Bad day

[Bonnie]

Hi
Having another awful Sunday morning after yet another awful Saturday night. My husband is a controlling bully and i just want to get out but dont seem to have the guts to do it. He can be really nice during the week but come the weekend when he’s had a drink thats when it all starts, i say he can be nice during the week but i guess i’m kidding myself, he’s nice if i do what he wants. He constantly calls me names, says i nag and talk to much, tells me i’m a b***h when in reality i feel like i watch everything i say so it doesnt start him off and feel i grovel to calm situations down, for example i go to bed on a Saturday, he stays down stairs but then he starts making noise to make it impossible for me to sleep, (detail removed by moderator) was particularly bad as he started the usual how c**p i am eveything is my fault, smashed a (detail removed by moderator) and got in my face shouting at me whilst i just sat there and let him rant. We have a mortgage and i’ve said to him about leaving and having his name taken off and setting him up in a flat but he just wont go. I dont want to be with him, i’m happy when he’s not around, i feel used by him, i’m not scared of been on my own but just dont know why i cant get the guts to really get thing moving and saying hey thats it, were over for good this time, we dont have kids so its not as if i’m staying for that reason but i dont want this to be my life, i never imagined in a million years when i met him it would end up like this. Any advice greatly welcomed.

[KIP.]

You can’t do this safely on your own. You need to contact your local women’s aid. Keep a journal of his behaviour and please ring 999 if you’re scared. We minimise the abuse but it escalates. What he’s doing is illegal. You’re scared because you know in your gut that he’s dangerous and won’t make things easy for you but staying isn’t safe for you. You could get some advice from a solicitor. Most offer initial free advice. You could have him removed from the property but you need to gather evidence. Please inform your GP of his abuse. Reach out and ask for help. There is help out there. Weekends are horrible because they’re about all the time but his drinking is not to blame for the abuse. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he can control his abusive behaviour because he does this when there are no witnesses.

[Cecile]

HiBonnie what you described brought me back to what I experienced for decades, being ranted at and screamed at up in my face, irrationaL criticism, verbal abuse, etc. These men operate within a very narrow range of behaviours and they always always know exactly what they are doing. The abuse is not triggered by you, you do not drive them to despair, they are making a cold decision to behave that way too us. Planning is every thing. Keeping a journal helps to shore up your confidence and can take the place of a confidante when you most need it. It is good evidence- even recording how he makes you feel is important as part of this. Feeling as off you might be hit or physically harmed is common assault, for example. Befriend Bonnie, see yourself as you see a good friend or daughter or younger sister and imagine her in your place. It is possible to leave and be happy and thrive.

[Bonnie]

Thank you for your replies and advice.
Beach hut i think i will have no option but as to sell the house, how did it go for you when you told him you were selling? I cant imagine that he will take this well and i can imagine he will be difficult about it as he is with most things. I hadn’t thought of keeping a journal, i will start doing this.
I have told my brother a little of what goes on, he is suppourtive and listens when i need a chat, i dont have a lot of close friends but i know things have got to stop and i’ve given him enough chances and things dontchange for long, he is very manlipulative but i know i dont deserve this life, i just want to be me and be happy

[Author]

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