Bad dreams

[Lottieblue]

I thought I was doing so well, but last night, for the first time since I left, I had really nasty dreams about him. I can’t really remember what happened but he was mean. It was horrible.
I am struggling at the moment. I have reduced my AD’s because I was feeling on top of everything, so maybe it’s just the effects of that, but I’m also really hating the fact that two of our (detail removed by moderator) are with him. Why should he get a family life while I’m living in sone hole trying to pick up the pieces of my life? Ironically, even though he hasn’t changed a jot, they find him more bearable now that I’ve left because they no longer have to witness his behaviour towards me. How unfair is that?
How am I ever going to get back on track? I feel like I’ve lost everything.

[Eggshells]

Hi LB,

So sorry to hear you are struggling.

I can’t remember if you’ve had any treatment for symptoms of PTSD or not? If the dreams persist, it might be worth looking in to.

Are you able to talk to your children and ask them to divide their time between you and your ex? It’s a perfectly reasonable request. Once they’ve started staying with you I suspect they’ll want to stay more often as it’ll be a much more relaxing atmosphere for them at your house than it is at their father’s house.

Sending big hugs and love. xx

[Lottieblue]

Thanks, Eggshells, for your lovely reply.
They wouldn’t spend more time with me because that is their home. The (detail removed by moderator) are there, there is (detail removed by moderator) they can do… it’s their home. I left it. There is no “life” for them with me, no friends, no home comforts, nothing familiar. They come, they visit, but then they leave.
The youngest won’t go to him at all. He knows how much better off he is without his dad. But he’s away working and goes to (detail removed by moderator) when that job ends. They’ll all be back at (detail removed by moderator) then. But for the time being they are with him. ☹️

I’m having counselling. She’s great. But it’s getting hard again. There’s just stuff I don’t want to address. I feel so stupid and inadequate. I feel like I’ve lost everything.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lottieblue,

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
You are not stupid or inadequate. Everything is unfair about abusive relationships, even post-separation.
There is so much loss and so much grief. I hope for healing. Make your home your sanctuary.
I don’t know how to help. But I hope your life will be filled with new friends and hobbies, laughter and joy.
xx

[iliketea]

Hi Lottieblue, so sorry to read your post. I had an assessment for PTSD recently. It sounds contradictory but bad dreams are actually a sign that your brain and body finally know you are safe. The same with the meltdown I have had recently, when I thought things were going so well and was even considering cutting down and weaning off the ADs. The woman who assessed me was extremely professional and explained the effect of trauma to me and all the signs of it. Lots of things I hadn’t even realised. And she said it is perfectly normal at this time frame (I know we are at a similar point), to suddenly take a massive dip. It is part of the process and its a good idea to practice some grounding techniques regularly and calming exercises too, she said exercise also had a place but for now, whilst in the trauma reacting mode – bad dreams etc – to regulate the mind and body as much as possible to the here and now. 5/4/3/2/1 is one technique she explained with sight, sound, touch, taste, can’t remember the order – maybe don’t do 5 tastes as that might move into the realm of comfort eating!! I said that to the assessment lady and she didn’t laugh!
I’ve also just spoken to my IDVA who gave good advice for this trough – go with it, indulge it and feel it, it is the only way to get through it, I think like me you are probably a coper and a marcher on-er, and think about others before ourselves. SO, time to put you first. Do everything you want to do right now, indulge, however that looks like, if you’re not living in a nice place, if you can maybe go somewhere nice, have a coffee in a fancy hotel lobby, in a nice cafe, take a book to a beautiful library and sit and read, or a museum or gallery. Or cinema, best feeling in the world going to the cinema in the middle of the day and having it to yourself with a comforting coffee and a slice of something indulgent.
I just said exactly the same too, about there be nothing here for my children when they’re with me, no family, no friends, no comforts, treats etc, and it isn’t fair, I’m with you on that. BUT what they do have, and what I am sure they can feel in contrast is LOVE, they have your love and your safety. Don’t doubt that. It will work out in the end. Have you considered being able to get back home? Or having the house sold?
Finally, yes, the ADs did give me vivid dreams at the start so that may happen when you wean off too. Could you do something to counteract it? Or find out how long its likely to last, i seem to remember it was 2 weeks at the start. So maybe prep for that? Recognise you’ll have them and be prepared, glass of milk by your bed and a biscuit or whatever is a treat for you, wake up properly put the light on, splash face with water, put on the radio, sit up and read a book, so your brain isn’t mulling over the nightmare and retraumatising you. You could also try writing it down which is the same as telling someone. It will get it out of your brain.
If you can I would try and get an assessment for c-ptsd too.
Sending you a massive hug. stay strong, you’ve done the right thing, it will take a while to recuperate and mend after so long. Your children are young adults and they understand i am sure of it.
xxxx

[Lottieblue]

ILT thank you…
So… who does the PTSD assessment, and is it necessary to have a formal diagnosis? Or is it something the therapist can just work on?
Your words make a lot of sense, it’s back to basics in a way, isn’t it? After reading your post I forced myself out and went to an exhibition I knew was on at a gallery and met a couple of friends there. It’s funny, I’ve had a feeling of loneliness over the past few days which I haven’t felt since leaving – the sense of relief has been stronger, and I had such good support from people who were looking out for me. I’m sure it’s to do with the kids.
Your words have levelled me, made me think straight. I need to go back to more of an intensive bedtime routine, I think, all the things I did to take care of me, relax, feel safe. I don’t want him intruding again.
I hope that you are on the way out of your own trough, too.
Big hugs x*x

[Eggshells]

Hi LB

I also thought my sons wouldn’t want to stay with me for all the reasons you mentioned.

I asked them if they woukd come and stay and both did. My eldest ended up living with me even though it was a long way from his friends and the home he grew up in.

Their friends are still near to where their father lives but both of them have had their friends here for get together. I never thought that I’d have them all gathering here but they do and they have loved it. My oldest has moved out now as I’ll soon be without a home again and he’s moving on to the next stage of his life but it’s been lovely having him.

Please ask them. xx

[Lottieblue]

A little update.
Eggshells, thank you for encouraging me. I didn’t do exactly as you suggested, but I did have the courage to be a little brazen. It’s just such a horrible time at the moment, and I find myself crying regularly, which I haven’t really done since I left.
I saw all my kids, briefly, this weekend, for a family thing. One barely spoke to me. The other two were at each other’s throats in such a vile way. They actually have horribly similar personalities and are both very bright so it gets nasty. They just don’t know how to be nice to each other.
As the middle child left, I cried and I spoke honestly. I haven’t done that before, not since leaving, because I’ve wanted to protect them. I told her he didn’t deserve her loyalty, and that this is killing me.
You know what, I’m glad I did. Maybe that will be moderated out so it won’t make sense but no great shakes. I just let her know that I feel hard done by by her and her brother’s behaviour towards me. And I’m really glad I did. I’m fed up of their dad being the victim. I’m fed up of everyone thinking that I’ve just picked myself up and shaken myself down and got on with things and that he’s the one who needs looking after. I’m fed up of the man who did nothing for those children when they were children, suddenly reaping the benefits of my work now that they’re adults – and cutting me out!!
It’s not their fault, it’s his.

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