Back to square one

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I received a call to go through another referral. I am back on high risk list. I experienced recently the most rapid negative response ever for something I said…I shook like a leaf, whether it was my nerves at seeing how abominably ridiculous the situation was and how it made me feel so frustrated, or the fact that I understood what was explained to me about escalation, I don’t know. But his reactions are right under his skin, ready to burst. All common sense goes out of the window, the physical reaction is immediate and expresses itself in abnormal behaviour.

I am meeting a new support worker later on this week. I feel like I am wasting precious agency resources, trying too hard to change my own reaction, trying to live an unnatural life to avoid causing friction in the family and eventually learning to live in another way to accommodate him. It was the only solution left for me to try. I should know it won’t work, if I talk, he doesn’t like it, if I don’t talk, he doesn’t like it either. I get texts where I get blamed, requested to take a good look at myself. I am responsible for his depression etc. They all contradict each other. I am not allowed to walk noisily, or give my children requests and small telling offs. I can’t be happy doing x (can’t say what, but it is something happy people do without maybe noticing it), I get criticised for doing nothing around the home, the list goes on.

I said to a friend I wish he would hit me. I would have my lesson because I am so resilient I can find ways to deal with the rest, I laugh about it all in my head, I am to a large extent free still. I felt like a fraud on the phone with the assessor precisely because the abuse is ”different” to what I heard other refuge ladies describe. Or at least I think that way. I feel like it is all water off a duck’s back. I have a special friend who is helping me with my recent decision. She doesn’t tire of listening to me or reading my texts, thank God I have her. It’s a road I am on for a while, it will either work or not. My own mum chose that road too, it wasn’t even a choice, she had no other choice in those days…and now she is a shell. I hate her for that. Rather, I hate her fate, what she lived under my own eyes while I was a little girl. She offers me no chance to know her as a woman. My dad ate her alive and he still does.

Work is my refuge. I love my work. If only I could find the courage to go ahead and believe in myself…

Sorry, just a good day today doing really well yet terminated badly by yet more texts.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Bridget,

I’m glad you reached out for support. My default position when living with abuse and abuser was to try and ‘cope’ on my own. I was very resilient and strong (all of us on here are), yet this good be my down-fall, I would keep trying to ‘survive’ an survivable situation. I was glad that eventually I admitted ‘defeat’, that living with an abuser was too much for me and my ‘gut’ told me I might not survive the abusive situation, that it might end (escalate) with me losing my life. That bit of reality finally made me lean on as much support as I could in every direction, to help me get out of my abusive relationship.

Gather all your supports around you. Read the posts everyday and post as often as you need. That action alone will strengthen you. Your abuser is getting stronger in his eyes and yours and you are getting weaker. He is on a ‘power-trip’ and because you have gone back into the relationship he thinks he is invincible. He’s not. Its his (and your illusion). He really is a cowardly bully and as my barrister said about my abuser ‘a complete waste of space’.

Meet with your support worker. Keep getting support from your good friend. Lean on us. I used ‘to shake’ like a leaf.

Remember Shinebright’ she eventually got away from her abuser, I feared for her like I fear for you. You will get out from your abusive relationship if you stay close and use all the DV services and forum you can.

Fight for your life and your recovery and your children’s lives (as their lives will be ruined if anything happens to you). Break the abuse pattern that has come down through generations of your family tree. Unfortunately your mother wasn’t able to do it and she lost herself, became a shell. Break the abuse pattern for your children. Show them there is another way. Hand down recovery from abuse instead of ‘being destroyed by abuse’.

We are here for you. Lean on all us ladies collective strength and experiences. You are no different to us, we all experience the same feelings of fear, helplessness, and weakness in our relationships with our abusers. You are in a strong position of ‘awareness’. You have seen through the ‘mask’ of your abuser. You are not in denial where you wouldn’t have a chance in freeing yourself from the abusive relationship. You are a lot further on in the process. You even took the brave step of leaving and went into a refuge. I couldn’t even do that. I had to wait until he (my abuser) discarded me! I was trapped by my religious beliefs so couldn’t end the marriage.

keep posting.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I was just thinking of u the other day, i didnt realize u went back to ex i thought u was still in refuge , its good u realize his behaviour is wrong,keep speaking with your suppoort worker and your friend, sometimes some ladies go back but then leave again when they are strong enough, keep your network strong, i beelive your body is telling u it is wrong how he beahves, unfortuaneley this is how these abusers work, whatever u do is not good enough for them, keep posting on here as much as u need to, please never think your problems are less than others

[Serenity]

Hi Bridget,

It’s hard to maintain distance whilst living under the same roof, as an abuser will be infuriated by your not taking the bait, and may step up the abuse to get a reaction. They hate to be ignored.

So whilst it is good that your children see you composed and that he can’t use your emotional responses against you, your attempt to rise above it when living with him is essentially putting you at greater risk.

I can only take the approach I do ( attempt non-reaction) because I don’t live with him and I am physically distanced from him. When he lived here and I had begun to try to ignore his abuse, he was being driven mad. He stepped up the cruelty to get a reaction.

I fear for you too, if this is his reaction. When you say the referral says you are high-risk, I hope this means that something will be put in place to protect you, whilst not forcing you to be separated from your children.

I agree that your husband is on a power trip, imagining that you have returned defeated and for him, when in fact you returned for your children.

Keep on communicating and asking for help from a wide variety of sources. You took a huge step in going to the refuge- keep that tempo going and work with others for a safe situation and living arrangement which will be conducive to your peace.

[Author]

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