Bad month, I think I actually hate him now…(rant)

[deathangel]

Since 22nd May I have been exercising more, eating better, drinking more water and generally getting out and about more. So in one way this has been a “better” month.

BUT we have hardly exchanged words, there is no intimacy and when we do speak, the usual sarcasm, putting down, making fun of me and belittling/minimising what I say (saying I am going on, when I have been speaking for a solid minute without him interrupting or being rude, I am “monologuing” or making a “diatribe”), being ignored when I want to actually have a conversation…the list goes on. Nothing has changed, apart from the mojo slowly improving. I am getting stronger. Yet, this morning when I asked a simple question (it is always straight forward questions that set him off) I get a biting, sarcastic response, which I am supposed to find funny. Instead of just telling me he did not understand the question, he has to be the big man with full on nasty sarcasm. And when I react I am the bad one, I am the one who is at fault again, I am the one going on, I am the one to blame for everydamnthing! So as you do (as you would do in a normal relationship, where two people are equals), you try and sort it out to smooth out the misunderstanding, to ask for some respect (why do we have to ask for respect? All I asked him to do was refrain from sarcasm, as it does not make for an easy conversation)…BAM! The whole world is coming to an end, I am “stalking” him (yeah he has accused me of stalking him when he has cut me off mid-conversation because he does not like what he is hearing and I have tried to call him back a few times), because he is ignoring me and not wanting me to finish what I need to say (I try to call him a few times to finish what I had to say after he cuts me off AGAIN). Stonewalling, ignoring…so I asked him if I told him to stop when he was saying things I did not like and he was “going on”, would that be okay? I mean, if he can tell me to shut up, cut me off, ignore me, not let me speak or have an opinion (because only his opinion is right and counts), push me away, throw me off of him when I want to cuddle him, is is not fair that I should be able to do the same? Oh but I am sarcastic too, I always go on, I always…he turns it all around. The point of discussion was his sarcasm and it then became about how “people have noticed how you go on”. Somehow he recruits imaginary supporters in conversations to try to make me feel bad. What people? Who has noticed I go on? Oh yeah, my teenage son who says exactly the same things he does. He copies him, so yeah he has one backer, the teenage son who he encourages to disrespect me by calling me mad, there must be something wrong with her, look at her, why is she going on and on? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

We have no relationship and then he says he loves me in a text after I put the phone down angry. No, no he does not love me and I most certainly do not love him, respect him or feel anything for him anymore. How can I? He says and does so many cruel and horrible things. He tries to avoid being home. He spends hours away from home, yet I have to account for the all the time I want to spend doing what I want. And he asks to come with me wherever I go, or wnats to pick me up when I have gone for a walk. In fact I hate him even being near me, he makes my skin crawl and I think I really do hate him for everything he has done to me and my family. Oh, did I mention he told me to accept any money my father offers to give me for holidays and whatever. Such a scab!

I have not been this angry or upset for a while, but then I was attempting to make contact, to talk, you know how people talk, normal people. Nope, that was just too much. Plus his medication ran out, he let it run out again (when I have said he should be ordering more with 2 weeks to go)…irresponsible…but yeah it is all my fault, the fact he was sarcastic in response to a simple question and I got upset at that is all my fault. It is all my fault. As usual. The fact that he was sarcastic and nasty in the first place had nothing to do with anything, did it? Nope.

[deathangel]

Just had a phone call. Instead of collecting his medication on the way to work, he has left it (detail removed by Moderator). He has counselling (detail removed by Moderator). He did not realise until now. So he is trying to get one of us to collect his prescriptions for him. My daughter who hates his guts, is not answering the phone to him, me (I do not have means to make my bike safe if I pick it up on the way home from work)…oh well he says….trying to make US feel bad because he did not get his medication sorted out before it ran out, etc AGAIN, this is about the fourth time he has done this and the last time I ran around for him while he was out with friends (detail removed by Moderator)(yeah I had to collect his stuff while he was out hahahahaha!), was defo the last time I will help him out with his irresponsible ways. AGAIN! Unbelieveable. I do not feel guilty because he has a right go and rant at his son and my son and other people who leave things until the last minute, yet he does it all the time. So annoying. Does stupid things, panics and makes a mess. Well he needs to be more responsible and to grow up. So now he has to cancel his counselling session (for his mental health) so he can collect his prescriptions. And that is our fault, my fault. Him not remembering to order it on time, in the first place, is not the issue, though is it? Nope! I am not helping him when he gets in a mess anymore.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Dear Deathangel,
What you describe here copies my personal situation, from blame shifting to mind f.ckering (sorry for the vulgarity), to word salad and denial, reinventing the subject, contradicting, inflicting psychological abuse through ignoring, projecting, manipulating (in such a clever instintive way you wonder if they have had personal training in manipulation techniques…), sending you in a total spin and inflicting enough damage to cause you anger, anxiety, self doubt, confusion, panic attacks, questioning your own sanity…it’s utter torture.
You will find the “I love you” thrown randomly (or not) is a method of brainwashing, like inflicting pain on someone while repeating I love you, just to make you think your torturer knows better than you, or can better you, make you see some unfathomable truth you do not possess about life, love or goodness knows why. Cults use that method, abusive parents too. It’s like brainwashing political prisoners. It sounds far fetched maybe but I recently looked at a video explaining what all this does to the brain causing major damage by creating cognitive dissonance.

