Back to square one

[IrisAtwood]

I know that I shouldn’t have but I went back to the house (detail removed by Moderator) to collect some of my things. If I am brutally honest it was because I wanted to see him.
I intended to be cool and detached, but got drawn into an what started as an argument and then became a two hour discussion about our relationship. It was actually more or less him teling me how it was my fault because of my ‘personality disorder’ and living in a world of denial.
He told me that I treat everyone as ‘enemies’ and perceive everything as an attack when all he is trying to do is help me and I should be grateful because he is on my side.
He told me that I was abusive but could not give me a single example other than saying that I ‘terrorised’ him. At this point I broke down completely and told him how much I love him and that I couldn’t bear the thought that I had hurt him in anyway. He told me that he was suicidal, but not getting any help and it was obvious from the house that he is not coping.
He also told me that if I had apologised ‘properly’ rather than my ‘pathetic’ attempt in an email in (detail removed by Moderator) then there would have been hope. He said he considered himself an expert on apologies and could tell the genuine from the fake.
I asked why he thought this when one of the first things he told me about himself that he has ASD and that means he has difficulty understanding others. This was brushed away.
This went on for a couple of hours because I didn’t want to leave and he didn’t ask me to. I only left when he told me that he was relieved when I moved out and that he had wasted the last (detail removed by Moderator) years with me.

Despite all of this I sent him an email last night repeating how sorry I am, how heartbroken I am that I have hurt him and that I would do anything to put things right. I even told him that I didn’t care if he didn’t love me because I loved him enough for both of us.

I despair. I really do. I was doing so well. Now I can’t stop crying and hoping that I can get him back after all. I am a mess.

I am a mess.

[Anabela]

Hey. Take a deep breath. I know how you feel. Your ex so reminds me of mine. I would feel i am doing okay but once i am dragged into this kind of argument i feel i loose all my strength and power and just wanted to beg him to love me and take me back.he would use the same language as yours. But it is not just an argument. He is trying to make you feel all is your fault and poor him was so hurt. B******t.i personally think those kind of arguments is abuse of the worst kind. It is not your fault. And him telling you he was suicidal is just another technique. You dont need him. You are trauma bonded with him and i know that feeling when you want him back. But imagine how things would be like if you did get back together. He wouldnt change at all. And the story repeats. It is so d**n hard to remain no contact and tell to yourself we are done for good.but that’s when you start making steps towards your happiness and freedom. Please dont feel guilty for anything. Big hugs xx

[IrisAtwood]

Thanks Anabela. I wish neither of us were going through this. It hurts like hell.

[IrisAtwood]

While I was in the house he opened the upstairs window and picked my things up threatening to throw them out of the window. Then he ran downstairs banging on the wall with the flat of his hand. I felt scared and anxious but stayed calm and pretended that I was OK. I would never threaten to damage his belongings and can only imagine what he would accuse me of if I had banged the wall like that.
He also got his mobile phone out and started filming me and making accusations at me. I just continued to talk and behave normally.
Next he told me that he thought I was capable of great physical violence becuse of my ‘personality disorder’. When I asked him for any evidence of that ( he is an academic and sets great store by evidence) he told me that he was joking. I also asked him for evidence of me terrorising him and the only thing he came up with was that I raised my voice and accused him of humiliating me when in the street he had told my work colleague that he had dumped me.
I am starting to see that he was provoking me and wanted me to breakdown or do something silly.
All I ever wanted to do was love him and care for him. I still don’t understand why that wasn’t enough.

[IrisAtwood]

Several days later and I have had a reasonable week. Working every day but also looking after myself. Haven’t cried until today when I was going through a box of cards and found things that I bought from a holiday we had together. I miss what I thought he was so much. I miss being held and being kissed. I miss him stroking my hair. D**n it I miss him so much and I am so afraid that he will hurt himself.
I sent him an email asking him if he was OK and saying that if he didn’t reply I would have to contact the CPN or his GP. He is high risk and because he told me how he feels I now feel that I should pass that info on. But now I am worried that he will think I am manipulating him to stay in touch.
I can’t stop caring about him despite everything. I wish he loved me – we could have had such a lovely life together and he cannot cope on his own.
D**n it.

[Tiffany]

He can cope on his own. Report the suicide threats and go no contact. It’s the only way you can save your sanity. And only he can save himself. You couldn’t help him when you were together. There is no way to help now you are out, and any attempts put you in danger. I am sorry to be blunt about it, but nothing else will help. My ex was “heartbroken” when I left. In a completely dramatic gesture he handed in his notice on his job, went on several holidays and then basically demanded that I gave him all my money because he was so sad and I was so cruel to him that I deserved it! After I gave him all the money I could, he went off and got himself another job and is absolutely fine! These guys will stoop to nothing to manipulate you. Don’t let him pull you under.

