Bad, but not bad enough

[TeaTeaTea]

I’ve been contacting support agencie and had a chat with a solicitor, and this is essentially what I keep coming up against – his behaviour is wrong, but not bad enough for us to help, take any action, etc.

So, whether I…

a) tell him I want to seperate
b) leave and tell him afterwards

…is on me. So, I either tell him and risk him making me leaving as difficult as possible, or I leave without him knowing and deal with his reaction later. The solicitor did point out that this approach may antagonise him, so it might actually be worse, particularly if I move our daughter from her (our) home and then have to justify why I believe that’s in her interests.

Anyone been in this situation?

[diymum@1]

what sort of abuse are you dealing with?for me it was verbal and emotional at the time i involved a solicitor. i was told by the lawyer more or less the same. He had said to my daughter “your a peice of s**t and so is your mum” i said i wanted to take action, we had more or less had enough of his intimidation and harassment by this point. THis comment was the straw that broke the camels back. I was told ” this is not a show stopper” the solicitors actual words – i told him well it is for us. you could get a second opinion – does your lawyer have a good grasp of dv? xx

[Anonymous]

I feel you. We are often told that what we have suffered from is not bad enough. I felt terrible that I had not suffered enough at my ex’s hands (even though I had).

I thought this was why I wasn’t believed but women who went through much more obvious injuries than me are still disregarded by the legal system.

[KIP.]

It’s the most dangerous time for a woman when ending an abusive relationship and the time afterwards so please be guided by women’s aid. Make a quiet safe exit plan. Leave and use your solicitor to arrange supervised contact maybe at a contact centre. He does not need to know your new address. And change your solicitor. Her advice can get you badly hurt or worse. Get a third party to act as a contact point and go no direct contact. That way your child is kept out of harms way because he will use the child or children to hurt you.

[maddog]

TeaTeaTea, there is no such thing as Not Bad Enough. I believed it for so long. I normalised the abnormal. It is a way of survival.

Please speak to Women’s Aid and use a solicitor who works with domestic abuse.

Keep a diary of your interactions. I started doing this years ago on an online forum and was being told that my then husband was sexually assaulting me. It took me a long time to realise that he was raping me. I had thought, quite early on in the relationship that he had raped me and I swept it under the carpet.

You are doing really well to post on here. Please keep posting.

Abuse can be really hard to recognise at the beginning and really hard to understand.

Your experience needs to be validated.

[teabag]

I would like to know on what grounds the abuse is not enough.?
What has he done?
Agree that a solicitor who deals with DA is appropriate.

[TeaTeaTea]

Sorry, probably should have clarified.

She is a DA solicitor. Because the abuse is mostly emotional, rather than physical it’s hard to prove anything. She said my partner will say he was just joking, etc. and so unless the situation suddenly changed, then there’s not much she can help me with.

So, what he’s said verbally is not bad enough that he can’t claim it wasn’t a joke or misunderstanding, and anything physical is “rough play” so not bad enough.

[diymum@1]

i would get a second opinion – emotional abuse is coersion and that is unlawful. she might only understand the dynamics of the cycle of abuse – not the finer details. being emotionally abusive then joking about it is gas lighting its manipulation. the courts are versed in this – have you written down everything thats happened? have you read the verbally abusive relationship? by Patricia Evans – its a good book to pick up on the subtleties of dv. i personally wouldnt let this lie even on the advice of a lawyer. I was told the same theres no use in pursuing this but in the end they took me seriously xx if this is having and an adverse effect on you professionals have to take responsibilty to stop this. im not sure what your situation is but you should have to keep putting up with this. its your right to live a life free from abuse xx i hope your ok love diymum xx

[diymum@1]

sorry im repeating myself here! i have to say though reading it back the lawyer is actually saying you shouldnt get him angry because then you and your child will then be in danger! erm that is not good advice at all xx id personally get the police involved and let them know that your both scared of him and what he could potentially do if this escalates. the police know dv escalates at the point of separation xx

[Iwantmeback]

I to would get a second opinion. The solicitor I spoke with through my local WA, he read a statement which described what you’re going through to a T. Any form of verbal abuse, if it makes you uncomfortable or you get a feeling you can’t just put your finger on, a Good DA solicitor well take your case and would never imply for you not to rock the boat. They obviously don’t know enough about DA if they advised the obvious. Keep posting and learning. Knowledge is power. Some solicitors need to be enlightened to the depths of DA that’s all.
IWMB 💕💕

[TeaTeaTea]

Thanks all. I am getting a second opinion.

I think I may have worded something wrong based on the replies I’m getting…the solicitor suggest that things might be worse in the long term if I followed the advice that WA gave me to leave first and then tell my partner. They suggested it may be better to talk to him first, if at all possible. So, they’re not advising against rocking the boat, I don’t think, unless I’ve completely misunderstood.

[maddog]

I have found the civil law to be a nightmare.

What you do depends very much on your living circumstances. If you have any legal help attached to any insurance you could call on that. Rights Of Women is brilliant if you can get through.

Please report as much as you can to the police when you are able. My ex would not have left the house without their involvement. I have not felt at all protected by the civil courts and there have been times when I have been oh so frustrated with my solicitor. It is a very frustrating process and it is likely that your solicitor is trying to warn you and not break the bank.

[teabag]

Such a tricky situation. Priority is that you and your child are safe.

Do you have family who can support you?

What would happen in your opinion if you did tell him that his behaviour is frightening you?

Manipulators are very good and convincing others it’s your fault or they have some insane excuse for their behaviour.

You need backup if you leave, somewhere to stay, money etc. Look into everything that you might need and make sure you can access what you need.

Keep us posted here. Sending you strength.

[Author]

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