Maybe Google manipulation techniques, cognitive dissonance, etc. Very useful…

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi deathangel,

Are you still in a relationship with him or have you split up? I can relate to all the sarcasm, mocking, laughing at me the talking over me, it is crazy-making and very emotionally abusive. It’s technique they use to avoid facing the truth about their behaviour, my ex usually did it when I was getting close to the truth about something he was hiding from me, and also when I was trying to split up with him. It’s not possible to talk normally with abusive people as they are not wired like the rest of us and they use any opportunity for discussion to manipulate.

If you’ve split up, definitely go no contact, it’s such a relief not to have to deal with it and you really have no need to put it with someone who treats you like that. It is worrying that he is training your son to abuse you too, I would be very careful about that, children can learn aggressive and abusive behaviour as they are malleable at that age and need to be taught how to respect people, have boundaries etc. You can provide that positive role model for your son but if your partner is abusive it will not be a set a good example for him.

If you haven’t split up, then obviously it’s up to you, but put yourself first and know that you deserve love, kindness, respect and that abusive men rarely if ever change.

[deathangel]

Thanks SunshineRainflower for the reply!

We are still together. Mainly because I have nowhere to go and I do not want to give up the house which we jointly own. I know his behaviour is affecting my son (beyond normal angsty teenage hormonal stuff) He has been physically intimidating towards him since the get go, pushing, prodding, embarrassing my son in a public place once when he was younger, making him feel small and worthless by his comments. I feel so guilty, but at the same time I should not have to be the one to leave, if it is my partner’s behaviour which is causing all the problems. Yeah, sounds belligerent, I know. I have asked him to leave. He refused. I have told him to leave. He refused. He says I should be the one to go. Nope. Not budging an inch. Then he says he loves me again. Same vicious cycle.

He just phoned me again, complaining that my daughter is not answering the phone to him or his texts. And? We also have lives, we also get busy (hmmm he chooses not to answer/ignore, not read my texts, so how on earth is this any different, oh yeah cos he is the almighty and we must jump and obey!)…phoning me just to rant, complain, have a go, nothing has changed. Same selfish behaviour. He thinks he has changed plenty. Says all the things that abusive men say (have read the Lundy Bancroft books) when they promise to change. Then puts it all back on me.

[Nova]

Ohhh I’m reading my/our journey. I don’t think I can say much more than has already been said. I can relay similar/same as to you, if you want to DM me please feel free.
What I would advise is read up from experts like The Dominator – Pat Craven..she describes the head worker.

That’s who we know…sadly.

Hugs Cx

[Mixedup]

that was life was like for me with my ex. I’m only now realising how bad things worse that I’ve left.
because now i’m on my own, (well with my 2 children) i find that I’m incapable of making my own decisions, i stumble about and try and let other people make the decision for me. I’m struggling to find a way to move forward. its very difficult when you don’t know which way to turn, and when you don’t have any like or respect for the person that looks back at you in the mirror.
i freeze when people touch me, i panic inside when my work colleagues hug me affectionately. i froze when the dentist touched my jaw.
but on the good side of this in the mornings i get to sit and have breakfast with my children. i’m not spending half an hour trying to wake my ex up, i’m not spending that time getting his bag ready. I’m not spending that time scared of what insult he will call me when he finally wakes up. I’m not spending that time telling my children to hush so they don’t wake up, because if he wakes up to them arguing he starts shouting and swearing. ever tried to stop a (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) year old from arguing when they’ve just woke up/ it’s exhausting.
i still think its my fault. i still think that theres something about me that just kept annoying him. he’s right i am annoying, i’m sarcastic and i’m judgemental i know I’m not a nice person but i tried.

[deathangel]

Thank you for all the replies Bridget Jones Is Free, Cuppa and Mixedup. A place to vent safely is really appreciated!

My head is spinning again today because I brought up (stupid, stupid me) something I remembered we chatted about in Freedom Programme, in conversation to my partner. It was to do with the projection and how abusive men will accuse you of being a feminist, a militant feminist, a feminazi, a militant advocate of women’s rights (especially abused women) when you point out your rights, the fact that they are disrespecting you and encouraging your teen son to do the same. I feel I really need help with my son, he says exactly what my partner does, has the same reactions, treats me the same disrespectful way, says I love you when he wants to feel better and turns nasty when I ask him or remind him to do his chores…my partner said (he is so good at mind reading and predicting the future) that I was becoming a militant advocate for abused women a couple of months back now. I reminded him of this, [detail removed by moderator]. Too right! I will stand up for my rights and the rights of other women….he said it like it was some kind of bad thing. He is always putting me down. Oh yeah, obviously because he knows he is wrong and wants me to feel bad about doing the right thing again.

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