27th August 2021 at 7:47 pm #130647BrokensoulParticipant
So I’ve been in a relationship for (detail removed by moderator), he is very controlling and manipulative, makes comments about what i wear, doesnt like me to go out, has threatened on a number of occasions to do something stupid (harm himself) because i have made plans to take the kids out, the other day i finally got the courage to end the relationship and he moved (detail removed by moderator), i was feeling so strong and confident with my decision the first day and night and started to look to the future, then the (detail removed by moderator) after he had left he came to pick up the rest of his stuff and (detail removed by moderator) i really struggled and then found myself messaging him (detail removed by moderator) and he came round to see me, i completely broke down and begged him to come back, the thing is he has already told me nothing is going to change and he isnt going to trust me so i think im still going to be just as unhappy as i was before but its like i cant survive without him,i feel so stupid for giving in but the pain i felt when i thought it was over for good was unbearable, im back to avoiding friends and staying in to keep him happy again, just feel so lost
27th August 2021 at 8:31 pm #130655KIP.Participant
Google trauma bonding x this is how an abuser makes us feel. They destroy our self esteem, confidence and sense of self.
28th August 2021 at 9:07 am #130682EyesopeningParticipant
Hi Brokensoul, I completely understand. Like Kip says its the Traumabond.
Through the abuse in the relationship, your abuser has become the one person who can make you feel better. So when you break up, you will feel extremely bad and it will feel like he is the only person who can make you feel better.
I tried to leave 5 time, the average is 7, so don’t feel bad. It’s completely normal for this to take time.
I feel like it’s a journey we all have to take, we slowly break free of the chains and only when we are ready can we take that final leap. The leaving wasn’t the hard part for me. The staying away was the hardest part. The most panful. Support and education are the most important things to help you. Get all the support you can, even if you don’t go into details, just reach out to friends and family, let them know as much as you can. Only tell people you trust 100% the details as abuse is a complicated subject people don’t always understand so it can make you feel worse if they don’t validate what’s going on. Chat to Womens Aid, and call your local DA services. Use YouTube and read books on abuse. Post on here and read all the forums and advice given.
It takes alot of work to get free, but you are working on yourself and working on preventing this happening again.
I recently left and I heard alot that breaking any bridges back can be a helpful way to prevent you from going back. I left and sent him an email to say I’m probably not going back(even then I was not 100%) but I knew it will make him so angry that he probably wouldn’t have me back if i wanted to go back.
It was hard, but it’s a few weeks later and its already getting easier.
It’s time to focus on yourself and whats best for you.
Good luck x*x
28th August 2021 at 9:39 am #130683WaterspriteParticipant
Be kind to yourself x
You have made a massive step and you are posting on here. Slowly gather strength and build support speak to women’s aid and read up on coercive control when it’s safe – knowledge really is power. Please don’t let him know your plans just start quietly seeing him for what he is you deserve – a better life x
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