[IrisAtwood]

I know that you are right. No contact was really helping until I broke it (detail removed by Moderator) ago and let him beat me up emotionally. It brought up the feelings with such strength it was painful.
They are sort of emotional vampires I think.

[Serenity]

Hi Iris,

I have been where you are. I went through the whole gamut of emotions- pleading with him to be nice, apologising for things that weren’t my fault. Anything to make the situation seem less horrible.

The thing that has helped me has been no contact. Not only has it protected me from further direct onslaughts, but it’s given me the space to heal and the chance to see things objectively. Without going No Contact, I couldn’t have recovered as well as I have. I still have the odd bad day, normally when triggered by something, but on the whole I have managed to drag myself out of that pit of agony and despair.

These abusers won’t ever take responsibility or see things objectively. They always make out they are the victims- so it’s a non-starter, trying to have a satisfying relationship with them. He may be academic, but he lacks the emotional maturity to behave correctly- just like my ex. He boasted that he’d been top of his year at school, but he has the emotional age of a six year old.

I hope you can manage to distance from him further and to avoid direct contact. Any direct contact with them is like getting a shot of something toxic.

Xx

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Serenity,
You are right. Because he told me he was suicidal (and he has made several attempts) I sent an email asking if he was OK. He didn’t reply, so I knocked on his door and when he opened it I just said ‘I’m checking you’re OK because you said you were suicidal.’
He looked terrible and very angry before telling me to leave him alone.
Since then I have been very upset again, crying, anxious, desperate. He looked so ill and so unhappy. I don’t understand why he has done all of this.
Sorry, I’m back down the rabbit hole – why do I keep doing this?
I was so good for so long, but recently I’m back to square one. It doesn’t help that another close relative is threatening suicide and a second one is having serious emotional difficulties. I just want to disappear as I don’t think I can take much more. It is all too much. I can’t sleep and feel sick a lot of the time.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Iris,
Just been reading your post and replies. You seem like a very caring, lovely lady who puts everyone else’s needs before your own. I’m always being told that you see, I recognise myself in you.
I was given a really good piece of advice which helps.
Air stewardess always instruct us to stop and put our own oxygen masks on first before helping others.
I think maybe you should stop and rescue yourself before helping your husband. Pass the information on to someone else and get away from it all for a while. If that’s not possible then busy yourself looking after you. Set yourself some achievable goals and get busy doing whatever preferably with a friend or family member to take your mind off him.
They monopolies our minds so that they are all we think about and worry about the things they do and say. They control our thoughts and actions. Take back control and break free.
I wish you peace and send you strength and courage
Good luck 😉

[IrisAtwood]

Thank you for responding freedom, I do feel as if he has hijacked my mind and I am too exhausted to fight it. I am lucky because my concentration is back so I can read and I also have a job that keeps my mind active. Outside those tmes it is hard though. Looking after myself is so hard because I have always put others first – especially my ex. Everything revolved around him and his needs. That has to change I know. xx

[IrisAtwood]

I’ve been breaking down in tears frequently since I saw him and saw how ill he looked. The contrast between how he was when we were together and how he is and how the house is now is so big and truly breaks my heart.
But it was his choice. He told me directly and through his behaviour that he did not love me as much as I loved him and that he had contempt for me.
When I breakdown I need to remember how badly he treated me: how he could see me crying and do nothing to comfort me, in fact he would actively make it worse; how he would ignore my needs; how he would humiliate me in private and in public.
I owe him nothing more than basic human decency. It is not my job to make things better for him. I cannot rescue him and he does not want to be rescued. I tried to be his guardian angel, but he chose to spit on me and try to destroy my wings. He took everything good that I gave him and ground it into the dirt.
I won’t stop sending him love and healing, but I am done wrestling in the dirt with him. I need distance to do that.

[Grateful]

You are so strong Iris Atwood. It is so hard to stay away but it will help to clear your vision and see his tactics for what they are. Any time you feel weak and want to make contact, read your last post and it will remind you of the reality. Big hug

[IrisAtwood]

Thanks Grateful. I’ve been crying so much again. I think I need to print out some of what I have written and keep it with me.
A friend of mine said to me last night that it was a tragedy that he is as ill and abusive as he is, but it would be a greater tragedy if he took me with him – as I am also feeling that I can’t go on.
The worst effect is that I don’t really trust other people and think that they don’t really like me and are only saying things because they should, not because they mean it.
My ex told me repeatedly that other people didn’t like me and that I didn’t really have any friends. He implied that the people I spent time with was only because they didn’t tell me to go away. He also told me that I was boring and stupid. It has gone so deep because he said the things that I am really afraid are true and I thought he was honest because of his ASD. One of the first things that he told me was that he couldn’t lie because of his Aspergers.

[Author]

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