

Hi everyone,

I have been out for over (detail removed by Moderator) and went no contact shortly after I left him. Though he lives in another city, he would come back sometimes to visit friends and on those occasions he would often come to my neighbourhood and to a location where we had spent a lot of time together, and where I often was. On the first occasion, he sat on the table next to mine. When I confronted him, he told me that this was a public space and he has as much right to be there as me. After that, he continued to come, but did not sit next to me. Every time this happened I would leave. A silver lining of the pandemic has been that this was not something I needed to worry about; I had begun to think that I would never have to see him again, because the pandemic time would have made him lose interest. (detail removed by Moderator) ago, however, I saw him at the end of my road with a girlfriend. This made no sense to me because no-one he knows lives in my neighbourhood, and everything is shut. I talked to a friend and they suggested that maybe he was just visiting and they came for a walk together. However, (detail removed by Moderator) I saw them again about 1.5 km from my neighbourhood, walking from that direction, and (detail removed by Moderator) I again saw him at the end of my road, this time on the other side, and on his own. I don’t know what to make of this and whether I am being paranoid or not. Either they came to visit together and are staying in my neighbourhood, his girlfriend lives near me, or he has moved back to a location near me; I hope it is not the last one. My friend looked at his online information and it still says the other city. He hasn’t tried to approach me or said anything. When he walked past me on the street, he just glared. Nevertheless, I feel quite down and I don’t feel in control. It took me a long time to be able to walk around my neighbourhood without worrying and even after so much time I haven’t lost the habit of checking people constantly to make sure it isn’t him. I had bad disassociation for a while after I left and I have been experiencing a mild version of that when I’ve seen him recently, plus anxiety, feeling sick etc. It is making me tired and my work has suffered. I just signed a new contract so I can’t move house, and I love my place so I don’t see why I should. On the other hand, I just feel desperate wondering when and if this is going to end. He is a n**********c type and part of me wonders whether reappearing with the gf in tow is deliberate. On the other hand, there’s a man in the neighbourhood who I sometimes go for walks with, etc, and I worry about what his reaction will be if he sees us together, for the same reason that he is a n********t. We don’t have mutual friends anymore, so I cannot ask anybody. I don’t know if I should be worried, or if it’s just a sign of his entitlement.

Thanks x

[Watersprite]

Hi there I would say it’s deliberate – designed to n****e cause distress show off his latest supply mess with your head keep control play his game – in other words what he did in the relationship. You know him best if you have concerns speak to DA police or women’s aid. Write it all down dates and times and If he makes contact you can get a non molestation order. It was the best thing apart from leaving that I ever did. (detail removed by Moderator) well done for getting out x

[KIP.]

I firmly believe there is no such thing as a coincidence with abusers. It doesn’t matter how many years later. My ex bought a house very close to mine. After he’d raped, assaulted and had a criminal conviction you would think he would move countries. But they do the opposite. Did you ever report the abuse to the police? Seeing him again is going to trigger you badly. Did you ever get counselling? I’d consider reporting him to the police for the previous abuse and let them know he’s around your neighbourhood. Talk to the domestic abuse police. They may be able to talk to him and warn him. Also if they have your statement of abuse they can warn a current partner using Claire’s Law and if a new victim talks to the police then your statement is there. It empowered me to report him. I’d definitely seek out counselling. There are stalking apps you can download to keep details of when and where you saw him. It shows a pattern and when he doesn’t get a reaction he may change tactics. My ex used to glare at me too. Like it was me that was the rapist and criminal. (detail removed by Moderator) It does get easier but any contact is still toxic to us. You can talk to the national domestic abuse helpline or Paladin I think have a stalking helpline. Whenever I saw my ex glaring I’d force myself to roll my eyes and shake my head. Even though I was terrified I wasn’t going to let him know that.

[Hawthorn]

I agree with the others, this is calculated behaviour on his part and they have given great advice about what you can do to take back control of the situation.

Just wanted to send you hug, this is so distressing and triggering. Any contact from my ex makes me feel as you do, if I was to see him I think I would start vomiting. You’re really brave to be dealing with this.xx

[driedflowers]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind, attentive and fast responses. I was pretty upset last night and now I know that I’m not going crazy.

KIP, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that, it’s completely horrendous. Like you say, these men are so violent yet they have no shame. Good for you for standing up for yourself though.

I never went to the police for a couple of different reasons: I didn’t want to put myself through it, we work for the same organization, he was quite sick when I left him (mentally and physically), and I didn’t think the authorities would believe me or be able to prosecute him: so much of it was psychological and verbal, and he is an expert manipulator. I’ve also seen how vicious he can be. I think that if I went to the police he would either crucify me personally and professionally, or kill himself. The sexual stuff I cannot prove and it would be he said she said. Honestly, I just want to move on with my life. I did report it to an intermediary organization… I can’t really explain because it would be too much detail. With all that said, if he continues to show up then I may have to reconsider the way I’m handling it. I am in counselling and have been for a while. It does help. The stalking apps are a great idea and I didn’t know about them, so thanks very much.

Thanks for the hugs and support everyone, I really appreciate it. I do talk to friends and family about what’s going on but I don’t think that they really understand. Unless you’ve experienced something similar then you just can’t appreciate what a destructive effect it can have on your health and mental wellbeing.

Take care everyone x

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