30th October 2023 at 12:05 pm #162767Sad and aloneParticipant
So aside from a couple of niggles things have been okay. I have made an effort to be more tactile and be intimate on a more regular basis in the hope it would make us stronger. I have picked battles, done things his way, and I thought maybe we were getting somewhere.
Over the past few days I have had the feeling again that I can’t do anything right. It’s like it emanates off him. I try and carry on as normal and ignore comments and eye rolls etc but it gets to the point I just can’t. He starts questioning what have I been doing all day, insinuating I don’t do anything and he’s doing it all.
We’ve escalated today to a full blown argument. I’m tired of the whole thing. On the outside I have it all, but he constantly complains about everything and the “way I am”. Says I fail at everything, I’m no good. He gets stupid about things like how I drink a drink, or other small things which are really irrelevant and of no importance. He criticises everything. It’s stupid as if we were just boyfriend and girlfriend I’d’ve dumped him long ago. Because we’re married I think you need to work at it, or this is the way things are when you’ve been in a long relationship. It seems like a waste of life to call it quits, but we’re just going round in albeit very big circles.
What is the next step at this stage? I’ve tried keeping a diary but it is literally all miserable stuff. I only write in it at bad times as I otherwise my life is basically the same and not much to report!
Should I try and get some counselling to work out what I want to do? Or how to do it? Or should I speak to a solicitor? I’m sure there was a place I could contact recommended here before but can’t remember what it was. I would be losing so much by splitting up but I’ve come to realise I am just a character in his world. That’s how I think of my life now. I’m living in his world, not the real world.
Just feeling down. How long do you keep trying for? If I say I want to call it a day he just tells me no, I need to change. I can’t see a way out as I don’t know what is so bad about me.
31st October 2023 at 3:50 pm #162786LisaMain Moderator
Hi Sad and alone,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. part of domestic abuse is chipping away at your self esteem, self worth, making you feel you are to blame. You mentioned how long do you keep trying for- but you haven’t described a partner that is willing to change- he is abusive and isn’t taking accountability for his actions.
Its completely up to you where you go from here. If you feel you need free legal advice you could contact Rights of Women. They are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements; lesbian parenting. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm). They also have a line for women in London on 020 76-8 1137 (Mon 10am-12pm and 2-4pm, Tues-Weds 2-4pm, Thurs 10am-12pm and 2-4pm).
Take care and keep posting
2nd November 2023 at 9:01 pm #162833MamabraveParticipant
Hi sad and alone,
I hear you, it sounds like you are making a lot of allowances and getting no respect or love in return.
I feel similar, my husband is constantly instructing me on what to do and even commands me to go and pick up his phone and pass it to him. Micro manages how I look after the baby but hardly ever does stuff for her.
He also gets so angry and calls me bad names when he feels he has to do inconvenient things.
I found watching you tube videos on (detail removed by Moderator) abuse very useful.
20th November 2023 at 8:40 am #163381Sad and aloneParticipant
Thanks for the replies.
Mamabrave we never had children. It didn’t work out, just never hapoened. Recently I had to take a test to check and was thinking prior what if I was pregnant, but although you’d think after it not happening for so so long you’d be uplifted I just kept coming back to the knowledge that everything I did with the baby or how the child was brought up would be questioned and it would be something else that had to be done his way as I wouldn’t know any better. Fortunately I’m not pregnant – unfortunately I think it is related to the later change in life so something else to deal with.
We’ve had massive rows again this weekend. I can’t stand this criticism. I feel so depressed. I am crying on and off, especially as I think about my parents who have both passed away. How they’d be so angry about it all. What I’d give to have them back or see them again…
I dared to question something he’d done in response to his criticism of me and he just blew up. And then I have to hear how I’ve brought nothing to the relationship for the entire time. How he’s brought in all the money and I haven’t contributed financially yet are querying what he’s done with money. Because I was told to stay in my job even when I wanted to try something different. Always told no because I have to be home for whatever reason. And again when I say if I am so bad and useless why am I still here I get told he does love me and I just need to change.
21st November 2023 at 12:42 am #163405swanlakeParticipant
Counselling could also be an option to build self esteem and work out what you might like to do.
My family still do and my abuser used to put me down and criticise me. I had low self esteem for years but now realise that I’m good enough as I am.
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