25th November 2020 at 8:03 am #116759ByzantiumParticipant
I had a really bad day (detail removed by moderator). I could see his mood was starting to shift over the weekend. He had been really nice over the last month or so but had started getting irritable and dropping in the odd sarcastic comment or put down into conversation. (Detail removed by moderator) he got really angry with me because we don’t have enough set. He has a very high sex drive and he relates sex with love very closely. We have sex (detail removed by moderator) times per week usually but he says this isn’t enough and the reason he was angry is because I should want it as often as him and I should initiate it. He started telling me how bored he is of our sex life, that I’m no good in bed. That he is so bored (detail removed by moderator). He started talking about how he is so angry he could could punch me, how he can’t stand to be around me (detail removed by moderator). I feel like I need to think through my responses or before I say something in case he takes offence or makes him angry. He says I only care about work which is strange because I don’t work overtime and I work sociable hours so it’s not like I’m always in work. I don’t talk about work at hone either. He doesn’t work so I need to so we can pay the bills. He was angry with me because I don’t shout back at him or say horrible things to him – if I’m arguing I want to keep it about the issue rather than make hurtful remarks. He says there is something wrong with me, that I should argue back, (detail removed by moderator), I should want sex more, want to talk about sex more, I should think of exciting things for us to do in the bedroom (detail removed by moderator). Finding out I’m rubbish at wax was a bit of a surprise to me and it makes me less confident in doing things. Every time he blows up he says he doesn’t want to be with me and we should split up, (detail removed by moderator) – this makes me nervous about getting married. If he reacts like that every time it doesn’t make me feel secure in the relationship knowing he could throw in towel at any point. The last thing he said to me (detail removed by moderator). Sometimes I think I’m being over sensitive and other times I don’t.
25th November 2020 at 8:53 am #116762HawthornParticipant
Oh B I just want to give you a hug!
Bad day is right! I got a bit teary reading your post as I could have written it about my abuser. And this IS abuse, make no mistake. He has deliberately created confusion in your mind by chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem.
You’re doing so well not engaging in the fights, he wants you to start shouting back so can he twist things and say he’s the victim and you’re the abusive one. Continue to say as little as possible- your silence is your power.
He is coercing you into sex- that is not part of any healthy relationship. I endured it for years too so I do understand but it is wrong. What he is telling you makes no sense- you’re no good in bed but he wants to have sex with you all the time?? This is about power and control, not differing sex drives.
Every time my partner blew up at me he would shout that the relationship was over, I could F**k off back to (I’m not from the UK) etc…this was another tactic to make me insecure and keep me off balance. Easier to control.
Things got worse after we bought the house together and got married. The cycles of abuse got shorter and closer together, I got more anxious and depressed (read; terrified and miserable)
Keep your counsel, do NOT confront him and educate yourself about abuse. Google the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance. If you can tell a friend or family please do, you need support. If you can reach out to your local womens aid please please do. Reading Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” helped me understand my situation and get out. Leaving my abusive relationship is THE BEST thing I have ever done in my entire life. It was also the most difficult.
This is YOUR one wild beautiful life. Not to endured with a controlling man who shouts at you but to enjoyed doing the things YOU want to do.
You dont deserve this abuse. You deserve so much better.
Sending love and light (and hugs!)
25th November 2020 at 11:59 pm #116803gettingtiredParticipant
You’re absolutely not being sensitive. He sounds like a real bully. His arguments don’t make any sense. He’s saying one thing about you then demanding another. My partner is similar in that he will sometimes tell me he can’t bare to be around me, wake up to me, talk to me, look at me blah blah. He also tells me doesn’t want to be with me whenever there is a big argument or says our relationship was over ‘years ago’ or a long time ago, whatever that means. Then he might talk about planning a holiday together a bit later if things have simmered down! None of it makes sense does it?
You mentioned you felt nervous about getting married. Is that what you’re planning on doing? You deserve so much more from life than having to tiptoe around on eggshells, anxious about when he may throw the towel in as you said. It’s horrible living on edge, I know because I’m doing it now.
I agree with Hawthorn about the Lundy Bancroft book. I found that really helpful.
I’m sorry you’re in the situation you’re in, as I said I’m in it too and it’s so difficult facing the idea of leaving but we deserve more from life than this xx
26th November 2020 at 11:15 pm #116867CamelParticipant
Isn’t it more than one bad day?
Read back your recent posts. He withholds affection when he’s been nice to you yet demands sex when he’s been nasty. He wants to stab you yet wants a child with you. Threatens to leave yet wants to marry you. Wants more sex yet insults and demeans you.
You’re not over sensitive. Deep down you know this. Keep posting x
27th November 2020 at 6:01 am #116873Freedom @Participant
Please please please whatever you do, do not marry this man. Do not sign your life away. Havnt much more advice other than that. X
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.