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(detail removed by moderator) ago was the only time I went against him to leave the house and meet someone f2f (with all covid precautions in place); it was the first time I’ve seen and spoken anyone (apart from him) in 16 months.
On my return, I was met with alternating rage and silent treatment which lasted a few days. He says if I do it again, the same thing will happen. Yes I could in theory stand my ground and go out, but the fallout was so awful I don’t feel like I can go through it again.
We go out for a drive and I see everyone else living their lives, as normally as they can in these unusual times and I feel so detached from it all. I need to go to 2 appointments (it’s not like I’m saying I want to spend hours going round the shops or anything), but he won’t hear of it. If I try and bring the subject up, I get shouted and sworn at, accused of being selfish and wanting to put him at risk. We can no longer have a rational conversation about it, it always descends into a row.
We are together 24/7/365 and both have health problems, but I do the lionshare of everything. I do some voluntary work from home which helps stop me from going completely insane but lately even that isn’t helping.
We’re both double jabbed and with precautions I don’t see that going out occasionally is particularly high risk, but he’s adamant that with cases rising rapidly again, we have to remain in our own lockdown.
I don’t have any family at all. Our house is in a state of semi repair because he won’t allow any workmen to come inside, so we can’t even sell the place. There’s no way of getting out of the house without him knowing, so even if I did manage it, I’d have to leave literally everything behind, and I don’t see why I should, it’s my home.
I’m close to breaking point, mainly because I don’t see an end to it.
Sorry, I just needed to vent. -
He has you imprisoned. I’m not surprised you’re at breaking point.
He may genuinely be worried about Covid but even if he is, he is using it as an excuse to keep you inside. There is no point trying to reason with him about being double jabbed etc – he doesn’t care; he cares that he is isolating you.
You may be able to get an order against him to get him out of your home, the other ladies will be able to explain these to you.
You do need to go to your appointments and whilst you are there, please ask for help. xx
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Oh this is very difficult. I do know a number of people who have literally shut out the world because of covid risks as they have underlying health conditions. I also know people whose anxiety is overwhelming because of fears of the risks.
Although my kids go to school, we only go out when absolutely necessary as again have people with serious risk conditions in the house.
So I can certainly see both sides here. But, you are not happy. You want a different lifestyle and are willing to accept more risks and he is trying to control your life because of his fears about his own.
I don’t think this situation is straightforward. If life is unbearable then I think you should plore your options to leave. Please think about chatting to Womens Aid and seeing what the options are for you. They will be able to advise you on an exit plan so that his anxieties do not imprison you in the house against your will. -
Hello Darknessallaround,
I just wanted to offer some support as I can hear how difficult things are for you at the moment.
Unfortunately, we know that one element of domestic abuse can be isolation. Perpetrators of domestic abuse often gradually cut women off from friends, family and support network, causing them to feel more trapped in the relationship as they do not have a ‘voice of reason’ to help them in recognising the abuse or they may feel dependant on the abuser, or that they have no where to go, or no one to turn to, if and when they decide to leave.
With the pandemic, we know that abusers have been using this to isolate women further, to stop them from spending time with others or from having independence. The fears your partner is expressing may also be making you feel anxious or fearful of the outside world, inevitably leading you to feel reluctant to go out. This is very psychologically manipulative.
There is never an excuse for abusive behaviour. Even if your partners concerns are legitimate, it is not acceptable to control, intimidate or verbally abuse someone who has a different opinion or outlook than us. It sounds exhausting what you are going through and I am glad that you are reaching out for support.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Take care and keep posting.
Lisa
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